Jacob Elwy – “Pan Fyddai’n 80 Oed” (When I Will Be 80).

Hey all you people! 🙂

Time for what currently Bibiels like best in terms of music – something from Jacob Elwy! – Yayy!

If you still don’t know who Jacob Elwy is – he is my new faza subject or faza peep, and if you don’t know what is faza either you can find out

 

here.

So, over the last few months since the start of my faza on Jacob, I’ve shared with you some music from Y Trŵbz, (the band where he’s been the vocalist) and also a piece sung by Jacob together with Mared Williams for Cân i Gymru (Song For Wales) 2019. But I’ve never shared with you any of his solo music yet. Admittedly, there’s not much of it so far, just some singles, but they’re all really worth listening to (or otherwise I wouldn’t have the faza).

Interestingly, Jacob took part in Cân i Gymru twice in a row -first together with Mared, and the second time with Rhydian Meilir accompanying him on piano. – Rhydian Meilir is also the one who composed and wrote the lyrics to both his Cân i Gymru songs as well as most of his other solo songs that have been released.

I really regret that: a. I didn’t follow Cân i Gymru during those two years and b. that I didn’t know about Jacob back then. As it happened, this year it was Jacob’s younger brother – Morgan – who took part in Cân i Gymru and won it with his reggae tune “Bach O Bach O Hwne” (A Bit A Bit Of That). He has quite a few siblings, and they’re a very strongly musically inclined, and I’m curious if all of them will now take part in Cân i Gymru, that would be really interesting! 😀 I have no doubt that it’s mostly due to my zealous crossing fingers (out of pure loyalty which I always have for my faza peeps and which also extends to other people connected with them), following Cân i Gymru at the time while it was happening and putting all my energy into it that made his song win. 😀 To be totally honest, I didn’t love Morgan’s song all that much, although I didn’t dislike it either, it just didn’t speak to me quite as much as Jacob’s both Cân i Gymru songs did (they both won the 2nd place), but that’s just me and my style and I can see beyond it, especially as someone who used to be quite keen on reggae once upon a time, that objectively it was a really cool song and very much a breath of fresh air for the Welsh music scene, which doesn’t have a lot of reggae music enthusiasts like him, or at least I don’t know many.

I don’t always love the lyrics like these, which I call half-ironically “inspirational”, because they can sound quite cliche and as someone who is picky and likes quirky lyrics, I can’t possibly like cliche lyrics at the same time. These, unfortunately, are a little bit on the cliche side, but I don’t care. Probably because it took me some time to actually understand them fully, not just the gist, and over that time I’ve already grown to like this song because it’s really really good musically in my opinion. The first time I heard it was on BBC Radio Cymru (or was it Cymru FM?) half-asleep, when I was having a migraine, and I remember vaguely thinking that I really like it. I only much later learned who sings it and that some small part of why I like it is because, in this song, Jacob’s voice sounds particularly similar to my late friend Jacek from Helsinki’s singing voice, which I believe was why I originally got this faza.

And, regarding these lyrics, yes, they may be slightly cliche, but they’re true. I often hear this song in my brain when I feel depressed and unmotivated and have no energy for my Welsh learning, and then I often find the motivation, because it makes me think – gosh, I still have so much to learn, it would be so frustrating if I were 80 and suddenly realised that I could have learnt many more languages, or learnt the one I know a lot better than I do, but didn’t, just because I gave in too often when I wasn’t doing well mentally or my linguistic progress wasn’t going quite as smoothly as I’d ideally like. On a different note, I dearly hope I won’t have to live this long. So, yes, it actually is kind of inspirational and motivating for me.

I’m also super happy because I managed to translate these lyrics, as they are quite easy! I’m sure my translation is not perfect, a bit unpolished in places and sometimes I didn’t know what some little words literally meant in English but overall I’m quite proud of the result.

 

When I will be 80

I want to look back and smile

At the foolish things I did

When I was young

When I will be 80

I don’t want to be overwhelmed by the pain

Of regretting the things I didn’t do

When I could

And when I will be 80

I want to hold you

Knowing that our love

Has overcome everything

But don’t hold back

You have nothing to lose

Life is too short to

Keep turning around

And when I will be 80

Grateful for having a family

Who are always there for me, still

And are like a strong rock

Don’t hold back

You have nothing to lose

Remember that it is yourself

who limits you

And don’t say „There’s always tomorrow”

Raise and go for it

Before it’s too late

Raise and go for it

Before you will be 80

Question of the day.

When was the last time you did something you really didn’t want to do?

My answer:

Today early in the morning. Misha slept with me, which has been less often than usual the last few months, he prefers to sleep in here during the day, and I guess I really fell out of the habit of waking up quite early – like 4-5 AM, sometimes even 3, occasionally a bit later than that – to his “Hhrrru?”-ing because he wants to be let out. I would just get up almost on autopilot and open the door for him so he could go out when he wasn’t sleepy anymore. I’m generally a pretty heavy sleeper once I fall asleep properly, but my brain got so used to Misha’s hhrru?s that this was the sound which would wake me up right away. I guess kind of like when you have a baby and you hear it crying, after some time you automatically wake up when you hear this sound. Of course, I could just not have the problem at all and always leave the door to my room open so he could go in and out as he pleased, but I really dislike sleeping with the door open, it’s not enough privacy for me, and, really, I never minded him waking me up like that. It was really pleasant to hear and see him first thing in the morning, cuddle him a little if he was up to it and I wasn’t too sleepy, and I love this little “Hhrrru?” sound, it’s a perfect start to the day. After all, I can just let him out and fall right back to sleep again, it’s such a short time that it doesn’t throw me out of my sleep completely.

