Brain, what do you want from me?

I’m seriously starting to wonder what’s up with those flippin’ Sundays! I’m recently getting Zombie days exclusively on Sundays, and this month I’ve hit a record. Three Zombie days in a month, all Sundays, including this one. If you don’t know what a Zombie day is, it’s the day after a sleepless night. I call it this way at least. Mondays used to be most often my Zombie days back when I was at school, and I guess that was even worse. To not be able to sleep for the whole night and then having to start a week in the Zombie mode, grrrrr yuck!

Another thing that I’ve been wondering a lot today is what does my brain want. I never know that during a Zombie day. I never know what I want. A Zombie day probably means something slightly different for everyone. For me, it’s a weird, floaty, dream-like, hazy, unreal feeling in my brain and my whole body. I often catch myself wondering “Is all this even real?”. I often get deja vus when I’m a Zombie, and my sense of time is changed. It’s like there is almost no time passing if I don’t look at the clock. I’m often a bit hyper in the morning, and then go into apathetic and zoning out, but I won’t go take a nap because my sleep cycle needs to reset. Sometimes I even mix languages like today. I feel like I’m losing control, and I’m often very anxious, jittery and even very panicky, but I can’t take my med ’cause in such a state of mind it’ll make me fall asleep while walking, as was the case with my horse ลoล›, instead of muffling the anxiety. I am cold and weak and obviously lack the energy, am dizzy, and towards the end of the day if I’m really worn out I sometimes get little creepy hallucinations that make me want to scream with fear but I’m too scared to do that. Is that even normal when you have just one Zombie day? I’m more creative and coming up with bizarre, completely out of the box, apparently illogical but very logical ideas and solutions and theories, and the cool part about them is that I still love them the next day and often listen to my Zombie brain and take what it came up with into account. Perhaps it works like for people who apparently get the solutions for their problems from dreams? I can be a bit impulsive so I try not to do important things or such that need a cooled down perspective on a Zombie day, and I can easily go from something even quite close to euphoria to the darkest depression and an emotional overload, and when something is not going right, I can easily slip into hopelessness, it just feels like things are always going to be this way.

But most of all, I don’t know what I want! It’s so frustrating. I mean, I often don’t know that anyway, but in my Zombie mode, that affects even the most basic things. I’m faint and starving, and badly nauseous at the same time and I don’t know what to do with that. I think for like 15 minutes, “Am I hungry?…”. I decide I am, and then I can barely eat anything. Do I want to write a post, or take a shower? Does it matter? Perhaps not, but I have to do one thing first. But first I’ll rather just sit for the next 15 minutes with my Brain in the Zombie zone.Do I critically need a nap, or can I stay awake until the evening? Yes, I give up, I need a nap! I lay on the bed, and although my mind is swirling between the real world and Dreamland, it can’t quite decide on any of those. Do I want to drink green tea or cocoa? Do I actually want to drink anything? Is it better to be around people and be scared of people or alone and scared of my own brain? How can I know all those overwhelming things if even my brain doesn’t care to decide? Zombie days are weird.

But at some point, there comes a moment when all the controls in your brain go bright red, and suddenly you realise: “YAY! It’s time for sleep! That’s what I want! Sleep, sleep, sleep and sleep!”.

And now I’ve come to that place. I know that what I want is to

wrap

uptightly in all the possible blankets in my room, wrap Misha up cosily and snugly in his bed, and float away into Dreamland. Switch off my brain finally, in desperate hope that when I’ll wake up, it will reset, change the layouts and show me different worlds, both the outer and inner one. Perhaps the Zombie day was what my brain needed. It has been cluttered with unimaginable for me amounts of worries and ruminations over the last week, and a Zombie way is quite a smart way to do a reset. Only, will it really work this time? I am desperately hopeful and deeply sceptical at the same time.

But I guess the time is flying by, my precious seconds of potential sleep are flying away, so, for now I’ll leave you to it, and hope that, whatever is the time where you are, the next time you’ll be sleeping, it will be a really healing, powerfully regenerative sleep.

Do you often get Zombie days? How do they feel like for you?

 

Gwilym Bowen Rhys – “Lloer Dirion Lliw’r Dydd” (Gentle moon, colour of the day).

Oh my! I just couldn’t wait to share with you guys something from this album! I was talking about it some time last month, well I guess around the beginning of May, it was released on May 1st. But as you can see it took a while because it’s only available on the streaming services since yesterday so although I have the album since as soon as I got to know it was released, only now I can share something with you. In a way that’s actually good though because I could familiarise myself with the whole album, with my music crushes it always takes me loads of time to wholely satisfy my musical cravings when they release something new and I always want to know it thoroughly and from all the possible angles.

I am really so, so impressed with this album! I wrote about it on my blog already earlier so I won’t be repeating myself but it just made me fall into pieces the first time I listened to it, so fascinated, engrossed, bewitched and just full of emotions I was, and even though I listened to all the songs and the album as a whole for many times already it still has theย  power over me, and I’m listening to it right now as well. It’s always hard to pick something you think is the best or that you love the most from things of which you love all, but I wonder whether it’s not the best album of Gwilym so far in my ranking, or whether it would be if I had a ranking. ๐Ÿ˜€ I am just so happy that my current music crush is so artistically fertile and unlike all my previous music crushes I am actually able to thoroughly celebrate all the joys that come with an appearance of a new album. ๐Ÿ˜€

This new album is called “Arenig”, which is in reference to Arenig Fawr – a mountain in Snowdonia in North Wales, and also the title track of this album is a poem written and read by Gwilym’s great uncle – Euros Bowen – about this mountain, which is a really beautiful poem. It’s hard to believe for me in a way that this beautiful album is an effect of improvisation, but that’s apparently how it is. I know it’s often so that things come out much better when improvised in music, but it makes me think that they all – Gwilym and all the people who contributed to the album – must be remarkably skillful improvisers, which I think is fairly rare. Talking about the contributors, there is Patrick Rimes on violin, he plays in the Welsh folk band called Calan which I also like, brilliant harpist from Scotland but with Welsh roots and who also speaks Welsh Gwen MaIri (I love her harp skills ๐Ÿ˜‚ ), and they both also played on Gwilym’s first album “O Groth Y Ddaear”, and there is also Marit Fรคlt, who plays viola, and, if I understood correctly, (I suppose I did given her Scandi-sounding name), she’s from Norway, so there’s even a little bit of a Nordic accent here! ๐Ÿ™‚

I had a real problem with what I am going to choose as the first piece from this album to share with you, I even thought maybe I’ll just link to the entire album and maybe write some extensive review or something but felt too shy to do such a grandiose thing as seriously publicly review one of my crushes’ album, I always write down my reviews of albums I love for myself and I relish in doing so but never published that anywhere. ๐Ÿ˜€ But after some deep thinking I came to the conclusion that the most beautiful piece on this album for me, regarding the melody, the performance and the lyrics is “Lloer Dirion Lliw’r Dydd”, which is a traditional song, though the second verse is known to be written by John Ceiriog Hughes. It’s incredibly evocative, magnetic and enchanting, and just don’t know how else to describe it adequately. ๐Ÿ˜€

The thing I really like about traditional music, one of many things, especially from Gwilym, and there are also a couple other Celtic people I can think of right now, is the words. I mean, when I was listening to this album before I read the lyrics and translations, I understood some bits and pieces, it wasn’t very much, but I could still thoroughly enjoy music because that’s how it is with folk music very often – even if it is in the most out there language you can still understand the language of music itself and connect with it almost as deeply as through the actual language. But when I read the lyrics, I realised that there are not only plenty of new, enticing, luscious, colourful, magical Welsh words for me to discover, (I didn’t even know that moon is lloer, I only knew the word lleuad for moon in Welsh but it seems like they have two! I now can’t stop wondering what’s the difference, will have to do some research after I write this post, I lthink loer sounds even better), but also a fair handful of English words in the translations that I didn’t know previously. I just love such discoveries! And all those linguistic findings also satisfied my synaesthesia very much, so it’s not only the music. The same was with the previous album “Detholiad O Hen Faledi I”, well actually there were even more new English words to me. That shows how sophisticated folk music can be at times, even if it might not always seem so. ๐Ÿ™‚

OK, end of my elaborate. Here’s the translation of the song, which I’ve taken from

Gwilym’s website,

and below is the song, although it’s on Spotify, so very sadly only those of you who have Spotify will be able to listen to it whole, I didn’t see it on Youtube or anywhere that would be a bit more inclusive.

 

Gentle moon the colour of day,

in pain and in sorrow, Iโ€™m in a sad daydream.

From splendid astonishment,

my heart is so weak I shanโ€™t live much longer.

When I saw your face you wounded me like a sword,

I received an injury without realising it,

tonight Iโ€™m ready for my grave.

Oh good gentle goddess, hear this injured man,

save my life, lovely moon the colour of summer.

Some peopleโ€™s interests lie in material things,

but on the purity of a fair moon

I gave my whole intentions, one and all.

If I could only have you, I would confidently proclaim

that I had more than enough wealth, pure girl.

Gentle moon the colour of day,

I see your light, you with a pleasing face.

From life to the grave, you are my queen,

fair warm farced one.

You are my fire, the inspiration to my song,

the heavens never did behold

through the light of the sunโ€™s cycle,

such a wonderful sight.

I raise up my head, and look to the skies,

shine upon me, white moon the colour of snow.

Some hold the moon responsible

for pulling the threads and strings of the seas,

the ebb and flow of the tides in and out.

But you, my love, are responsible

for pulling the strings of my heart,

gentle moon the colour of day.

Mystery Blogger Award.

I’ve been nominated by the fantastic Carol Anne of

Therapy Bits

for the Mystery Blogger Award! Thank you very much, Carol Anne, it’s greatly appreciated. ๐Ÿ™‚

ย ย  What is Mystery Blogger Award?

 

Mystery Blogger Award is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion. Created by: Okoto Enigma.

ย ย  Rules:

 

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog
  2. List the rules.
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10 20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)

3 things about me.

1. I sleep with a hotwater bottle most of the year, unless it’s really warm, otherwise my feet are too cold and I can’t sleep.

2. I love chocolate and mint ice cream! ๐Ÿ˜‹

3. I can’t remember any phone numbers, even my own. ๐Ÿ˜€ For me it’s actually not a problem at all, but some people find it very strange. I usually am not very good at remembering any numbers or similar things. They usually completely don’t matter to me, unless I really have to care.

ย ย  My answers to Carol Anne’s questions.

1. What time do you usually wake up?
Usually? There’s no such thing as usually when we talk about my sleep cycle. ๐Ÿ˜€ Anything from 1 AM to 1 PM I guess, depends on the circumstances and, I don’t know what else, maybe moon phases LOL. OK but if I go to sleep decently and need a decent amount of sleep like most people do and nothing unusual gets in the way I usually try to be up at 7-8 AM I dislike waking up too late.

2. Do you write poems?
Mm, yeah, sporadically, I do, but I don’t treat it too seriously. I used to write some occasional poems for school which people liked, but I didn’t, and writing them was a nightmare for me in some way, like quite an arduous thing. I sometimes wrote sort of dark-humoured poems or similar stuff and sometimes I do now too, but not too often. I once thought that maybe if I could write poetry it could be some way of expresing myself for me, but I don’t seem to feel very comfortable in this genre, I guess I’m better at prose.

3. Which day of the week is your favourite?
I guess I don’t have one at the moment, I don’t have a strict work schedule or anything like that that I would have to stick to, I can organise most of my time on my own the way I want, so most often I don’t have more or less favourite days of the week, OK I don’t like weekends a bit, they are often boring and lousy or too much people around.

4. What is one thing you struggle with every day?
Let’s say collectively, my brain. ๐Ÿ˜€

5. If you could make up a special day what would you want it to be?

Globalย  Misha Appreciation Day.

I nominate:

This time, anyone who would like to take part. ๐Ÿ™‚ Feel free. ๐Ÿ™‚

ย ย  My questions.