But, now that like I said he’s been sleeping less regularly here and not very frequently, my brain is no longer so used to it I guess and it really takes him time to get through to me, and it feels a lot more unpleasant than previously to actually get out of bed and do it, even though I know I can go right back to it afterwards. And also today I’ve been feeling kind of low, as my mood appears to be slowly going down after being really good for such a long time, as you may recall. I’m not what I would call properly depressed, but just a bit low for no apparent reason, and I guess that made it more difficult for me too, to actually get going.

How about you? 🙂

[category Diary<misha]

[tags question of the day,q&a,about me,get to know me,readers,cat,cats,Russian blue,pet,pets,sleep,mental illness,depression]

Hector Zazou ft. Katie McMahon (?) – “Seacht NDólás Na Maighdine Muire” (The Seven Sorrows of The Virgin Mary).

Hi guys! 🙂

So it’s Good Friday, and today I am so extremely happy to finally be able to share with you a piece of music that I’ve always wanted to share on a Good Friday, ever since I’ve had this blog. But first I forgot, and then I couldn’t find the album from which it came anywhere online. I got an mp3 version of it from a friend ages ago and I loved it, even though back then I wasn’t close to God, I just loved it for its aesthetic value and a slightly Gothic feel, and the Irish Gaelic language. Then I lost it somewhere and this particular song stuck with me the most, and then later on when I re-converted to Christianity I could always hear it in my brain during Lent or on the feast of the Sorrowful Mother (15th September).

I’ve found other versions of it, but none spoke to me quite as much as the one I’m about to share with you today. And today, I finally found this piece! It comes from Hector Zazou’s 1996 album called Lights In The Dark, where there are a lot of Irish Catholic hymns, all in Gaelic I believe and all or almost all devoted to Our Lady. Because I haven’t been able to find the entire album, I can’t confirm it, but I believe the vocalist is called Katie MCMahon.

I haven’t ever listened to any other music by Hector Zazou, but I’ve heard that he is, or have been, actually involved in new age music circles as well. Like I said though, I have never heard it, and I don’t know if it’s from before his new age activity, or afterwards, or maybe some project he was involved in in-between, so I don’t feel like I’m the right person to judge it or whether his rendition of this piece is one that Christians can safely listen to, but, I dunno, it is really beautiful, I’d be really surprised to learn if the lyrics were any different than in the original, and even if it wasn’t exactly performed with the intent of glorifying God, I believe that if we’ll listen to it with the right mindset, it will make a difference and be pleasant to God. If there will ever be any Catholic, or even any other Christian people reading this, let me know what your stance is on this, I’d be curious to know.

The song is about the Seven Sorrows of The Virgin Mary which she suffered during Her life on Earth, which were:

  •    The Prophecy of Simeon (during the Presentation of Jesus in the temple, when he told Mary that a sword would pierce Her Soul due to Her Son’s Death),
  • The flight of the Sacred Family to Egypt (to avoid killing of the Child Jesus by Herod),
  • Loss of the Child Jesus for three days (during the pilgrimage to Jerusalem),
  • Meeting Jesus on His way to Calvary,
  • Crucifiction and Death of Jesus,
  • The Body of Jesus being takenn from the Cross,
  • The burial of Jesus.

It’s an honor to win a MIMRA!

And, finally, Meg’s MIMRA also arrived! I’m so happy they’re all where they should be now. 😊

Where Good Advice Happens...

As a two-time winner of the MIMRA (My Inner MishMash Readership Award), I’m happy to announce that I received my award in the mail today! YAY!

My Inner Mishmash is run by Emilia, a very gentle and kind young woman who lives in Poland. She loves languages, music, and her cat, Misha, a Russian blue kitty. Emilia’s wise beyond her years and very soulful and mature. She enjoys discussing name connotations and learning new languages. (English isn’t her first language, but she speaks it like a pro. I’d say she’s definitely multilingual.)

You all ought to seriously check out her blog. For one thing, both Ashley Leia and I just won the MIMRA twice in a row, and no one’s allowed to win it three times in a row. Do you all know what that means? There are at least two open spots for next year’s winners! I’m thrilled to…

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Reading Wrap-Up (January 4, 2021) #IMWAYR

And the first MIMRA is with its winner now!
I’m thrilled that Astrid received her readership award today, which she mentions in this post.
It’s her reading wrap-up post, so go check it out to find out what she’s been reading lately, and is planning to read next. Maybe you can find some books here that you’d also like to read. 🙂

A Multitude of Musings

#IMWAYR

Hi readers and fellow book lovers! I have been reading relatively much lately, so I can do another reading wrap-up today. As usual, I’m joining in with It’s Monday! What Are You Reading? (#IMWAYR).

Life Update

I’m doing pretty well right now. Got a lovely package from Emilia of My Inner MishMash in the mail today. It’s for her readership award. The package contained some great food and non-food items. I must admit though that I ate all of the caramel fudge and am now a bit nauseated (or is it nauseous?).

What I’m Currently Reading

Still reading Hatch by Kenneth Oppel. I had let it lie there for a bit while reading other things, but I started it back up and it’s really intriguing.

I also finally picked up Still Alice by Lisa Genova. I previously finished two of her other books and had started in

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UPDATE! WordPress Owners: Please Read

As a visually impaired blogger who blogs solely for the fun of it, at least for the time being and for the foreseeable future, as well as someone who is not extremely techy, I really dislike the block editor, and seems like there are lots of us who think similarly of it, so if you’re my follower, don’t like the idea either and haven’t seen or shared this post before, please do, and maybe it’ll help change the WP people’s minds on this so we will still have a choice in which editor we want to use, as they were initially saying we would.
I haven’t yet been transitioned to the block editor, which I’m very happy about, but apparently a lot of people have had such a change executed against their will already so it seems like the rest of us can expect it to happen.
I realise that WordPress people have put effort into making block editor accessible for screen readers, and I appreciate that it can be more useful and attractive for some people with specific blogging needs and requirements than the old WordPress editor, but, as I commented on Cyranny’s blog a little while ago, there’s quite a difference between accessibility and plain usability/user-friendliness. In my opinion, the block editor, despite not inaccessible, is not blind-user-friendly, and, given how many sighted bloggers complain about it as well, the problem is definitely not limited to blind people.
Of course we could all get used to block editor – or such is my big hope anyway – but it seems kind of counter-productive that people, instead of coming up with new ideas for blog posts and focusing on their writing, would have to focus primarily on the minute (or not so minute) technical details of creating a blog post and getting used to a new way of doing it when there’s no reason for change, from their perspective. – This could discourage a lot of people from blogging on here, and while most likely would not totally discourage myself, the result would probably be that I would post alll my posts via email, and such posts don’t look particularly visually-pleasing, as far as I’m aware.
My blog is on the free plan since I’ve started blogging on here, as so far I haven’t felt a pressuring need for upgrading yet, but if a fee could indeed make WordPress reconsider their decision and keep them from delighting us with forced changes like this, I’d be very happy to pay this fee, as blogging is something very important to me and has made a lot of positive changes in my life and mental well-being, and I haven’t seen a more accessible blogging platform than WordPress so far. Somehow though, I doubt that the fee could really solve this problem. Hopefully I’m wrong, or there’s some other solution to this to make everyone involved possibly happy.
So, people, if you think similarly to Pete, me, and lots of other bloggers and haven’t yet done it, please share Pete’s post with your readers as well so Happiness Engineers can see how many of us are there not liking this new editor. 🙂

beetleypete

***UPDATE***

Patty has just posted an email address for someone at WP who is actually working on ‘accessibility’ for bloggers. Let him know your gripes about the Block Editor, and tell him why you hate it and want to keep the old one.

Enrique Sánchez <enrique.sanchez@automattic.com

If anyone who reads this is not happy with the new Block Editor, if you don’t want to use it, wish it had never happened, and quite literally hate the thing, then please reblog this post, share it constantly on social media, and let’s see if we can get WordPress to take notice of us.

Dear WordPress, you have started to force the Block Editor on your blogging community. You must have your reasons for this, and I supect they are commerical ones. After all, you have to make a profit, and you continue to provide a basic blogging platform free of charge to…

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And more testing.

Hiya people!
So I continue to play around with my iPhone, and today is the time to try using it with a Braille display! The last time I wrote a blog post using my iPhone with my standard Bluetooth keyboard I found editing and writing a real pain and had to rewrite the whole thing again and had trouble with the cursor all the time. I thought I.d give it a go with my Braille-Sense (because you can connect it to another device that is compatible and use it as a Braille display, and at the same time on iPhone it can (workas a keyboard) . It is indeed easier from what I can already see – though editing stuff on iPhone still feels very new and weird to me – and it’s probably easier for me simply because I already know my Braille-Sense pretty well so it‘s easier for me to use the iPhone with it as I can deduce it easier how to do some things, and it’s always easier to write for me when I can actually see what I.m writing. Still, so far I can.t imagine it being my primary way of writing anything other than texts or similar, unless I decide that I need some proper patience training, lol. Don.t know if it’s just me being weird and not able to adapt to the era or what but this is just how it is.
But it’s always an easier option in case I have to type something on the iPhone. So now I.m going to send this and see how it goes.

(category Diary,General)

(tags iPhone,Braille,Braille display,technology,test,blindness,disability)

Nina June – “We Watched It All Come Down”.

Hi people!

As I’ve already told you, I’ve been discovering some Dutch music – mainly in English so far – lately, and my search is continuing, so I may show you some more Dutch music in the near future. Today I have for you a piece from an Amsterdam-based artist called Nina June. This was the first song by her I’ve heard, so far I’ve heard a few more but still I think I’ll need to familiarise myself better with her music to get a proper feel of it. This one is the one that I like the most so far though, so thought I’d share it with you as well.

Let’s write letters

What a fun idea! Thought I’d share this with you guys in case you haven’t seen this and are lacking inspiration or are bored. I am certainly not bored, but thought it could be a fun way to extend my diary, and I may post at least some of those letters on my blog as well if I feel like it and if I decide to write them in English, or will feel like translating.
Have fun if you join in too. 🙂

Blogger Community

It has been quite some time since I wrote a letter. Oh! I am that kid who was taught how to write letters and postcards in school but never got a chance to post it, everybody was nearby and then social media came.

I have written a couple of letters on my blog. The last I wrote was to the decade of 2010s, about three months ago. With everybody panicking around, I thought it would be a good idea to write letters. Right now, I am thinking of having this as a 10-day activity.

Join me in! Below is a list of all the people/things I am planning to write letters to. You can write letters to them or anyone else you wish to.