1. Do you play any computer games? What kind(s) do you like?

2. If you had to choose, do you prefer very hot or very cold temps?

3. Are you a good multitasker?

4. What do people like most in you?

5. What colour of socks do you like the most to wear? (Zofijka’s question, the funny/weird one).

 

My inner phobias…

When I started this blog over a year ago, and wondered what it should be like, also what I should be like in relation to my readers, one of the things I thought should be particularly important to me was responsiveness. And it still is very important to me. I appreciate it a lot in others too and I think it’s an important part of communication, and also if you want to have a natural-looking blog that will appeal to people, I think it’s good to be in touch with them. Take an interest in them, who they are, what they are like, what is interesting to them, etc. and be possibly approachable. One of the purposes of my blogging is that I want to express myself – I have a diary for this, because I feel I can express myself so much better in writing than speaking, and I can be far more open in my diary, but I felt the need to connect with people as well. – So another big reason for my blogging was to find some people that I could relate to, or who could relate to me, with whom we’d think similarly or like similar things, just be like-minded in any way. So I thought that although my blog would be primarily for me, my readers’ opinions and suggestions should also be important to me. And I stick to it, or think so anyway. I try to engage with people and also help when and if I can in any way.

Last month I was going through my stats, including the often very quirky phrases that people search for and come across my blog as a result. While as most of you probably know most of those search terms are unknown, sometimes you can make interesting conclusions out of them and see what people are looking for on your blog, and some time ago I’ve got an idea that to be more accomodating for my visitors, I can look at those things they look for, and if I think they weren’t able to find the answer on my blog, but I could help with it, I could write a post about it, so that in case they search for it again and stumble upon my blog, they can find something relevant. So far I haven’t checked that very regularly , but from what I’ve seen so far I think in most cases people could find on my blog what they were looking for. Last month though, one of the searches that led someone to my blog was “my inner phobia”. Very interesting, don’t you think?

At first it got me rather amused and thinking what other kind of phobia you can have, other than inner. Are there any outer/external phobias? ANd if so, what could be the difference between them? Or is an inner phobia something you simply don’t share with others, don’t expres verbally? Or something that doesn’t manifest outside of a person’s brain and no one can see it? Well I guess my Mum must be right that I philosophise too much. ๐Ÿ˜€

I don’t know what that person meant, other than that probably they’ve been struggling with some kind of a phobia themselves, but it inspired me to write a post about my (inner or not) phobias. Don’t know what kind of help it can be to anyone but maybe at least you can realise that you’re not alone if you’re going through something similar. And I’ve been thinking about it earlier too, to write the list of all my anxieties, fears and phobias, or anything that triggers anxiety of any kind for me. Anxiety of different kinds has been a very present part of my life as long as I can remember, and has many forms, as you’ll be able to see. This post was quite challenging for me to write, because I had to open up if I wanted you to understand it a bit, I wanted to be honest but also not too negative and overwhelming, as much as you can be not negative talking about anxiety. ๐Ÿ˜€ and hopefully it might be of some help for someone, or you can just see how freaky I am. ๐Ÿ˜€

The list is extensive, but written spontaneously, mostly in no specific order, so probably not fully complete. It’s not just a plain list but I want to also clarify it somehow for you what it’s like for me so you can have an idea. I included both the more general and specific ones, more and less intense, some are very bothering, some just more like quirks or something.

  • ย ย  People. By fear of people I mean mostly social anxiety. Socialising, small talking, all the social dynamics, crowds, interacting with a large group of people, initiating contacts with people, strangers. My social anxiety is very weird and sometimes it can even show up when I’m with people I know well, while on other times I may not be too anxious with a person I barely know. It’s usually humming somewhere in the background whenever I’m interacting with anyone though, just with very variable intensity.
  • Vomit. Anything to do with vomiting. Emetophobia is my most crippling specific phobia even though I’ve made huge progress with it over the last couple of years. I remember always being very sensitive and fearful about that but it got particularly bad very suddenly some 8-9 years ago, where just eating anything was dreadful and scary for me, or seeing people eating. I was quite good at hiding it but one of the staff at the boarding school was actually very suspicious that I had an eating disorder like anorexia or something, though I’ve never had problems of that nature with food, it just probably looked very much like that. Now food is not so much of a problem for me anymore, but is still to some degree, and there are things that i won’t ever eat, even if I like them in theory, because something bad happened either to me or someone in my surroundings after eating it. I am afraid of vomiting, feeling like it, other people doing it or feeling like it, people being sick, doesn’t matter contagiously or not, poisonous/expired food, graphic descriptions of people throwing up, the sounds, even similar sounds like choking, substances that are of a similar consistence, travelling, medicines, alcohol, migraines (even though it has NEVER happened to me that I’d vomit during a migraine), other conditions that might involve vomiting, even having things other than food in my mouth, like when I was going to the orthodontist on a regular basis as a kid it used to be very triggering, and I can’t stand even the simple medical throat examination with a spatula, I have to have it without it, otherwise it’s no go. It was even hard for me as a kid with brushing my teeth and while now it’s not as dreadful I still really dislike it. It’s not really because I am afraid that I can vomit while I have something in my mouth, or that it happens to me so easily, but it just makes me feel sick and anxious and I hate the sensation of having something in my mouth. Hell! even the words describing vomit sound scary! English vomit is probably the lightest, I don’t know why they have to sound so graphic or is it just me perceiving them this way. I particularly hate Swedish krรคkas, so disgusting. Lots of things can trigger it. It really depends on how I am feeling overall I guess what and when will trigger this fear for me, sometimes it can be just a brief not graphic mention of it and sometimes I can cope with it much better and even read a book with someone vomiting in it if it’s not too detailed. As I mentioned in some of my previous posts, whether it is because of my extreme cautiousness, sheer luck or that my anxiety is so extreme, it actually happens to me extremely rarely that I vomit.
  • Feeling dizzy. A closely related one, it’s a sort of fear that makes a vicious cycle for me. I have balance issues so it happens to me that I’m dizzy probably more often than to an average person, usually have low blood pressure and other such, and I believe in some circumstances blindness can also make you feel dizzy more easily than when you can see. It always makes me feel very insecure and out of control because my spatial orientation gets even worse than normally which makes me feel disoriented, as dizziness always does, also I’m afraid of falling or something dangerous happening as a result of my dizziness. Then also dizziness brings a risk of vomiting too. And the vicious circle is that dizziness is actually one of my physical symptom of anxiety, like when it gets very intense I’m usually feeling dizzy. And the more dizzy I am, the more anxious I am, and vice versa, which makes me freak out. Also heights and very big, open spaces make me feel dizzy so I’m afraid of them. I can be very anxious of travelling because of that, especially if the roads are bumpy or someone is driving very fast, amusement parks and such make me freak out, even seeing people swinging, on carousels, even just sliding, or rather hearing them doing it, especially if they’re talking at the same time so I know that their location is changing all the time, it also makes me dizzy.
  • Future. A less tangible thing. I’m anxious and worried about my own future, as well as more generally, just what will happen to the world, particular people… It’s not something that I think about like all the time but I have times when I really can’t stop overthinking on it and it’s crazy. I guess I take it after my grandma. ๐Ÿ˜€
  • Old age. I’m simply anxious about becoming old and what it will be like, I think it must be scary. Ideally I wouldn’t like to live longer than 45-50 years. Usually people freak out when they hear me say this and suppose that I am suicidal and going to kill myself by then, no, I’m not, and I doubt I will, that’s just how I feel, I simply don’t share the enthusiasm/desperation for longevity that is so common now. Maybe my way of seeing this will change with time though, who knows.
  • My brain not functioning properly. That’s a bit of my obsession. I’ve heard even from my last therapist that my intellect is my strongest weapon and defensivee mechanism which I use to protect myself and my vulnerability. And yes I think it’s very true. My intelligence is one of few good things that I don’t doubt I have and that I usually do like about myself somewhat, I guess I might be a little bit vain about it sometimes despite that overall my self-esteem is low. And my intelligence has helped me to cope with lots of different things and survive different circumstances, well it’s always more useful to be intelligent than not to be right? Also most of my passions are of more or less intellectual nature and often require at least some learning, so I really really want my brain to be as fit as possible. And I can do a lot to ensure that will never change. I think I can say I have a sort of phobia for all those neurodegenerative diseases, they scare the shit out of me, even though rationally I don’t think I need to worry a lot about that, if not because of my languages and all the food that is good for the brain that I eat then because there haven’t been anyone in my family that we’d know of so far struggling with stuff like that. I tend to be very scatterbrained in some circumstances though, and my memory seems to work a bit differently from most people I know because I tend to remember things they usually don’t or easily forget things that they do remember, sometimes such that are actually quite important, which sometimes make me seriously wonder what’s wrong with my brain, though I suppose I just have to have different ways of doing things, apparently I have some minor difficulties with some of the executive functions or so said some of the people more or less knowledgeable in psychology/educationย  that I’ve met. And there are also my almost non existent math skills hahaha, though I don’t really care about those now as I don’t have to care.
  • Being vulnerable and showing it to others, talking about feelings. Sooo awkward.
  • Being a burden for others. There is one side of me that is very dependent on other people, mainly because I have to and need to because of my disability and various other difficulties however they should be called, which simply make me need a lot of help or at least support from other people with a lot of things. THe other side of me though is very individualistic and doesn’t like to ask people for help or needing it, and generally needing anything from others and making them focused on myself. That can cause quite a lot of chaos, for me, but also in a way to my family too.
  • Anything that reminds me of the time when I was recovering from my Achilles tendons surgery as a kid. It was a very sudden and unexpected experience for me, despite I knew it would happen, but when it did I wasn’t at all prepared to what it would be like, and it was generally incredibly hard for me and I still haven’t fully recovered from how scary that experience was for me, or processed it well. My legs were all in plasters for six weeks then and I was bed-bound and mostly alone, and then had to learn to walk all over again and such, which together with other circumstances was rather devastating on my mental wellbeing. Our Zofijka has very fragile bones and she had broken a few of them, and that was always very unsettling for me, I couldn’t even touch her plaster without feeling dread.
  • Institutions like schools or hospitals and such, that are aimed to help people and often do, but can make things worse for people as well. Can’t say that I have a full blown phobia around that, but I’ve been through a fair bit with different institutions, not always good things, and it has surely impacted my brain and the way I look at them, so I avoid them now if only I can.
  • Authoritarian, overly self-assured, egocentrical, obstinate and meddlesome kind of people who know best what’s best for everyone and always tell them what they should do, and have an aggressive way of being, sometimes unintentionally I guess. Well I doubt anyone could like such individuals, but I know a couple of such people and they are all terrifying!
  • Clinginess. I mean, I hate it when people cling to me like want constant attention, constantly being with them, helping them or doing something for them, invading my privacy, you know, I don’t know how to deal with it and feel disoriented, and because of this, I avoid being clingy myself and I often feel like I am in some way that might be annoying for someone. So I’d rather prefer to seem detached or uninterested than clingy, as it’s one of the traits in people that I dislike the most. I can’t judge it objectively if I am clingy or not, but I know that sometimes I can strongly attach to people, like them a lot, think about them a lot, want to be a lot with them, and if that happens, to me with someone, it can be a dilemma.
  • Rejection. Well I have the diagnosis of AVPD so that would be easy to deduce. I think my fear of being clingy is related to it. It’s not like I really desperately want everyone to accept me like for all means, like that I would be afraid to for example say my opinion on something in fear that someone might think differently and thus they will dislike me, or I don’t go frantically in search for people who will like me and then do everything to keep them, and I think I can hide well my AVPD issues in everyday life, to some extent of course. It’s more like that I often don’t let myself to be close enough to them so that they can’t reject me, or I don’t let them close enough to me even though I would like to, but am too scared. When I am close with someone, friends or something, and they are important to me, I tend to test people subtly, so that they wouldn’t be aware of it, or so I hope, well OK even I wasn’t fully aware of it before I started to explore that whole AVPD thing and the way my close relationships look like, I must say I feel very weird with this since I know it, testing people sounds scary, doesn’t it? ๐Ÿ˜€ I guess sometimes I do it almost involuntarily, though I don’t know if it justifies me. I just feel I have to do it though, to find out if they are able to accept me, what’s their opinion about me and relation to me really like, even if it means that I’ll make them reject me sooner because of that than if it happened later on, as it makes me feel more in control of things. Otherwise I’m afraid that they will reject me suddenly before I either manage to escape or make them do it myself. Ugh it’s hard to describe and sounds freaky, I don’t really know how to talk about it.
  • Criticism. I think I generally have distance to myself, often use autoirony and self-deprecating humour. I can take constructive criticism now, or so I think, I often een ask people for it to see some things from someone else’s point of view, especially if something is important to me, and I value honest opinions, and I at least try to appreciate it, but even constructive criticism can be very very hard for me to deal with. I actually hate to admit it.
  • Losing Misha or anything bad happening to Misha. Sometimes even small things can set me off, like when he gets badly stuck somewhere or closed somewhere for hours. I guess sometimes I care about it more than he does hahaha. And about losing Misha, well I guess I don’t have to say more.
  • Losing my Mum. My Mum is a very important person to me emotionally, but also helps me a lot with lots of things which otherwise would be impossible/very difficult for me to do.
  • Tech issues. My devices help me with things that other people can do without technology, everyday stuff like reading, shopping, learning etc. They also help me with communication with other people and expressing myself, and being less dependent on other people. It usually upsets me then to some extent when something’s not working as it should. Although I have an impression that those things started to worry me much more since last year when I had that long monthly hiatus from blogging in September, when my computer crashed so badly. I’d suppose it would make me deal better with it, but guess it worked the opposite way.
  • Change. Usually negative of course, but even positive but major changes can set me off for a while.
  • Silence, and speciffic sounds, or as I call it collectively my “sensory anxiety”. I don’t really know how to explain this, because it’s very complicated and hard to describe. I’m also not sure I want and should, I haven’t talked to anyone about this in detail and usually people just can’t get it, I don’t either. But basically, just about the silence and the sounds, it’s that when I’m in silence, on my own, it doesn’t even always have to be complete silence, my brain feels sort of understimulated or so I explain it to myself, since hearing is the sense that provides me the most information, so it would be probably some form of sensory deprivation, and when there are not many auditory stimuli, my brainย  tries to fill it in with something, and that’s when weird things can start. That’s how I’ve been told it apparently might work, though I don’t know anyone else with this type of thing other than a few blind people who had something slightly similar as little children and then grew out of it. Why it has to cause me so much anxiety, I don’t know. Maybe my brain is an adrenaline junkie. Well I am certainly not.I guess it could be compared a bit to how sighted people are afraid of darkness, and imagination starts working at night especially for kids. With sounds, it’s that some sounds, harmonies, just auditory stuff is scary for me. Not only the things most people would find scary, so loud noises or other intrusive, objectively aggressive sounds that we associate with something bad, not necessarily them, just things that I subjectively find frightening to some degree. Some could be just slightly disturbing, some very unsettling and feel like they’re seething with aggression towards me.
  • Sleep paralysis. Especially my sleep paralysis “friends”. I mean those people or creatures or whatever they are that regularly appear in my dreams. Therefore I’m generally anxious about sleep a lot of the time because I never know when it will happen for sure, and I have no way of freeing myself from them.
  • Releasing strong feelings, especially around other people, especially anger, or not being in control of my feelings.
  • Horse riding. yes, you read it right! I’m afraid of horse riding. I guess I’ve shared my story with horse riding somewhere on my blog before, and that there was a time in my life when I was deadly scared of it. Now I’m not deadly scared of it and I don’t hate it, quite the opposite, I love horse riding, as my loyal readers know. But at the same time I still do have some anxiety around it. I’m always anxious and tense before horse riding and it takes me a while to relax. I know it’s going to be great in the end, yet I can’t shake off the anxiety. Sometimes it’s stronger than normal and I once had a bad panic attack when riding. I hate it because it makes horse riding so much harder for me. I don’t even know what’s the source of it, I guess it could be my balance problems in part, sometimes I feel dizzy and out of control while riding, but I guess that’s just a part of it. My previous horse, Czardasz a.k.a. ลoล›, was very good at detecting my anxiety, he was generally good at adjusting to the way the rider was feeling at any moment apparently, and I always felt like we had almost telepathic relationship haha. He was also so calm and phlegmatic and always making me feel safe that it helped me a lot with the anxiety to just be around him and feel him. But unfortunately ลoล› died last year, so I no longer have him. I now ride another horse, when I have chance, whose name is Tarzan, aka. Rudy, and I love him to pieces as well, but we don’t have the connection like that, actually I feel that when I’m anxious, he becomes too, so it’s not helping.
  • That when people say something to me, they actually make allusions and mean something different, or when they say good things to me I’m afraid they say it ironically or sarcastically. Paranoid I know. ๐Ÿ˜€ Happens to me very regularly, but I try not to let it affect my relationships with people as much as I can, and pretend that I ignore it, until I’m alone and can think through their motives and my brain explodes with thousands of “what if’s”.
  • Eating around other people. First because of emetophobia, that someone or me might feel suddenly sick, but I managed to deal quite well with this now as my emetophobia is milder and I know it’s unlikely for people to get sick suddenly like that, Second social anxiety and that when I’m anxious I don’t feel like eating, while I feel that I should, when there is for example a family gathering it looks weird that I’m not eating, so I try to eat but it can be a nightmare when I’m really stressed. And third is that I am so self-conscious and just afraid I’ll do something wrong or inappropriate, for example because I can’t see what others are doing. Or that I might do something accidentally like knock over or spill something, not a frequent occurence, as even though I’m rather clumsy I try to be careful in such circumstances, but you never know. As a little kid I once had a situation at my gran’s that I was eating something that was hard to eat for me and I ended up being a bit messy, not very badly but my Dad saw it, and was very concerned and sort of told me off rather loudly, so that had to turn all the others’ attention. Now I don’t even remember the episode very clearly and I don’t think it was that important, but my Mum says I took it very badly at that time and as ifย  he offended me in front of others. So I guess that might be why I’m so self-conscious with eating.
  • People staring at me. Yes if someone is staring at me long and persistently enough I can feel it. I hate it. I guess I more hate it than am anxious of it, but am anxious too. I also really dislike the consciousness of a lot of people looking at me at once. I am afraid of people looking me in the eyes and seeing something I don’t want them to see (though rationally it’s highly unlikely), so when I don’t feel confident I like to use that luxury that I can keep my eyes closed whenever I want. ๐Ÿ˜€ I am a characteristic person overall, don’t like to turn to much attention to myself but on the other hand I like being different, I also wouldn’t have much choice even if I wouldn’t like it because I am disabled and it’s usually visible in this or that way, so it happens that people are staring at me when I’m out somewhere and if there is some bigger distance between them and me I can’t always feel it. But I have Zofijka on whom I can rely with this as she often informs me that someone is staring at me. And, quite to the contrast with my social anxiety and all, sometimes I like to let them know that I see them – stick my tongue at them, show them my middle finger or wave at them, depending on the severity of their stare, my mood and additional circumstances.
  • Singing. I used to love singing as a little child, or maybe I just believed I did, don’t know really, but I guess I was quite a good singer, some people were moved, said I sing very well and liked it. When I was in the nursery and early school years I was singing publicly on different occasions. But something just changed with time. One thing was that I started to see, or maybe it was just my perception, that people only see me through my singing, some people were very kind to me and showing me lots of their attention but as it seemed only because they liked my singing. I didn’t want to be perceived like that. At the same time my anxiety which was always a part of my life started going higher, things in my life were changing making it gradually worse and finally I realised I hated singing for other people and making music. i then had two years break while being in the integration school, from where I had to go back to the boarding school, but never came back to singing. I’ve heard lots of people complaining about that and asking me why I don’t sing anymore, what a pity and such, one teacher even said that she wanted to be my class teacher because she loved my singing. Maybe I was hypersensitive but I felt relief that she wasn’t, if she liked my singing more than me. And I still feel this way. Maybe I was hypersensitive because when people made comments about that and what a pity it was I felt like if they can’t get over it so much they probably didn’t like anything else about me or didn’t think that I can do anything else well. I was forcing myself to stay in the music school for a couple years and play piano, and sang together with others in a sort of church choir, I also once sang solo which was incredibly difficult for me, and in the meantime I tried a bit guitar at home, but finally I realised creating music probably just isn’t for me, even if I have a talent. I was relieved to free myself of it all finally, and concentrate on listening to music more. I am terribly blocked from singing in front of other people, after I stopped doing it at school and left the school, I did it only once, singing with my friend Jacek from Helsinki, who loved music and always wanted to hear me singing, and, well, he could persuade the moon to shine in the middle of the day if he wanted, I suppose. ๐Ÿ˜€ Other than that, I never sing in front of others, unless fooling around or something, although I do like to sing when I’m on my own or for Misha to sleep hahaha or in the shower. I’ve heard it from someone that it’s very bad, a sin, to neglect a talent that you’ve been given and that you know of. But honestly I don’t care. And I suppose in a way I use it with my languages, as languages are also a form of music. A bit surprisingly, I could deal reasonably well when I had to read something publicly, or even say if I knew exactly what, or act in a play though I was horribly stiff with the last. No I didn’t like it and it was challenging, but manageable if necessary and I think still would be if I had to speak in public, although I’m happy that I hadn’t have to be on the stage for years now and have no desire for it anymore.
  • Travelling, getting out of the house. In a way I like it, in a way I hate it. I hate travelling because it correlates with my other anxieties a lot, and getting out of the house because it often involves being around people and sometimes just feels unsafe. But on the other hand I do like travelling, and appreciate it very much that sometimes going out of the house and being out in nature, or even with other human beings, can actually alleviate your anxiety. Just depends I guess.
  • Being touched. Sometimes it can be comforting and I actually want it, but at the same time it’s scary. Same as any other kind of closeness.
  • Wasps. I had three bad encounters with them and I hate them. I’m not so scared of bees though, i’ve never had to do with them personally, maybe that’s why. And they are useful hahahaha maybe that makes a difference.
  • Some tastes. It’s not that I just dislike them but they are somewhat disturbing for me. can’t say I’m anxious because of them, but just very uneasy. Guess it’s more of a sensory sensitivity stuff than anxiety though in fact.
  • That people will use things I say against me. Just have happened to me quite a few times in my life in important situations.
  • Public transport. It’s simply scary and overwhelming. How can you not see it? Well OK trains are bearable, but the rest is real scary.
  • Parties, especially proms, balls, discos, dancings. No, I’m not really scared of dancing. I dislike it and don’t feel it like some people do that it’s so cool and fun, but am not afraid of it. I don’t know why I hate dancing parties so much and dread them so much. It was always the case. Apparently when I was a little girl my parents took me for a ball organised for children and I felt sick and threw up there but I don’t even remember it. Maybe it was that. I just know that whenever there was some disco or prom or ball at school when I was a child I would do everything to avoid going there. i feel very lost at such places. Crowds and loud music are overwhelming, and so is socialising, but it’s something else that must be so dreadful for me. I do a bit better at such parties and can even have some fun if I am with someone safe to whom I can stick to and always know where they are and have them close to me, so maybe it’s just disorienting.
  • Flying on the plane or travelling on the sea. That’s ridiculous in a way because I’ve never been on a plane. But considering all my travelling issues, it must be scary, and I always dread it. Travelling on the sea is very challenging for my balance though I haven’t had much to do with it either, only to and from Sweden.
  • Splinters. Seeing someone removing it, having it removed, having it removed myself. I’m normally not very afraid of pain but for some reason it’s different here and it really scares me.
  • Children, other than Zofijka. Not always am I afraid of children, though I usually don’t know how to get on with them, which often results in feeling anxious if I have to or feel I should.