Mar 22 (Sunday)– to your younger self (you can go back to any time you like)
Mar 23 (Monday)- to your older self (you to…

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Saturday Share-Is It Just The Blues or Do You Need Mental Health Help? (edited)

This is such a very relatable post to me, and I think could be for many others, so I’m sharing it with you guys.
Morgueticia shares her experience with mental health conditions that she lives with, what they feel like, and explains in a very relatable way the differences between the normal blues, and a mood disorder.

Take a Ride on My Mood Swing

Today is Saturday Share on the blogger community and I want to share this post again. It has been edited and shortened to make it a less long and winded read so if you skipped it the first time around,please take a look and visit the community.

I could bore everyone with the standard issue list of mental health symptoms that indicate something may be very wrong but anyone with internet access can Google that stuff. If you would prefer an actual website, I trust web MD and the information can be found there I’d like to put my own personal spin on this as a person with multiple mental health diagnose and a treatment file so thick it could be a collegiate dictionary. Only those who have walked in your shoes can truly know what it is like, right?

First, let’s cover what entails a case of ‘the blues’…

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Brain, what do you want from me?

I’m seriously starting to wonder what’s up with those flippin’ Sundays! I’m recently getting Zombie days exclusively on Sundays, and this month I’ve hit a record. Three Zombie days in a month, all Sundays, including this one. If you don’t know what a Zombie day is, it’s the day after a sleepless night. I call it this way at least. Mondays used to be most often my Zombie days back when I was at school, and I guess that was even worse. To not be able to sleep for the whole night and then having to start a week in the Zombie mode, grrrrr yuck!

Another thing that I’ve been wondering a lot today is what does my brain want. I never know that during a Zombie day. I never know what I want. A Zombie day probably means something slightly different for everyone. For me, it’s a weird, floaty, dream-like, hazy, unreal feeling in my brain and my whole body. I often catch myself wondering “Is all this even real?”. I often get deja vus when I’m a Zombie, and my sense of time is changed. It’s like there is almost no time passing if I don’t look at the clock. I’m often a bit hyper in the morning, and then go into apathetic and zoning out, but I won’t go take a nap because my sleep cycle needs to reset. Sometimes I even mix languages like today. I feel like I’m losing control, and I’m often very anxious, jittery and even very panicky, but I can’t take my med ’cause in such a state of mind it’ll make me fall asleep while walking, as was the case with my horse Łoś, instead of muffling the anxiety. I am cold and weak and obviously lack the energy, am dizzy, and towards the end of the day if I’m really worn out I sometimes get little creepy hallucinations that make me want to scream with fear but I’m too scared to do that. Is that even normal when you have just one Zombie day? I’m more creative and coming up with bizarre, completely out of the box, apparently illogical but very logical ideas and solutions and theories, and the cool part about them is that I still love them the next day and often listen to my Zombie brain and take what it came up with into account. Perhaps it works like for people who apparently get the solutions for their problems from dreams? I can be a bit impulsive so I try not to do important things or such that need a cooled down perspective on a Zombie day, and I can easily go from something even quite close to euphoria to the darkest depression and an emotional overload, and when something is not going right, I can easily slip into hopelessness, it just feels like things are always going to be this way.

But most of all, I don’t know what I want! It’s so frustrating. I mean, I often don’t know that anyway, but in my Zombie mode, that affects even the most basic things. I’m faint and starving, and badly nauseous at the same time and I don’t know what to do with that. I think for like 15 minutes, “Am I hungry?…”. I decide I am, and then I can barely eat anything. Do I want to write a post, or take a shower? Does it matter? Perhaps not, but I have to do one thing first. But first I’ll rather just sit for the next 15 minutes with my Brain in the Zombie zone.Do I critically need a nap, or can I stay awake until the evening? Yes, I give up, I need a nap! I lay on the bed, and although my mind is swirling between the real world and Dreamland, it can’t quite decide on any of those. Do I want to drink green tea or cocoa? Do I actually want to drink anything? Is it better to be around people and be scared of people or alone and scared of my own brain? How can I know all those overwhelming things if even my brain doesn’t care to decide? Zombie days are weird.

But at some point, there comes a moment when all the controls in your brain go bright red, and suddenly you realise: “YAY! It’s time for sleep! That’s what I want! Sleep, sleep, sleep and sleep!”.

And now I’ve come to that place. I know that what I want is to

wrap

uptightly in all the possible blankets in my room, wrap Misha up cosily and snugly in his bed, and float away into Dreamland. Switch off my brain finally, in desperate hope that when I’ll wake up, it will reset, change the layouts and show me different worlds, both the outer and inner one. Perhaps the Zombie day was what my brain needed. It has been cluttered with unimaginable for me amounts of worries and ruminations over the last week, and a Zombie way is quite a smart way to do a reset. Only, will it really work this time? I am desperately hopeful and deeply sceptical at the same time.

But I guess the time is flying by, my precious seconds of potential sleep are flying away, so, for now I’ll leave you to it, and hope that, whatever is the time where you are, the next time you’ll be sleeping, it will be a really healing, powerfully regenerative sleep.

Do you often get Zombie days? How do they feel like for you?

 

Song of the day (15th July) – Lisa Hannigan ft. Damien Rice – “9 Crimes”.

Hi guys! 🙂

Sorry for my very long absence on here! Lots of catching up ahead! Firstly, I have a song for you. I believe it’s got some popularity some time ago in Poland, I at least have heard it around much earlier than I started to be really interested in Irish music, Celtic or not Celtic, and before I learnt that this song is by Lisa Hannigan, who is one of my most favourite Irish non-folk singers. I always kinda liked this song. I guess what I like the most about it is the melody. It’s also very emotive, as I’m sure you’d agree with me.