OK, that’s enough hahaha. All that I can think of at the moment. Do you struggle with anything similar? What are your “inner phobias”? ๐Ÿ˜€

Reasons why I’m learning Swedish.

Hey hey people! ๐Ÿ™‚

Do any of you who were already around here a year ago remember my post

Reasons Why I’m Learning Welsh?

Well I got an impression that it got quite a lot of reaction, at least more than I’d suppose it could on not even a month-old blog, and it seemed like people were interested, and some time before I published that post on my Polish blog where even though I had only a couple of readers it also got quite a lot of attention and more that I initially expected. It was also lots of fun for me, so let’s see how it goes with Swedish this year. I actually should write the Swedish post earlier since I started learning Swedish earlier than Welsh, but who cares about chronology nonsense. Not me anyway hahaha.

I’m going to refer to some reasons I posted in the Welsh post because some of the reasons for learning both languages are the same for me. Also they are in no particular order, just as they come to my mind, and I don’t have any particular number that I’m aspiring to, we’ll see how many I can come up with.

1.

Because I just plain like it. What better reason can you have? I like Swedish language, I like Swedish culture, I like Swedes, (even though I don’t always agree with them or support them in all that they do and in all that is going on in their country but I don’t have to, and diversity of views, opinions and ways of doing things is in my opinion, among others, one of things that makes this world interesting ๐Ÿ™‚ ). I love the sound of Swedish. My first contact with Swedish was when I was a very little child, we lived in the countryside, on a bit of a hill, so that when there was good weather, or after the storm, and you went upstairs, you could find Swedish radiostations in the radio. And sometimes I listened to them, absolutely hypnotised by the sound of swedish. I didn’t even know for sure whether it’s Swedish,I asked my parents what it is and they said maybe Swedish, maybe Norwegian, maybe Danish, or maybe something else. But I liked to think it was Swedish, and it was Swedish. I could listen to it for hours, and I still can. After some time I watched “The Six Children Of Bullerby” with my Mum. I always loved the book and Mum read it to me countless times before watching that film. She read the subtitles to me so that I knew what they were saying, but I remember that I didn’t really care about it, I didn’t care about what was going on in the film, I just listened to the language and nothing else interested me, it was so beautiful. So then my obsession with Swedish developed fully and when I was 10 years old, Mum found a teacher for me. I was at the integration school back then for two years, not the boarding school, so it was possible for me to learn Swedish at home which I really enjoyed. Unfortunately, we had to face the fact that integration was not for me, and there were also some external factors involved, so I had to go back to the boarding school,which meant there was no point in continuing my swedish lessons as they would be rare and very irregular, and when I was home from school I didn’t really feel like learning anything. I yearned for Swedish terribly though, so had to sort of suppress it, put it deep inside my brain to not have to think about the fact that I can’t learn Swedish to be able to accept it. I succeeded at it, only when I happened to hear something in or about swedish, my brain exploded with longing all over again. But I was able to restart my Swedish when I got out from there. Swedish is one of my most favourite languages, in case of which I feel some sort of pressuring need to be in contact with them, use them, explore them, just be in touch with them as much as possible. It’s a bit strange and hard to explain for someone who doesn’t have, it, it feels like some sort of a strange calling. ๐Ÿ˜€

ย ย  2.

Because one of my music crushes – Cornelis Vreeswijk – lived in Sweden, created music and poems in Swedish, and I usually tend to love my crushes’ languages, since my languages are my fetishes, yeah it might sound crazy but I’ve just had to accept it hahaha. I actually feel like in a way I owe my reunion with the Swedish language to Cornelis. It was in my last year of being in the boarding school, I was at home for some short break, working on some project for school. And in my mind I was hearing a song which my swedish teacher showed to me years ago which we used for learning some new words. I memorised it back then but I didn’t think I could remember it after all those years of not thinking about it, but turns out I did and quite clearly. The song was called “Balladen Om Herr Fredrik ร…kare Och Den Sรถta Frรถken Cecilia Lind” (The Ballad About Fredrik ร…kare And The Sweet Miss cecilia Lind), which surprisingly I also remember despite the long title, and was a real brainworm, but I didn’t know who did it so I just googled it. And so it was my first conscious contact with Vreeswijk’s music, and I slowly started to get this strange crush despite that actually he wasn’t really my style. If I have a crush, I’m very nosey and want to know everything possible about them, their music, their life, their personality, likes, dislikes, views, whatever. Vreeswijk was quite easy to get a lot of info about, as he was quite (in)famous in his time and still lots of Swedes love him or hate him and he’s well known, but in order to get that info, I had to understand at least basic Swedish. So I had to learn really quickly to quench my thirst, both for Swedish and for knowledge about my crush. And, despite at the beginning before I left school I really suffered for lack of resources, it was speedy, almost miraculous! I could amost feel the words I learned before and forgot coming back to my brain, and the more I listened to Vreeswijk’s music, read and worked on it, the more intense this process of language recovery felt, and it felt gorgeous! Summer holidays came, and passed away, and surprisingly and very dynamically my life changed diametrically and I got out of that school, that’s another story, and quite a yucky one despite a happy ending so I won’t write much about it here. But that paradoxically opened new possibilities before me, and because I had individual education for the next year which was less absorbing, time consuming and anxiety provoking than normally going to school, I had a lot of time to devote myself to my Swedish studies. By sheer luck and a very weird and funny accident my Mum got in touch with my former Swedish teacher so we could start all over again. Well not really all over again, because to huge surprise and amazement of both of us it turned out that my Swedish is actually a bit better and more communicative than those six years ago. ๐Ÿ˜€ Funny innit? He said that I had to literally skip some stages of development of my Swedish. With time I learned more about Vreeswijk, among others that he migrated to Sweden with his family at the age of 12, with no Swedish at all, but managed to start attending a normal, mainstream Swedish school after a year of learning. And I suddenly felt very competitive. Because wow, he learned Swedish in a year enough to communicate in it properly, and then was fluent like a native as an adult. I want to be like this too! I’m gonna do this! I guess his task was easier than mine as he lived in Sweden, didn’t have much choice about it, and Dutch is much more similar to Swedish than Polish, he was also younger than me which I guess does make a difference. But I guess i accomplished this goal really well. I still am not fully satisfied with my Swedish, but I think I would manage in a Swedish school if I had to. My crush on Vreeswijk has faded, which means that I still have it but it got dominated by my newer crush from Wales – Gwilym Bowen Rhys –ย  but my crush is my crush so I’m loyal to them all. Vreeswijk was a socialist and had quite controversial views on lots of things, which I most often don’t agree with him about, but I love his lyrics and poems that don’t regard politics and other stuff like that, and my dream is to translate them to Polish. Don’t know how realistic it is, and how realistic and successful could be introducing him to Polish people, but I’d like to try, and I’m still trying, very strenuously, even just for myself.

3.

Because I wanted to read “The Six Bullerby Children” in Swedish. I did. A few times. ๐Ÿ™‚

ย 4.

Because of other Swedish language music. I feel like Welsh music speaks much more to me than Swedish, but they still have loads of great music.

5.

Because so many people think it’s difficult. OK I can agree with you on Welsh, Celtic languages can feel a little abstractive at times, though I am also pretty sure there are more difficult languages. But Swedish isn’t difficult at all. It’s childishly simple. It has some annoying grammar quirks and a few sounds that might be a little challenging, but that’s all. Just because you don’t hear it as often as English, doesn’t mean it’s difficult. I’d risk a statement that it’s easier than English, well my ENglish is better than my Swedish at the moment, but I think overall Swedish is easier.

6.

As I already wrote in reason #1, I like Swedes, I like all of the nations that speak my favourite languages/dialects/accents, and I feel a strange sense of bond with them. Obviously my Polish people are closest to me than any other but I feel really close to all of them. I also want to connect with my people via my languages

7.

To show Swedes that their language is beautiful. I don’t know for sure and I know I shouldn’t generalise but it feels to me like many of them don’t fully appreciate their language, even though Swedish is not like Welsh almost on the verge of extinction. I think we all often take our own mother tongues for granted. All Swedish people speak English, or almost all but I’ve never come across anyone who wouldn’t. It happened to me countless times with Swedes with whom I initiated contact online that I wrote them in Swedish and they wrote to me in English. I know it’s just their kindness and they want to adjust to me (or maybe my Swedish is still so shitty hahaha), but it always sort of frustrated me because it felt like they didn’t want to give me a chance to practice, or maybe felt like Swedish is something exclusive, I don’t know. They were of course happy with it when I told them they can write to me in Swedish, but it felt weird. Same when I was in Stockholm, whenever I couldn’t find a word and automatically used an English one, they would respond to me in English. Ughhhhh. Maybe it’s a little incomprehensible to me because many people in Poland wouldn’t do it. I think I wouldn’t either if I saw a foreigner here and realised that he can speak at least basic Polish. And maybe Swedes just got used to speaking to all non Swedes in English by default because of so many imigrants that are in Sweden who can’t speak Swedish. So I want to show them that their language is also beautiful and worth learning, not so very difficult that a foreigner can’t learn it, and it’s not them who have to make all the effort, the other side can do something too to make the communication easier. If they can learn English, why can’t we learn Swedish.

8.

Because people wouldn’t treat me seriously if I only learned some endangered languages on the verge of extinction about which most people don’t even have the slightest idea. My Dad still thinks I’m making up this whole Welsh learning thing even if I talk to him in Welsh. But Swedish, yes! Swedish is a serious language! You can earn a lot of money in Sweden, you can translate crime novels, you can work in transport or in embassy! Swedish is well respected and recognised. In Welsh post I said that my learning Welsh is a good conversation starter ’cause people always ask either why or what it is or how it sounds. With Swedish, they always say: “Aww, that must be difficult. But you can do lots of things with it.”

9.

Don’t know how anywhere else, but in Poland people really dislike German language. All the WWII associations aside, they just think it’s an ugly, harsh language. And for some stupid reason they think Swedish is as well. Especially older people for some reason. But it’s not. It’s maybe not as softy as French or Italian, it has a character and is, as I like to put it, al dente, but it’s definitely not harsh.

10.

To scare my grandma. Yes I put it already in the welsh post. No my grandma doesn’t really believe that Swedes are pagans too like Welshies, but she has very conservative views and is slightly obsessed with religious matters, and constantly worries about the whole world like Filly-Jonk from “The Moomins”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a rightist and a Christian as well, but she is a little extreme and, oh well, I just like to make fun of people, even of my tribe. So, any time she sees me and conversation is focused on me/my languages, she asks me what I see in Swedish. “Sweden is such a cold, lawless, self-devastating country of lonely people! Why do you like them so much?” She is very intelligent but can’t comprehend why I like them so much. We often talk about Swedish politics, she asks me whether I know what’s going on there. I’m not always up to date and while I do care about politics, I don’t trace it all the time and for all my favourite countries, but I try to update my knowledge at least once in a while and with Sweden it’s rather easy. So I tell her about some spicier things that I’ve heard, often colourising it, and relish her utter fright.

11.

To develop my brain. For more details on my brain wellness obsession see the Welsh post.

12.

TO scribble in Swedish in my diary. I like my scribbles to be private and in my household no one else speaks Swedish, so I can have a guarantee that if I write in Swedish no one here will get it even if they would find my diary and figure out how to get to it. Also, for me, all of my languages correspond with particular feelings. As I wrote in the Welsh post, for Welsh main ones are anger, enthusiasm, longing and joy. For Swedish it’s happiness, (not like euphoria but just calm, stable, peaceful happiness, contentment and strong pleasure), amusement, surprise, serenity and disappointment/grief/apathy. So I feel particularly inclined to write in Swedish when feeling any of those things. Also, when my crush on Vreeswijk was at its best, I tended to even write to him. You know, if someone is dead, it’s different than when they are alive and don’t know you and don’t care about you. I believe that if there is an afterlife, which I believe there is, those who passed away can know what’s going on on Earth. I was sure that he must know me, and liked to think that he would be proud of me because of my Swedish and all that, and that he likes me. So I took an example from my Mum, who also wrote her diary in form of letters and wrote letters to Cornelis, in Swedish. ๐Ÿ˜€

13.

To talk to Misha or myself in another language. It was actually my Swedish teacher who suggested to me talking to Misha in Swedish because his point of view was that cats understand every language.

14.

It’s useful! If you can speak Swedish, you can understand at least to some degree Norwegian, especially Bokmรฅl, and even Danish though personally I find Danish rather hard to understand while listening but if I read it I can get at least the mere context. Icelandic is related though not closely enough, but it happens that I also understand some interesting bits and pieces and it’s always nice. Recently I listened to an Icelandic song and understood that “The ocean is cold”, yay for me! ๐Ÿ˜€ It’s not much definitely but, hey, if I didn’t speak Swedish, I wouldn’t have a clue about it otherwise. One of my favourite languages is Faroese and while it seems to be even further related to Swedish than Icelandic, I believe that once I start learning it, I’m going to be very grateful for my Swedish. I also plan to learn Dutch which is of course not a Scandinavian language but shares some similarities and I can already see it very clearly.

15.

It’s useful not only with Germanic languages. I strongly hope that when it will be the time for me to learn Sami and Finnish, my Swedish will help me, as English helps me with Welsh because all resources are in it. Swedish is always close to Finnish than Polish because of Sweden and Finland being neighbours and influencing each other, and there is a Finnish minority in Sweden and Swedish-speaking Finns in Finland, and the Sami are also a minority in Sweden.

16.

Because “Swenglish” accent is cute, sexy and crasily amasing! I want to know why and how it is the way it is, and what better way could be than learning Swedish, figuring out its phonetics and putting myself in the same position as Swedes.

17.

TO be able to understand what they talk about in those radiostations I was so amazed with as a kid. ๐Ÿ˜€

18.

To read Swedish books, not only Astrid Lindgren’s. My vocabulary in Swedish is still a bit limited so it takes me a lot of time and effort to read something as long as a book and focus on it and enjoy it, but I try sometimes. I still haven’t read all the Swedish books I’ve got for myself during my trip to Stockholm. Not just because of the language but uhhh scanning sucks and is boring.

19.

TO scare strangers. See the Welsh post for details.

20.

To help me with my anxieties, depression and generally my freaky brain.

21.

Because every language you know gives you a different perspective on different things.

22.

Because if not my Swedish, I wouldn’t go to Stockholm and have so much fun there. I wouldn’t realise that although my anxieties including social anxiety can be really crippling and debilitating, my love for languages is stronger. And because if not Swedish, I would miss some other cool things in life too. Like I wouldn’t meet my friend Jacek from Helsinki. My friendship with him, although a bit stormy and weird, as he was stormy and weird, was also one of the most unusual and interesting things that happened to me, and now that he’s no longer on Earth, Swedish reminds me of his spirit and charisma.

23.

Because I like vikings and Norse mythology. I can like them without learning Swedish but this way it’s more fun. ๐Ÿ˜€

24.

Because I hope that indeed it will help me in future in some way.

ย ย  25.

Because Swedish is so uncomplicated in terms of expressing yourself. I consider myself quite a complex person, with lots of complicated feelings, ideas and complicated things going on, and sometimes I find it difficult and annoying that I can’t seem to be able to express myself properly and adequately, meaning that I can say exactly what I want and how I feel, not have to say that something is either black or white, sounding naturally and not too sublime and sophisticated or silly on the other hand. But in a way I love this trait of Swedish, because sometimes when I feel that my brain goes too complex and I get trapped in it, I like to just sit down and think it through in swedish. Things usually look much simpler then.

Oh my, I wouldn’t think that there will be more reasons than for Welsh! It’s a lot, isn’t it? So i can be sure that it’s worth it! ๐Ÿ˜

 

Commitmentof a mother.

Hi guys. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ve been thinking about finally writing some other posts, other than my usual series, and looking forward to doing it, and I planned to do some more writing over the weekend, though, quite predictably, I was never able to publish anything as it was my Mum’s and my brother’s birthday, also I had some rather bad anxiety and quite a lot was going on here. Nevertheless, both my Mum, and one of the recent writing prompts gave me an idea for a post. One of the recent words of the day at Word Of The Day Challenge was commit, and recently me and my Mum talked about commitment and dedication in relation to my grandma. I’d like to write about my Mum, and how I admire her, and thus also generally about mothers and motherhood.

There are lots of things that I admire in my Mum, but the one I would like to focus on now is her commitment.

Her commitment and dedication to motherhood, to us, her children, and to our whole family. I really don’t know where we’d be if not Mum, and I’m not just talking about the fact that she gave birth to my siblings and me, but that she is like an adhesive for our family, and keeps together us and everything in our house and family. I am happy to say that I have a good relationship with my Dad, but it has never been as deep as my connection with Mum. And even if I was ony to say on behalf of myself, I also don’t know where I’d be without my Mum.

Being disabled, I need more help with many things than an average person, sometimes a lot more, and my Mum has always been there for me, ready to help me out with really different things. Even when I was away from home at the boarding school, she always tried ther best to find the time and possibility to visit me or take me home for the weekend while she didn’t really have to as there was a rather big distance between the school and my home. She also tried her best to make my life easier there, and when there was a time I was emotionally abused by some of the staff she was the one to notice it despite the distance between us, and she was the one to make it stop. I’ve heard many very positive comments about my Mum at school, both from the staff and my friends, that I am really lucky to have such a committed and involved Mum. Not that other kids didn’t of course, though such situations also happened sometimes as they always do, that some children came from families where they weren’t loved, but because she did so much more than she had to, and her involvement was very visible. I also have mental health difficulties, since years but that both me and some of my family became more aware of only in recent years, and while my Mum doesn’t always understand it, she’s still there for me, if not in any other way than at least happy to help me practically. She’d been helping me to get to therapy, picking my prescriptions, she is my “spokesperson” in all sorts of new or difficult situations when I feel anxious or whenever I’m just not fully able to stand for myself, and I appreciate help hugely. She’s done so many big and little things for me that I probably wouldn’t be able to acknowledge all of them in a single post even if I dedicated it only for such purpose. ๐Ÿ˜€

My Mum is definitely a type of altruist who gets easily engaged in what she does and is very responsible and caring, that’s her nature, but sometimes I wonder whether all those commitments she has made over the years since she’s become a wife and a mother, whether they sometimes don’t make her feel unfulfilled in other areas, like her professional career for example, or her social life that would extend beyond her family.

My parents got married when she was 22. Mum was learning to be a beautician and after that tried studying pedagogy but didn’t really have a heart for it and didn’t feel motivated so quit it and then, two years after their wedding, they had me. They had to go a long way until they realised that I’m blind, it wasn’t like that I was born and they were told that, my blindness was congenital but well doctors just didn’t notice it and left my parents to figure it out on their own, and as it has turned out there were some other things we had to figure out blindly, pun intended, even much later on, but that’s another thing actually. Anyway, when Mum finally did figure out that I’m blind, soon after Olek arrived so with two little kids and one disabled she didn’t even think about looking for a job, despite at those very beginnings the financial situation in our family was really not the best, and by the way it’s also partly thanks to Mum that now Dad has the job he has and that our situation is much better nowadays. But Mum, even when I went to the boarding school at the age of 5, still was a full time Mum and still is, even though both me and Olek are adults and Zofijka can mostly take care of herself during the day, and so can I for the most part. And we really appreciate her for that, but as I said, I wonder whether she doesn’t feel a little disappointed with her life sometimes, having so many commitments, many of which she really didn’t have much choice about.

They say though that you usually copy your parents in your life choices. ANd that would be true for my Mum, because the thing was very similar with my grandma.

She is a very intelligent, cultured lady, had great ambitions as a young woman, got degrees in such diverse fields as food technology and theology, but she is also a very gentle, sensitive, idealistic and actually naive person, believing that everyone is like her and has the same values. And during her food technology studies met my grandad – also a very intelligent, cultured, strong, manly, fiendishly ambitious and versatile man. – They were madly in love with each other like most couples are at the beginning, the thing was that each of them had their own dreams that were quite different from each other’s, and my grandad was incredibly stubborn and domineering, to the point that in our current standards I suppose we could call it abusive. His dream has always been farming, because of his huge interest in agriculture, so it was clear to him that his wife will have to adjust and live in the sh*thole and dedicate herself to him and breeding hens to help him grow his business.

I love my grandad, have had a pretty close relationship with him, he has always stood for me when I most needed it, even when no one else did, and I always feel very safe with him and like we have a strangely deep connection and understanding for each other, and overall he’s one of the people I admire most in my life, particularly for how comprehensively skilled he is, but although he has mellowed a whole lot in his old age, I feel really bad about him being so bossy and tyrannical to my grandma. He wouldn’t let her go anywhere on her own, he decided what she should do or not do, with whom she can meet, he forbade her to drive anywhere, have her own work or money or any personal life that he wouldn’t be able to fully control. I guess even if she was assertive she wouldn’t be able to resist this and stand for herself, but she wasn’t, at all. He even didn’t let her to go to church on her own, only when it suited him and he would be able to drop her there, which was a big pain for her because my grandma has always been a very devout Christian. Grandad was brought up in a Christian family too, but it was never a priority for them and I guess he was too proud to be able to live through Christian faith where you have to be humble and rely on God rather than on yourself. So he wasn’t really keen on that which was also a big problem for grandma. As the children arrived her life was focused only around the household/farm, selling eggs with grandad and mothering the four kids. Later on grandad started drinking too much alcohol and has once tried to commit suicide, and while it’s no longer a problem and he doesn’t drink at all, it used to be something that grandma really struggled with and couldn’t accept, and tried to desperately hide it from children in which she succeeded as my Mum only learned about his alcoholism when she was an adult. At some point as I told you grandma got a degree from theology and wanted to work as a religion teacher or something like that but then one of my aunts was born and there were quite awful complications and she was a very vulnerable and sickly baby even though now thankfully she’s thriving and perfectly fine.

Now my grandparents’ relationship is less stormy, as I said my grandad has mellowed a lot both to his wife and to his children and all his grandchildren love him dearly, though they’re certainly not madly in love with each other and grandma is still suffering because of grandad’s cynical/haughty approach regarding faith and that he treats her like she’s very inferior to him, but he does appear to love her in some way and cares for her in that controlling, possessive way as some people do since they can’t otherwise.

She has certainly had her fair share of sufferings, but, most importantly here, has been always so very committed, to her husband, children, and every other responsibility that life has placed on her. In a way I admire her for that, but on the other hand, the extend to which my grandma commits herself is sort of strange to me and I feel like I couldn’t do that without feeling frustrated. just every minute. She doesn’t actually have her own life. Her life evolves around her children and grandchildren, caring for her husband, their work, praying, and now there is a little bit of place for gardening, but that’s it.

My Mum is not like that, my Mum is stronger and more assertive, but still has that extreme ability to dedicate herself to others.

It makes me wonder how marriage and motherhood can really change you and your life so much. When it comes to me, I’m happy to help people, but I really don’t think I could commit myself to someone to such an extend and so unconditionally, it feels rather overwhelming and strangling. I still most probably have a fair bit of ife ahead of me and I know things can change, but so far I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to have children, and even if I would want at some point, I most probably wouldn’t be able to be a good mother for many different reasons. But I really admire my Mum in that, and other mothers who do it like this, silently and without shouting how altruistic they are, and I know that if ever my Mum would need someone to commit themselves to her, I will try my best to do it since I owe her so much. I am proud to say that now I can at least listen to her, and that even though it’s usually her who is the listener for others, I often listen to her when she has problems, and Iย  am the first person she goes to since I got out of the boarding school if she wants to talk about some stuff that affects her deeply. i am happy she trusts me and that I can give her at least that.