Working On Us.

It’s week #4 of Working On Us at

Beckie’s Mental Mess

and I’m very happy to participate in this prompts series for the second time. Last week, I was answering the questions for prompt #1, but this time, I found prompt #2 really relatable. It’s a photo prompt, so I couldn’t actually see it, but Beckie described it and the image of a brain inside of a bird cage really spoke to me. I suppose I should include the photo in my post somehow, but since I have no clue how to do it, and am blind, so don’t need to have a clue about pics haha, I’ll just leave it as it is.

I was thinking about that prompt a lot last evening and thought I would make some piece of creative writing but since I don’t feel very creative at the moment it’ll just be a bit of a ramble.

I’ve been fascinated by brain for years, and it’s one of my main interests. But it’s not only that why I found this prompt so relatable. I could say I often feel as if my brain was locked in a bird cage, and unable to get out, just never thought about such a metaphor before. What does it feel like when your brain is locked in a brain cage? For me, among other things, it means difficulty in releasing emotions, there’s no way to get them out, whether you want it or not. Your brain fills up until it’s all full and all the feelings are one big mishmash, so that sometimes you don’t even know what you feel any longer. Things get mixed up, until finally the brain can’t contain anymore, and things start to leak out. But instead of leaking outside in a proper way, instead of being expressed, they spill all over the cage. It’s flooded with stuff that can’t be released otherwise, and the brain is swimming in all the intense feelings. That’s when overload happens, and I start feeling a lot of intense anger that gets turned inwards, so I feel like self-harming. Sometimes, when the flood is really strong, something will spill outside through the grating, but the cage is tall and thick so it’s really hard. The only way for me to get my brain out of that cage is writing. Then, the bird cage opens and it can fly out and feel more free.

Another thing that a bird cage makes me think of in the context of my brain, is the feeling of alienation, or feeling disconnected, or loneliness in the crowd, inadequacy, or however you want to call it. I like being different, and individualistic, and I like being on my own more than around other people most of the time and feel more comfy with it. But when it becomes a bird cage for my brain is when I do need to be with someone, but for whatever reason can’t make a connection with people. Sometimes it’s like you can see other people from there, but there’s no way of communicating effectively. You can only bang on the cage and hope that they will hear you, but even if they will, they usually won’t be able to help you out, or open the cage, or get close enough that you could communicate, or feel the way you feel. Even if they do get to you, you’ve been living in this cage for so long that you can’t even explain to them what it’s like, and what you need, and they won’t understand, because they live out there in the world which is so very different. So after a couple trials, you just sit in the corner of your cage and look out, watching people come and go. Sometimes they’ll glance in your direction in confusion, not understanding why you are the way you are and live in a bird cage, what’s wrong with your brain that you constantly keep it in there. As if it was your choice. Sometimes you might feel desperate, and try to jump over the cage, but that hardly ever ends up well and is risky, you can easily get hurt. Even if you do get out of there in one piece, you quickly realise that you don’t fit in, and lots of consequences come with it. And after so many years of living in a cage your brain just doesn’t know otherwise and has it hard to adjust and be just like any other brain living in the outside world. So after all, you put your brain back into the cage, voluntarily this time, ’cause a familiar enemy is worse than the one you don’t know anything about and don’t know how to deal with.

That’s the way my brain feels sometimes. Well, regularly. Again, writing, for myself or with/to others, is something that helps, to some degree, especially blogging and penpalling is what I’m thinking of.

Also, I think the bird cage analogy works very well in regards to my sleep paralysis experiences too. It feels like my brain and me are locked up in a bird cage with all my dream monsters. I can see the outside world but they don’t see me, and I can’t run away because my dream “friends” are all over me. The only thing I can do is wait for the dream cage to open and flee as soon as possible.

What’s a bird cage of your brain? How does it look like and what does it represent? 🙂

If We Were Having Coffee… or whatever else you fancy. #WeekendCoffeeShare

#WeekendCoffeeShare at Eclectic Alli’s.

Welcome to another coffee share, quite an early one, especially as for me, but I haven’t been too regular with posting lately and I might not be for a few more days so I thought we’d have another coffee share as some longer, catch-up post.

I’ve had my green tea already in the morning as I woke up early and needed it badly so I’m now having sparkling water with lemon, and very yummy Polish biscuits called Delicje – they are round sponge biscuits covered in chocolate with a jelly filling, mine are with orange jelly and as much as I love Delicje, the orange-flavoured ones are the only ones I find acceptable, OK, raspberry ones are OK, but just OK. – Help yourselves! I’ve also made a cake earlier today – a sponge cake with jelly and raspberries – (wow I’m kinda monotematic today with sponge, fruit and jelly, perhaps someone has an idea why? :D). It’s my name day on Sunday, hence I made it. And Mum made yummilicious croquettes (I don’t even know if that’s exactly the same thing in English, but oh well) with rice and mushrooms. I love them, and so does Olek, so if you’d like to sample, you need to hurry as he’ll soon be back from work and there will be nothing left. 😀 And I guess that’s all really yummy food (in my opinion) we have today, and you can bring something you have to our coffee share to make it more diverse than just sponge with jelly. 😀 Get yourself a comfortable place to chill and let’s start our chat, shall we? 🙂

If we were having coffee, or not coffee, I’d ask you how things have been going for you and what has happened in your life this week…?