What do you think about commitments in relation to motherhood/family life? What are your experiences with your mum, or with your own parenting if you are a parent? Are you deeply committed to anyone, be it in a relationship or whatever? If you’re not a parent, do you feel like you could dedicate yourself to your children full time or is your professional/social/any other aspect of your life so important to you that you couldn’t give it up? ๐Ÿ™‚

Karolina Czarnecka – “Hera, Koka, Hasz, LSD” (Heroine, Cocaine, Hash, LSD).

Hey hey people. ๐Ÿ™‚

Why do I post such weird stuff on here?… I’m very curious if someone will be wondering, even seeing the title… I actually wouldn’t be overly surprised. ๐Ÿ˜€

This is a Polish song, as you can probably guess, haven’t shared anything in Polish with you for ages, well as I wrote a few times before I don’t really listen to that very much Polish music nowadays and if I do, the lyrics play very important part and without them it’s often just a piece of weird music so there’s no point in sharing it with you.

Karolina Czarnecka has become somewhat famous in 2014 when she sang this particular song I’m going to share with you, on one of the Polish music festivals. It is an interpretation of a song made by The Tiger Lilies “Heroine And Cocaine”. The festival was rather marginal but quite surprisingly the song became popular on Youtube and then actually nationwide, and at the same time became hugely controversial. I know people who were saying that it is absolute trash and how can such a controversial song, PROMOTING DRUGS (!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ ) and encouraging to share them, be so fussed about and even still exist on Youtube, that it is odd and just inappropriate and obscene. I thought so too, for quite a long time.

About a year ago, after the boom has washed away, I stumbled on a then newest album of Karolina Czarnecka, very accidentally, and I felt some sort of liking to her rather characteristic, original, versatile style, her strong voice, slightly odd lyrics and music that seemed to just somewhat click with my brain, as a blend of electronica, folk, and lots of stuff in between.

So it made me wonder, what’s up with this “Hera, Koka…” thing, maybe it’s some misunderstanding, maybe the point of it is different? And after I really listened to it carefully, I came to the conclusion that the point of this song is entirely different! THe opposite actually. It is said that the character in the song – Jimmy – has died because of drugs, and his friends did too! – Now it makes much more sense and was a lesson for me to not judge a book by its cover because all the others do so, but rather analyse it more closely.

Recently I also listened to the original song by The Tiger Lilies, and there it is even clearer that poor Jimmy has died, I can’t remember the exact lyrics but there was a mention that he went to heaven. In Karolina’s interpretation there is a mention of “paradise”, which could be understood differently, that he simply got so very high, and seems like most people understand it this way. I know this song can feel very dubious and challenging, and it certainly is provoking, but rather to increased use of our brains, than drugs. After all, there had to be some reason behind it when God equipped us with such powerful devices, so let’s use them and try to think independently, don’t you think so? ๐Ÿ˜‰ I like how ironic and sarcastic it is, rather than saying straight forward: “DRUGS ARE EVIL!!!”. Well I guess I’ve gotten used to such irony or even a little obscenity, having a crush on Vreeswijk. However, I still felt somewhat cautious when the thought came to my mind that maybe I’d share this little piece of music with you. Is it really what I think it is? So of course I did some research and I managed to find an interview with Karolina Czarnecka on Youtube, where she is asked what was her message behind her interpretation of this song, and whether she was aware of the reaction of people to it. She said that yes she was, and that her message was just the opposite and clear to find in the lyrics, that drugs cause death. Don’t know whether there is a point in linking to that interview as it is in Polish and the vast majority of my blog readers aren’t Polish, and I’m too lazy haha, if you’re Polish it’s rather easy to find but if you really can’t and are curious I can include it later on for some further reference, just let me know. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am also not including THe Tiger Lilies’ version, because Karolina’s version is not a direct translation of it, and because I just much prefer the Polish version. First because in my opinion it’s much more interesting musically, much more creative and the lyrics are sort of more imaginative and detailed too, with more character, hence probably being more provocative.

I don’t feel competent enough to translate the Polish lyricsย  to English, and if you happen to know The Tiger Lilies’ original song you know the basic sense, I’ll say that the song tells the story of Jimmy, a good, shy kid, going to school as he was supposed to, to whom the drug dealer sold three fixes of drugs and gave him one for free. At school, the “wise” headmaster got cross with him and told him not to be selfish and share it all fairly with all the students. And then as I’ve already mentioned, Jimmy, together with his friends ended up in paradise, where “all saints started to drug with him”.

OK, so here it is. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m curious of your impressions. ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day (30th January).

How would you describe your mum to your friends?

My answer:

Hm, I like to think I’m pretty good at describing people, and generally descriptions. But, I think it depends. Onn what kind of friend it would be, and what sort of description would be needed. Should they be able to recognise her on the train station if they’ve never seen her before, know what sort of mother she’s like, her personality, her likes and dislikes, should it be long or short? There are so many different ways you can describe a person. But OK, I’ll try to write something. I can assume that if you’ve read my previous posts, you already know a fair bit of basic stuff about my Mum, so I’ll focus more on her character.

My Mum is a tall woman, 180 cm, dark-skinned, she has sort of olive carnation I guess it would be called, black hair, naturally with some delicate glimpses of red and hazel eyes. SHe has a round face but with quite gentle features. She is very fit and healthy overall, though apparently she’s just a little bit overweight. You wouldn’t see it though for sure. She is very strong, both physically and mentally, but also feminine at the same time, though likes to think about herself as a pretty tomboy. I wouldn’t say that’s true, but she likes to appear as such. She is a great observer, notices quickly all the visual details of a person or thing she looks at. She’s an aesthete, loves beauty, but usually not symetrical and obviously beautiful things. she is very interested in interior design, and talented at it, very imaginative, dextrous and creative, although she has a very specific taste in it, likes to combine retro stuff with a little bit of a modern vibe, all kept in dark, warm colours, with lots of naturality. She generally likes all things natural. She is hugely passionate about health, lifestyle, natural and minimalistic lifestyle. SHe can talk about it for AGES. What’s healthy and what’s not, why all the pharmaceutical market is cheating, what natural remedies/alternative treatments you should try if you have this or that condition! I am also somewhat interested in medicine, not everything about it, but yes, and I do agree with most things she says, they are definitely true and she is such an expert that I always wonder why she doesn’t have a blog and spread her knowledge further, but hearing all this over, and over, and over, and over, and over… and over again is quite annoying sometimes. My Mum is also a minimalist, or tries to be. She is somewhat interested in beauty stuff, but doesn’t actually have many cosmetics and doesn’t care about them (because they are all just chemistry and people are naive to use them), but she uses lots and lots of natural oils, as much for skincare, as in food. She loves running, is an addict actually, and also does Tibetan yoga. My Mum is a Christian, Catholic, and her faith matters hugely for her, but does yoga for its health benefits, not getting into the whole meditation thing. She loves being out in nature. My Mum is sort of impulsive and sometimes overemotional, usually very spontaneous, optimistic and rather cheerful and likes having fun, but on the other hand she can be also very anxious and hypersensitive. She knows a lot about people and has some sort of a psychological talent, she knows how to talk to them and is also good at negotiating. People usually think she’s charming and nice. She likes to make an impression of an incredibly self-confident person though, and she has become much more self-confident with time, but apparently she’d been really struggling with it and still does at times. She is a homebody, likes her own company, has a bit weird sense of humour, is very intelligent though tries to make everyone else including herself believe that she is just an average housewife and a normal villager. She’s open-minded, curious of the world and likes to have her own way of doing things. She needs her solitude but she also makes a great hostess and likes making parties, meeting up with her family or friends, being around people, can be very outgoing, expressive and also diplomatic. there is generally lots of contrary stuff about her, and she often feels ambivalent about things which sometimes makes her really edgy. People tend to like her and ask her for advice on lots of things, though she often feels misunderstood because of her quite an unconventional view on many things and her unusual, individuaistic way of being. She is very energetic by nature, but because she’s been dealing with anaemia, very low blood pressure, just like me, and earlier some unmanaged food allergies, she tends to tire quickly in recent years. She is very communicative. She is very changeable, both when it comes to her emotions and moods, and her decisions, or even views sometimes, she also tends to be rather impatient. She is loyal, caring, and a good listener, but she can also get very chatty. SHe has generally very strong will, but her incredible changeability can make an impression that it’s not true. She likes to think about herself that she’s like people in the renaissance, likes to do anything, but with moderation.

Of course there is much more you could say about my Mum, just like about everyone, but I think that will be it for now.

How about your mums? ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day (20th January).

Hi guys. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything lately, have been doing lots of things with my languages and was just disorganised with it all. Here’s the SUnday question.

What did you always want to try but never found the courage to do?

My answer:

Lots and lots of things. I have different kinds of anxiety which all make it difficult for me to do different things. I know that overcoming ALL of them, and all the limitations they put on me is likely going to take me the entire life. One of the biggest and most courageous steps I’ve made in recent years was going to Sweden. I’ve always wanted it, I’ve always wanted to visit all my countries very very much, but at the same time I dreaded it so, so much. My Dad kept promising me for years that one day we’ll go to Sweden. We could realise it only two years ago, but before then, every year he promised me that, and then when we couldn’t go, on one hand I was very disappointed, but on other, probably equally relieved. Going to Sweden, or any of my countries, would mean facing all of my strongest anxieties. Because of this, it could also turn out disappointing, I definitely wouldn’t like if it was so that I would go to Sweden and then something would go very wrong, I rather preferred not to go there than have forever some very bad associations with this trip, I was also worried that I might be simply disappointed with myself, either with my social skills, or facing other anxieties, or even language skills, or that I could disappoint my family perhaps. Not to mention all the small fears I had, but in overwhelming amounts and relating to very different things. I did enjoy our trip a lot, but it was also exhausting for me, because of all the anxiety I had to face and cope with all the time. It was also rewarding because I saw that I can do some things I thought I can’t. THe frustrating thing though is, although I now have this experience under my belt, and know how it feels, I feel that if I’d go to Sweden, or any other of my favourite countries, for another time, the story would repeat. Despite all that I know already, that I can go through this. Maybe I’m wrong, but I can assume so after last summer when my Dad (I guess he must have gotten used to doing it) told me again that this year we’ll go to Sweden again, and would I like to. I said I would, ’cause I would, but as soon as I heard that, I knew my anxieties, despite I faced them back then, haven’t died and it would still be like for the first time for me.

I talk about this to show you that trying new and different things is pretty much always scary for me, even if they are good things that I in fact want. Same about most major changes in life. It feels very scary.

But Ok the question is about something I have never tried so far. One of such things is playing harp, especially Celtic harp. I have learnt to play some instruments in the past – piano and guitar, – though although I do have an ear for music, I wasn’t particularly good at it. One thing was that I didn’t enjoy it that much, just sort of did it because I felt I should, that I was expected to do it because of my “ear for music”. another was my shitty coordination which made it simply hard for me physically or technically to play well and it was always an effort, especially that as I said I didn’t have much motivation, and another thing was my anxiety and all the related stuff, I think they were also getting in the way. Finally, after some years of learning music I decided it’s not for me, and I just feel much better as a listener than a performer. Because I definitely do. And I started to use my musical skills for languages, which are also music of its own kind, in my opinion. But I’ve been always in love with harp, especially Celtic harp as I said, and loved to listen to it. And I’ve always had that dream about playing harp myself. Just for myself, to have fun. I’ve always been OK with having it just in the sphere of my dreams. Having in mind all my fruitless efforts with piano and guitar, I’m not even sure whether I’d seriously want to devote myself to studying it, after all harp is at least equally if not more difficult than guitar or piano, requiring a lot of dexterity and other things that are hard for me. Also Celtic harp is a niche instrument, quite expensive, the more that I woouldn’t be able to just teach myself how to play it, and would have to have a tutor. As I think about all my and my Mum’s trials to find language tutors for me, of whom the vast majority ran away screaming just after hearing that I’m blind, finding a Celtic harp tutor sounds ridiculous. So, I’d have a lot to dedicate, and I’m just not sure whether I’m really up to it. Whether I really want it seriously enough. I guess not, but if I had a chance and nothing to lose, I’d try, even just once, to feel how it is, as I’ve never even seen a harp, so if not because of anything else, than just out of plain curiosity. For now though, I think in this sphere my dreams give me enough satisfaction. What would I dream about if I could even play harp? Or if I learned that it’s something not for me because of my physical limitations? Dreaming about it probably wouldn’t be as pleasant then. And I love my dreams.