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m feeling like rubbish today. Not the most optimistic note to start a coffee share and a weekend in general but what can I do. I don’t even know why. I woke up feeling OK, like near the baseline, but things have started spiraling down since early afternoon. I can’t get to why that is really. I feel depressed, and even a bit anhedonic, which is not my usual definitely, even if I am badly depressed I can often still feel the pleasure from things I love to some degree but I just feel kind of apathetic and sort of disconnected and don’t care about things too much, I also feel lonely because I feel disconnected, and don’t know what’s going on with my brain. Not like it would change a lot if I knew, and like it matters to me at the moment very much, but it’s always nice to be able to have a clue at least about your brain. I’ve also been having extremely sad and emotional dreams for a couple days which I don’t get either. I mean, scary dreams – yes, – intense, in whatever way – definitely, – strange – all the time, – but I don’t normally have plain sad dreams in which I’d feel all emotional and vulnerable, and yesterday I actually woke up crying. Today I had a sad dream too but it wasn’t quite as unsettling and I mostly remember the emotions of it, not the plot, so I didn’t think much about it, but the phenomenon of such an abundance of sad dreams is interesting. I get emotional dreams like this sometimes around the periods of time that used to be difficult for me in the past but now it’s not the case. Sometimes I wish my brain could speak, or write, or something. I’m so used to bottling up stuff that now I often don’t understand what it’s trying to tell me, ’cause I suppose it must want something from me if there’s no straightforward explanation.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you we’ve had another hot week here, but thankfully today it’s very nicely fresh and chilly, apparently only for a while, Dad says we’ll have another hot day on Sunday. But it’s a relief for all the people I think that at least now it’s cooler.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that at the beginning of this week, my router died. I had to get a new one and installing it and configuring was quite a pain, and I had a whole long boring day and a half with no Internet and not much to do, but now things are back to normal.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that Misha has a new hiding place, and this time, it’s a really good one, ’cause we still can’t figure out where it is, after over a week. He just disappears every day for a good few hours and then suddenly comes back out of nowhere. It’s amazing how after 3 years of living here, he still hasn’t ran out of ideas! 😀

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I’m going to another meeting – like the one I went to earlier this month, in that sort of foundation or association that Zofijka’s friend’s mum works in – this time with a woman who used to live in Ireland, she’s Polish. That’s going to be very interesting for me for sure, since I love Ireland! I’m quite anxious again, even though I’ve already been there and it went well. It’s going to be on Monday.

If we were having coffee I’d also tell you that Zofijka’s friend’s mum was supposed to visit us yesterday, and then today, or on Sunday, but it seems like nothing will come out of it. While I’m happy for her to come over, I’m also secretly relieved that she won’t be coming today, as I’m definitely not in the mood for socialising whatsoever and wouldn’t be able to do it right the way I’m feeling now, just normal smalltalk feels so depressing and exhausting at the moment. As if I ever was good at smalltalk hahaha.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that we’re most likely going to the beach on Sunday, which I’m quite glad about, the sea usually makes me feel very good and I feel a strong connection with it, and I love being by the sea. We have our very special beach that is quite far away from us, it’s situated in a village in Słowiński National Park, and it’s really clean and tranquil there, there are few beaches that are that quiet and clean. And we had a plan of going there, but because it’s apparently going to be rather hot, and the ride is long there, and then you have to walk 2 km through a nature reserve back and forth it would be quite tiring and time consuming compared to how much time we’d actually spend on the beach, so we probably won’t be going there and somewhere much closer and filled with people. 😀 In any case, I hope it’ll be cool and I’ll feel less depressed by then. Also as I said it’s my name day on Sunday so that’s going to be a nice way of spending it I hope.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? 🙂

 

Song of the day (27th June) Cornelia Jakobs – “Late Night Stories”.

Here’s one of my more interesting discoveries of this year – Cornelia Jakobs. – I really love her strong, hoarse voice, and her expressiveness! She’s from Sweden, though all of her music so far has been in English, but I’d love to hear her singing in Swedish. And this is one of my favourite songs by her.

Feline interview with me Misha!

Hhrrru? to all pets and peeps! 😻

Just a short note to let you know that an interview with my Mishness has been  published by Scrappy Doodlepip over at

A Guy Called Bloke And K9 Doodlepip

I’m excited about it! One step closer for me to become a real Mish celeb. Hope you’ll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing. 🙂

Mishpurrs!

Misha 💜💙 💚

My gratitude list. #TToT.

I recently wrote a gratitude list and I thought I’d do this again, but this time I’m linking up with

Ten Things Of Thankful.

So without further ado, here’s my list.

   1.

Eating my Mum’s meringue with whipped cream, raspberries, strawberries and peaches. We had a bonfire today, and while I didn’t took part in it, Mum left some yummy food for me, including the meringue. We all like it most with blueberries, but blueberries seem to be very expensive at the moment and Mum didn’t want to make it with blueberries for all the guests not knowing if they will actually eat it. But it was still very good. And as we are at it, I appreciated that I didn’t have to be there too, I could hear all the noise from my room well enough. 😀

2.

Spending a lot of time with Misha. He wasn’t keen on sleeping with me every night, but still, we spent a lot of time together this week, and as especially the second part of it has been difficult for me, it’s greatly valued.

   3.

Green tea. Perhaps you recall my recent coffee dilemmas. It seems like I have the solution. I’ve been trying different kinds of green teas and other drinks like that that could get me going, but wasn’t particularly convinced as they either weren’t working much or I didn’t like the taste. Now I found the right green tea for me as it seems and I use xylitol with it to make it taste better.