So, how about you? DO you consider doing it in the future or leave it in the sphere of dreams?

Question of the day.

Do you ever talk to yourself?

My answer:

Of course I do! As one of my acquaintances once said: “It’s good to talk to yourself because then you can be sure that you are talking with an intelligent person”. ๐Ÿ˜€ I can only agree, plus it’s just very interesting, you can come to some very interesting conclusions while talking to yourself, and of course improve your language skills. It sometimes happens that I’m alone for the whole day or so, so then I at least talk to myself (or Misha) to make sure that next time I’ll have to talk to someone I’ll still know how to speak and my vocal cords won’t get too rusty. I’ve once read a story years ago about a monk who was an anchor living on the desert, not having contact with people at all, though it seemed more because of pride and haughtiness than being so very devout, anyway after all those years when he finally did meet another human being he as unable to speak because he simply didn’t know any longer how to do it. Don’t know if it’s inded possible, but it sounds likely so I’d rather avoid it myself, communication is already enough of a struggle for me. ๐Ÿ˜€ alking to yourself is also less stressful than talking to other people, and well just fun. What I really really really dislike though and can’t understand, and it just drives me crazy, is the connection people make between talking to yourself and being either mentally ill, or even delayed in intellectual development or something. I just DON’T get it! What does it have in common? I can appreciate that maybe sometimes when you’re delusional you make an impression on healthy people that you talk to yourself, or when for any other reason you don’t have full touch with reality, but lots of people seem to assume that anyone who talks to themselves is mentally ill. I know that nowadays it’s more of a joke for many people, like: “Oh, I’m talking to myself, I must be mental”, but while I’m all for handling things with humour and distance to oneself and the world, I think this can lead to many misunderstandings and it’s a very strange view completely lacking flexibility. I guess lots of people talk to themselves: extroverts – who are always happy to chat and can’t stop even when there’s no one to listen, as well as introverts, who, like me, often even prefer talking to themselves than to others and sometimes might find it helpful to make sense of what’s in their brains. Are they all freaks? On the other hand though, well since I live with mental illness myself maybe there is something true to it but I am just biased. ๐Ÿ˜€ Do you have any thoughts on this issue?

Anyways, I find talking to myself a highly useful and enjoyable activity, particularly when it comes to talking in other languages, since in my surroundings it’s quite hard to find anyone that would be willing to talk in Swedish for example. ๐Ÿ˜€

So how about you? Why do you do it, if you do? ๐Ÿ™‚

Question of the day.

And the actual question for today is…:

ANy drama happening in your life right now?

My answer:

I think we need to clarify what drama is, or at least I have to. ‘Cause I don’t really understand this concept in general I guess. Or do I? For me, drama is a lot of fuss, usually going on in a group of people, which is causing a lot of emotional distress for all interested and people acting impulsively and often like in a drama and sometimes even attention-seeking, but no one actually knows what it’s all about, but despite all that some people like to get into or cause dramas. Or anyway any drama that I have ever been witnessing or somehow involved in was hard to figure out for myself, what do they actually make suh a drama about? It might be that I’m just too socially awkward and stuff, or just not a drama type of person so I don’t get it. Or maybe I do get it right? What drama means for you?

Anyways, back to the drama, or lack thereof, in my life. ๐Ÿ˜€ So as you can guess now I think, no, I don’t think there is much going on in my life that I could call a drama, there are rarely such things, because I simply hate dramas and making fuss of anything, so I don’t involve in dramas usually, and if I ever have to witness such things it’s very disorienting and in a way also cringy. Unless there is a real and important cause for making drama of course, then it’s not cringy, but can also be disorienting, but I wonder if something like this still could be called a drama. THere are some intense things going on in my life, like now that I quitted therapy with my last therapist, and have been talking with Mum about very intense stuff and figuring out a lot about it on my own (I maybe could say that I have an internal drama because of that because it’s really really intense) and then there is my aunt who has been sick and just had surgery a couple days ago, but… yeah, I don’t know if such things could be called dramas, I think not really. Our Zofijka is in the “drama stage” of development, she’s in her early teens and also very extroverted, so I often do hear about her school dramas, which are very, veery weird and cringy, and I guess that’s all I can say on this very confusing topic.

So, how about dramas in your life? How would you define a drama in this context, do you see it the way I do? ๐Ÿ™‚

Let the light in – Lucia morning in Sweden

I’ve always thought that st. Lucia day celebrations in sweden are such a beautiful and interesting tradition, I think we should steal it and have in Poland too! Anyway, I thought I’d reblog this post for you my readers so that those of you who might not know about this holiday could learn a bit about it. We don’t have any particular celebrations of saint Lucia here in Poland as I said, although she is quite well known as a patron saint of the blind. And we do have gingerbreads at many homes at this time of year because Christmas is coming, but we are more restrained than Swedes and no one eats them yet. ๐Ÿ˜€

Watching the Swedes

A Chinese proverb says this,

โ€˜Itโ€™s better to light a candle than to curse the darknessโ€™.

Never was this more true than today. Lucia day. At the darkest time of the year, when we all are drained by the black mornings and afternoons in Sweden, Lucia pays us a visit. With candles in her hair and surrounded by her handmaidens and boys in a procession, Lucia shines light into the dark depths of our spirits. And slowly, slowly, the day awakens.

I love Lucia. Long live Lucia!

Lucia traditions are celebrated in Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Italy, Latvia, Estonia, Finland, Hungary, Malta, Bosnia, Bavaria, Croatia, Slovakia and St. Lucia, West Indies. But where does she come from and why is she one of the few Saintโ€™s days celebrated in Sweden?

Santa Lucia is believed to have been a Sicilian saint who suffered a martyrโ€™s death in Syracuse, Sicily around AD 310โ€ฆ

View original post 338 more words

Question of the day.

Where do you stand on the whole โ€˜letโ€™s kick off Christmasโ€™ business?

My answer:

If I’m totally honest, I actually find it a bit annoying how overrated Christmas is. I do like it, but I just hate how commercialised it is. I might be wrong on that, but I have an impression that we here in Poland are a bit more composed in this field. Of course, media and marketing are pretty universal all around the world, but as for people, I have an impression they’re not as obsessed about Christmas as people in some other countries often seem to be. ‘Cause, from what I see as an outside observer, it looks like as soon as the Halloween boom ends, people are running straight into the Christmas obsession.

Over here, the traditions of All Souls’ Day and All Saints’ Day are pretty much a part of our culture, a rather important one I’d say, so we come into the November in a rather slow, melancholic way, rather than with our mind racing already to December. You can see gravelights in the shops, and the atmosphere, even in the always noisy media, is a bit more tranquil and pensive.

So like the first decade or so is occupied by thinking about our loved ones who died, and then is Independence Day, which is always hugely talked about in the media, but I don’t think it has a really important place in marketing, though this year it was a bit different because it was the 100th anniversary of our Independence so it was all much more festive.

And then, we too, kick off the Christmas season. At least the shops and streets and media do, people are a bit more restrained, or perhaps have slow reaction, but generally it’s not like switching to the Christmas mode straight away, it’s more of a process, so it’s actually the second half of November when things are really running. But still, people DO obsess about Christmas. I guess even my writing this post that early shows it very well, haha, but I saw the question in the Internets, so wanted to know what your opinions are and share mine. ๐Ÿ˜€

And I wonder why on Earth?! Are we all in the so called Christian world so naive and submissive and whatever media will tell us, or shops will set on the display, we’ll swallow it? Or maybe, although so many people declare they are atheists, or agnostics, or Christians, but not practicing (what’s the point in being a not practicing Christian, that’s another thing), maybe we still subconsciously need something to believe in, something to celebrate, something to be happy about, so let’s be happy that Christ was born, no matter whether it makes any difference for us practically or not. But that seems not a very good explanation, especially that in all that mess it’s actually hard to tell, what we are celebrating. It’s Jesus’ birthday, but sadly, although the celebrations are running, the birthday boy Himself doesn’t receive much of attention, I’d risk a statement that some of His “guests” actually might not realise what they are celebrating really, other than it’s just to have fun. Maybe that’s why it gets on my nerves when people write Xmas instead of Christmas. I know, I know, the Greek letter Chi, but still, it looks so weird… In the spelling Christmas, you have Christ, so you know what’s it about, but Xmas looks so enigmatic. Like a mathematical operation, with an X. No one knows what it is… And I hate maths too, and I (usually) try to avoid the abbreviations, so yeah, it really don’t like “Xmas”. It looks like a mass/mainstream holiday about which no one knows anything. Yuck. My Mum once said a funny and interesting thing, if aliens came to us around Christmas time – and I think they don’t have to necessarily be aliens like from another planet, anyone who doesn’t really get the modern world, culture, just lives under the rock, – so if they came and saw all the people so very excited, rushing to the shops, all the decorations and generally the overwhelming waves of stimuli everywhere, what would they think we’re celebrating? Would they be able to guess it? My Mum said that in her opinion they’d think we’re celebrating that the snow has fallen, or, because it doesn’t, we’re making a ceremony to beg heavens for sending it. ๐Ÿ˜€ Quite possible. Well, they don’t have to know what we are celebrating, but usually, when people celebrate something, especially that loudly and festively, they have a good reason for it, they want the reason to be visible, known, they are happy about it. So what are we happy about when celebrating Christmas? I mean there are lots and lots of things to be happy about, but is there something particular for most people that would set Christmas apart from any other holiday? Or maybe, the reason why we love Christmas so much, is that we’re so greedy! For good, festive food, for presents… Actually, for many people, presents seem to be what counts the most, and while it’s obvious that we enjoy receiving nice things, and it’s rather normal for children to focus on it a lot, I’m not sure it’s a good thing for adults to look forward for any holidays mainlyin hopes they will get something, as a primary reason. So I hope that’s not the point of it.

Also, what strikes me, is how when finally Christmas starts, the overwhelming euphoria finally subsides, then when it’s the second day of Christmas, or Boxing Day or st. Stephen’s Day or however else you call it, it’s much much quieter with people solely focused on watching TV and eating the leftovers, or curing from digestive issues, and then when the second day of Christmas is gone, all the turmoil is gone too. Well that’s quite logical, Christmas is over so the euphoria is over too, but (maybe it’s just me?) to me it looks a little bit unnatural. Like you obsess about something, shout about it, and then you suddenly go quiet. Sometimes it feels a bit like we already forgot about Christmas as soon as it’s finished. It shows how true it is that waiting for something nice to happen is often much more enjoyable than this thing itself.

But I have an impression that it should be the other way around! It still is so in a way over here, and I guess generally in Catholic countries Christmas season, the actual Christmas season is still a bit more pronounced despite the pre-Christmas euphoria. ‘Cause it doesn’t make much sense to me that now people want to have Christmas season in Advent or before, and then all the joy is gone after Christmas ends. It is like with a child who can’t wait for his Christmas presents, so he unwraps them weeks earlier, and then after Christmas all the joy is just a dim recollection.

I feel like Advent should be the time of awaiting. Some people say it should be a sad time of uncertainty, I don’t think so. But it definitely shouldn’t be euphoric and shouty. Just waiting patiently and happily, preparing, in peace and quiet, maybe a bit pensively.

And then, when Christmas (or Christmas Eve) comes, or just a couple days before, you can get real Christmassy, get out the decorations and stuff.