4.

(Slightly) cooler weather. It’s still rather hot, but it’s manageable and cooling down which I am very happy about and desperately hopeful that this tendency will keep for a while.

5.

My family. Yesterday was the funeral of my Mum’s acquaintance’s daughter who died tragically in an accident. It was shocking, and made me feel grateful that I do have my whole family.

6.

Long walks with Mum and Jocky. That always helps me to clear out the brain a bit.

7.

Crisps. I’ve got a lot this week and liked them a lot.

8.

Music. I’ve been listening to plenty of fabulous music this week, including right now. Music helps me greatly in so many aspects of life and I can’t imagine my life without it.

9.

Eating pasta with broccoli sauce yesterday for dinner. This is such a ridiculously minimalistic meal we usually have it when there isn’t much time or not many things to eat at the moment or lack of creativity. But we all love it anyway.

   10.

Sleep. It hasn’t always been the best for me this week, but I did have some very restful sleep and I appreciated it very much, and I’m soon going off to sleep as it’s already past midnight and hope tonight I can also be grateful for good sleep.

What are you grateful for this week? 🙂

Question of the day.

Hi people. 🙂

My another book related question for you is:

What is a book you can always reread?

My answer:

I like rereading books I love. Those that mean a lot to me in this or that way, that are very pleasurable or that just evoke a lot of emotions. Or even just those books that maybe even don’t have that much of a power over me but I read them during some good time previously and want to refresh the memories while reading, that’s also a good motive for a reread for me. My most most most favourites I can reread even once a year. Like the Jeżycjada series by Małgorzata Musierowicz – I know all books in it and even remember fragments of some of them by heart, I’ve read them since I was maybe about Zofijka’s age, but still rereading them makes me laugh at the same things and I still love them no less. –
Or “Emily Of New Moon”. Or another author that I love rereading is Sigrid Undset, I don’t even know why, I love some of her books but not the way I love “Emily” for example. It’s also very true that each time you reread a book you’re very likely to look at it from a different perspective, which is an interesting experience for me to observe.

How is it with you? 🙂

{CATEGORY Diary,Books]

Working On Us – Mental Health Prompt.

Beckie over at

Beckie’s Mental Mess

has a weekly series on her blog called Working On Us – Mental Health Prompt, and now is week #3 of it, and I thought I’d join in! Here’s the prompt for this week and my answers. If you haven’t participated yet, I encourage you to check out her blog and to do so. 🙂

 

Here are a few coping statements, do you agree or disagree?  Even if your answer is yes or no, please explain:

  1. This situation of sitting on a fully packed train either makes you feel uncomfortable or unpleasant, but I can accept it? – Yes, I can accept it if it’s just the crowd. It will make me feel a bit uncomfortable and anxious and I simply don’t like crowds too but as long as I don’t feel overwhelmed by other stimuli, am generally doing well and don’t have to interact with those people I will deal with it.
  2. Can I ride out the wave of anxiety, or do I feel like I need professional help now? -I suppose I could benefit from the right professional help, as some things can be very difficult for me to deal with and figure out on my own, I’d been in therapy for many years but had to change therapists a year ago and stopped working with a therapist with whom I worked for many years and whom I really trusted. Since then I had two therapists and didn’t have the best experience with either, I’ve also had some experience before I started to work with that therapist whom I trusted so much and it also wasn’t particularly positive. So I feel a bit conflicted here. Part of me wants to reach out and figure out things and get professional help, but part of me is scared of trying once again and feels very sceptical, and there are other things that complicate it slightly. So I’m trying my best to deal with it on my own, with the help of my family, friends and some medication which I take on an as needed basis most of the time.
        1. Do you practice coping skills? If so, what works best for you? – I do. The coping skill that is most important for me is being around my Russian blue cat Misha, cuddling with him and spending time with him, he really helps me. Listening to music always works for me. Distracting myself with a good book. Good quality sleep if I can get it. Comfort food. Writing is the easiest way for me to express myself, so it helps too. Talking to my Mum or reaching out to friends, I think I’m gradually getting better at it, reaching out for support used to be incredibly difficult for me and still oftentimes is, I’ve always felt pretty uncomfortable reaching out to people or telling them about my problems because everyone already has plenty ofthings going on for themselves so I didn’t want to bother them, and I used to strongly disagree that talking about your problems makes things better and easier as many people say and thought that it can actually make things worse, now I can see it does help sometimes although it’s still a challenge for me to talk to people. Doing something funny that makes me laugh helps too, or listening to sounds that soothe me.

Share Your World.

I know I’m quite late to the game, but I am still going to participate in Melanie’s

Share Your World

this week. 🙂 Here are the questions and my answers.

 

What do fish do all day?   What thoughts do you think they have?  (Credit to the awesome Teresa and her Fibbin’ Fridays for this one)

Play hide and seek, try to survive and not let other fish/water creatures/fishers catch them, tell each other stories and fairytales about life on the land.I don’t know what they think about but their minds must be really busy since they can’t speak. If they are sea fish, maybe they enjoy people watching during the summer when people come to the seaside?

What celebrity would you have as a SPOUSE, if you HAD to choose?

Oh that’s a tough one as I’m rather ignorant about celebrities, I mean there is hardly anyone that I would know well enough to be able to consider as a spouse. I have my music crushes, but aside from Enya and Cornelis Vreeswijk they aren’t really celebrities and even Vreeswijk is a celeb only in Sweden, and Enya probably wouldn’t be too glad being called a celebrity, she’s just famous. Besides, Enya can’t be my spouse because I am straight, and even if I wasn’t, I’ve always regarded her kind of more like my secret second mummy, someone I’ve always admired, especially as a teen, not in a way you admire someone you love in a romantic way. Cornelis has been long dead before I was born, and, as much as I admire his artistic skills, great mind and all and feel a lot of connection to him in a crush-y way, I really don’t think a romantic relationship between us would be a good idea, it would be a grotesque! We have too much and too little in common at the same time, if you can understand what I mean. 😀 and I wouldn’t feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who has so different beliefs and views and had already had three spectacularly failed marriages and dozens of other romantic relationships that didn’t work out, even if we have a lot in common intellectually/emotionally and on some other levels. Also he was terribly paranoid, is that called Othello’s syndrome? And was addicted to… well, almost everything. And goodness he could be my grandad unless I could time travel, I am not a gerontophile. But then again, I doubt many celebs would be on the same page with me in terms of views and beliefs, and I find it essential in a long term romantic relationship. My two other crushes – Declan Galbraith and Gwilym Bowen Rhys – would be more doable as my potential spouses, though I don’t feel like I have as much in common with Declan as I used to, or as I used to feel, so I guess Gwilym would be the best fit (ethe more  that I would love to live in north Wales and we have quite a few common interests, but we are very different in terms of personalities though that’s actually cool here), but then as I said he’s not really a celebrity, not how people usually imagine celebrities, unless we could call him a local celebrity. 😀 Other than that, I guess it would require much more thinking and research for me to come up with an answer. 😀 Oh I kinda like Alexander Rybak (the guy who won the Eurovision in 2009), and he seems very cool and pleasant, but I’m not crazy about him enough to be his spouse, and Zofijka would kill me, because she likes him much more than me, so much so that she would probably accuse me of stealing. So no, no idea. 😀

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever broken?

Don’t ever leave your expensive things with me, especially tech stuff. 😀 My most spectacular achievement was spilling kefir al over my Braille-Sense (yes, the current one, and yes, it’s still alive somehow) about five years ago I suppose, I was in a state of euphoria (yeah ultrarare for me, but I had a sound reason), and as far as I can remember didn’t exactly know what I was doing, but I somehow had to move my arm very suddenly and quickly and there was a glass of kefir standing quite close to the Braille-Sense so before I could react in any way it was all soaked. All euphoria gone in a second. It was scary! Not only because it’s just awful when you break something expensive but I had to go to the boarding school the next day, and it meant that I’d be going without most of my music and books and it was going to be a very difficult time for me because of that, and not only because of that.I was determined and desperate and took it to school with me anyway as I couldn’t face it otherwise, I tried drying it with a hairdryer to make it work at least a bit and I did manage, but still the Braille display was screwed up and something inside of it under the keys was all soaked up in kefir so when I was using the keys they were actually doing whatever they wanted, not at all what I wanted them to do, and working on it was terribly slow. Also, I didn’t take one very important thing into account when taking it with me to school, it soon became very characteristically smelly and the smell was extending itself further so I freaked out that our whole room is soon going to smell with kefir and I had to do something about it, so I sent it to get it fixed. I remember feeling very concerned what they will think of me there seeing that it’s all soaked up in kefir. 😀 It’s funny now, but I was stressed out like hell. Mind you that Braille-Sense is a specialised device so the servicing was also that bit pricier than your average laptop or phone. I have quite a history of breaking tech stuff in this or that way, however I haven’t spilled kefir over anything else thankfully, I’m extra sensitive about such stuff now. 😀

When was the last time you slept more than 9 hours in a stretch?  Why?

On Wednesday, the night from Tuesday to Wednesday that is. It is not a rare occurrence for me. I am blind, without light perception so my circadian rhythm is not particularly steady and gets dysregulated very easily, but also I seem to have very varying need for sleep, and I don’t really know if that’s as normal for the blind. It’s like sometimes I can sleep 2 hours and wake up feeling rested and energised, or I can sleep for 4 hours and feel as if I had no sleep at all and am a zombie for the whole day, or I need 12 hours of sleep suddenly for no apparent reason. Sometimes when I don’t sleep at all at night I feel crappy afterwards, very anxious or zoning out all the time or can’t wait until the evening, even if it’s just 7 PM, because I want to sleep, or sometimes  don’t even feel any difference with how I feel after a sleepless night vs 9 hours of sleep and am perfectly OK and wouldn’t even mind staying up late sometimes. It seems to go for me in cycles though I haven’t yet figured out how exactly it works and what – other than messing up with sleep routine or something external that changes my sleep patterns in an obvious way – causes the change. Anyway, that night I am talking about I slept for 11 hours, from 11 PM to 11 AM, and I suppose it was the anti-anxiety medication that I took in the evening that knocked me out, perhaps together with feeling a bit tired after a lot of social interaction – a lot for my standards. – I actually wrote about that night very recently because of the series of Scotland-themed dreams I had then, that I absolutely loved. I normally hate sleeping late or very long for no apparent reason but I loved the dreams. Oh and my record so far is 19 hours, and I wouldn’t like to beat it, it was quite an odd and a little bit creepy thing, actually more so for my family than fr me. 😀

Share something you were really grateful for this year (so far):

Misha, Misha and Misha first of all. I sometimes really wonder how I coped before I had him. He makes loads of difference for me in different aspects of my life. My family and all my online friends definitely. Also that I am finally on disability allowance, that always helps and I feel more secure financially.