And after Christmas, you have your lovely Christmas season until 6th January, or even longer if you wish. I don’t know actually whether it’s a norm in other countries too that Christmas season can last for longer. But for us, it’s as long as until 2nd February. That’s how long you can “officially” sing Christmas carols, and you can still see Christmas trees and other christmasy decorations in like mid January in lots of houses. People are eating up their ginger breads, visiting all those whom they weren’t able to visit on Christmas and giving them presents, etc.

At least to me, that makes much more sense, and that’s how things are in my house. If we have some stuff to do that needs more preparations, or that we don’t want to do in a rush, we will of course do it earlier, not in the last minute, but that’s usually not until the December starts. From what I know, in other countries which celebrate Advent, it can start at different times, but for us it’s roughly last Sunday of November or first Sunday of December.

Our family tradition related to Christmas is that we can’t do without pierogi with cabbage and mushrooms on Christmas Eve’s dinner. I suppose you all know what pierogi are, but if you don’t, I’ll tell you it’s a dish, made of dough, and they can have various stuffings. The Christmas pierogi are usually with cabbage and mushrooms. We all love it except for my Dad, and both me and my siblings find it the best and absolutely necessary element of Christmas Eve dinner, ’cause other than that it’s mainly fish, and neither of us is too keen on fish. Particularly my brother loves these pierogi.

So they have to be prepared earlier, and our poor Mum usually makes a whole lot of them so that there will be enough of them for the whole Christmas season, so no one would whine that they are already gone. They wait in the refridgerator until Christmas Eve.

As for the Christmas decorations, we usually get a Christmas tree and decorate it just a couple of days before Christmas Eve, and sometimes even on Christmas Eve morning. Same with other decorations, which had been mostly made by my Mum, or things that we have since many years and don’t change them. Our Christmas tree rarely stands for a long time, Mum usually wants to get rid of it quickly as she hates the needles on the floor, and Misha is usually very determined to climb up on it, take off the decorations and eat the branches, but we don’t want an artificial one.

Me and Zofijka really like making gingerbreads, but we don’t always do them, but if we do, it’s also usually about a week before Christmas. The rest of food is made later.

Buying presents is a thing that is quite time consuming and sometimes might be a little bit of a hassle, but for us it always seems to go rather smoothly, I buy all of the things I want to give people or myself online about a week before Christmas or so, or I go buy them with Mum when there is another opportunity and we have a bit of a time for it.

And of course Mum does a big cleaning a couple days before Christmas, but, if I’m honest with you, my Mum is a little bit of a stickler and for me it doesn’t seem as that big house cleaning is particularly different or bigger than any other casual cleaning, (but don’t tell her I said this ๐Ÿ˜‰ ).

In the past, our Christmases used to look very festive and familial and loud, and, of course it’s nice to see all your family, have a lot of yummy food and stuff, but it was always quite challenging and anxiety provoking for me, and in a way I didn’t particularly like it. Since a couple of years though, we have our Christmas Eve dinner at home – we always had it with grandparents in the past – and then, after the dinner with just my parents and siblings and Misha, we go for a while to grandparents and generally my Mum’s family, until it’s time for the Midnight Mass. And last year, apart from that, we weren’t celebrating too festively, we spent time mostly together, without extended family, and it was calm and not overly euphoric.A

And that would be all as for my Christmas preparations and stuff, and as you see, they’re neither big, nor particularly early, it’s also that I myself don’t have much to prepare other than buying presents for people, I don’t have my own house so luckily I don’t have to do the big house cleaning, it could be quite disastrous and then indeed it could be a good idea that I should start it straight after Halloween. ๐Ÿ˜€

And I am happy that in our family it’s clear what we are celebrating.

OK, so what’s YOUR view on this? And how early or late do you personally prepare for Christmas? Do you like it? ๐Ÿ™‚

A description of Misha.

Hey people! ๐Ÿ™‚

I thought I would do some a bit more creative writing, I mean apart from my series and other stuff like that, just challenge myself a little bit more, as I hadn’t done anything like this for a while I feel, but didn’t have much of an idea what it could be. So I decided to look at the writing prompt for today at Word Of The Day Challenge, and saw that it is Oblong.

What can you write with this word in mind? What first came to my mind was a short story, with someone who would have oblong face as a main character – I absolutely love describing my characters thoroughly and very imaginatively, from their hair colour to their features to their style – but so far all my short stories are in Polish and somehow I don’t feel ready yet to write any in English, I still read much more in Polish than in English – when it comes to books at least, it’s quite the opposite online ๐Ÿ˜€ – so I feel like I should read much more before I start writing short stories in English.

So I started to think about all the oblong things in my room to find some inspiration, as I was determined to write something inspired by this – quite cool actually – word. There are some oblong things in my room, but I didn’t feel like many of them deserved any particular attention and a separate post in honour of them, other than my gem stones, some of them are oblong, and I could write a post about them, which sounded as a lovely idea.

But I thought that after all we live in a highly visual world, so I’d need at least some pictures (at least of those oblong stones, if not all of my stones ๐Ÿ˜€ ) to accompany my post. And right now I am not able to get anyone to take them for me, so, maybe another time, my collection is really big so you really have to have a lot of free time and good will to engage in taking photos of all of them.

So finally, as you may already suspect from the title, I decided to make Misha the hero of this post. Again. ‘Cause if you know Misha (or any Russian cat I’d suppose), thinking about something oblong you can’t not think about his little face.

You can see Misha in the logo of my blog, but there are also people who are blind/visually impaired who read my blog, so I thought a description of Misha should give them some more idea about him, and also, as I said, I really enjoy describing people, nature, weather, places, whatever! So why not Misha.

I am not sure how accurately and clearly, and how much of Misha you can see from the photo on my blog, anyway, I hope that those of you who can see it, will also enjoy this description.

Here goes:

Misha is an embodiment of gracefulness, refinement, charm, class and proportion. I feel tempted to say he’s also an embodiment of feline perfection, but saying that would probably show how blinded and doting I am. All Russian blues are like this, I mean classy and fairly proportional, but being able to know Sasha, as well as my aunt’s Russian blue cat – Flocky – I can easily say that Misha is far more classy and sophisticated in his looks than they are. Misha has an air of gentleness, fineness and calmness surrounding him. He’s not always that calm, he’s often very shy and anxious, but unless he’s not in very significant distress, he still emanates with that calm charm. Yet he’s not only gentle. There is also lots of strength in him – as much his body and his spirits. – He is small, agile, slim, thin actually, and shapely, and has well-buil muscles, you wouldn’t call him “muscular”, at least that’s not one of the adjectives you would come up as first, still though, you can easily see how strong and well developed his muscles are. You can also feel his bones, he’s really pretty thin. He is of rather calm and passive nature but when he has a good reason, he can run very fast, jump and climb high, is very swift and light. But also there is carefulness in his movement, as if he really had it in mind to not knock anything over or not destroy anything, it very rarely happens that he makes any mischiefs like that. He is also really composed when playing with other beings most times, and often finds it hard to actually relax and play and be carefree. When he does play though and feels well, sometimes he may lose his control and really show all his strength and agility, as well as the sharpness of his teeth.

Misha’s fur is grey, but it has a bit of a blue glow, that’s why Russian blues are called Russian blues. SOmetimes it looks like silver, for example in the sun, and it seems as if it was shining and shimmering. That makes Misha easier to find in the wild world if he happens to escape. His fur is also double-layered, and very thick, although really short at the same time. Its thickness though, makes it feel like a coat a bit, and makes it really warm and comfy. It’s also incredibly soft, silky, and smooth. That softness and smoothness and thickness once let Zofijka to the conclusion that Misha’s fur is “like a whipped cream when you touch it”. ๐Ÿ˜€ You know, in its consistence, sort of.Indeed, I must say that was an incredibly accurate comparison, although rather peculiar, ’cause Misha’s fur truly feels sort of “creamy” when you touch it. Or like a gorgeously soft and fluffy teddybear. We have lots of comparisons for Misha’s fur with Zofijka, as well as all his body parts and other stuff regarding him, we also have a whole lot of nicknames for him, but that’s another thing.

Misha’s head is small and round, and very proportional. It’s a pure pleasure to look at it. It’s just such a little, cute Mishball, soft and fluffy and delicate.

Yet his ears are big. ANd that was a surprise for us, I mean we wouldn’t suppose them to be that big. They’re not like extreme, they’re normal for a Russian blue, but we didn’t know that Russian blues have naturally rather big ears. Sometimes when I have any contact with cats of other breeds or mixed, it feels so shocking to feel how small their ears are in comparison to Misha’s haha. He’s ears are pointed, and very sensitive for touch, his hearing is also very sensitive, though I think it’s true for all cats in a way. He hates loud, particularly sudden noises. But it’s true for his whole little body that it is very sensitive for touch, I guess it’s some sort of nervous reaction, that sometimes he absolutely refuses to be touched, or will immediately lick or scratch himself whenever you touch him in that same place.

Misha’s nose is small and pinkish, another very proportional, little Mishball. ๐Ÿ˜€ Zofijka loves it. She likes to play with him as sometimes people play with babies or toddlers – puts her finger on his nose, presses it lightly and says “beeep!”. Wonder if it doesn’t piss him off sometimes, we all treat him like a child, but I guess he’s not that childish hahaha. At the same time though I can understand Zofijka ’cause his nose is really cute.

Misha’s eyes are bright green. Like very very green! People always love them, they are so mesmerising, their look is piercing, some people say that it can actually be unpleasant, or embarrassing in a way. But you can also see lots of intelligence in them, after all Russian blues are really fairly intelligent cats and I came across lots of people visiting us and commenting: “Wow, that cat of yours looks really quite brainy, didn’t you think about training him?” or things like that. And if you’re curious too, no, we didn’t think about training him, not seriously anyway, he seems too nervous and squeamish, and way too individualistic to just be trained and listen to our orders, even if he understands them. And we don’t have him to show him off, at least not in the first place, my Mum actually likes showing off with him sometimes haha, and I do too.

Misha’s whole face, as I said earlier, is oblong, but not too oblong, it’s really proportional. My aunt’s cat has actually much more oblong face and it makes him look a bit unfriendly. Misha’s face is just right. And he likes being stroked under his chin, among other places.

As I already mentioned, he’s very shapely and thin. If you move your hand down his spine you can feel all the bones and vertebrae and all. He has a really nice and soft belly, it’s almost always warm and we like to lightly lie on it, me and Zofijka, and listen to all his gurgles and his heartbeat and occasional purrs – as I told you many times before his purrs aren’t really loud and not as common as in most other cats, and his purrs seem to rather be self-assuring than signalising comfort and happiness. He has a little crease a bit below his belly which apparently is a common thing in sterilised male cats, and my Dad is always laughing at him how it’s moving when he is running or something.

His paws are small and oval, they’re really pretty small and cute and rather thin, but strong, they are lavender,so apparently just as they should be in Russian blues. And their insides are very smooth. Have you ever looked closely or touched a cat’s paws with some attention? Outdoor cats always have rather harsh and rough paws, while Misha’s paws are like a little baby’s. It never stops to amaze me, and I really like to touch them and hold them. And they’re so very proportional and elegant as well.

And Misha’s legs are really quite long, despite those small paws. That’s why he runs so fast I guess. Actually, you could generally describe him as “long”. When Misha lies straight, you can really see how long and slim he is, just an oblong shape with head and tail. I like to look at him lying like that, lying on his back, stretched for all his length.

Oh, and Misha’s tail, I nearly forgot about it. It’s also very soft, and nice to touch, and it’s relatively long. And it has stripes, but almost unnoticeable. THey were more visible apparently when he was younger. Sasha also has striped tail, and it’s apparently visible in most Russian blue kittens, and then is less noticeable.

So, that would be my description of Misha, and I hope you enjoyed it and that it gave you some more idea of what he’s like. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

If We Were HavingCoffee… #WeekendCoffeeShare.

Welcome to Weekend Coffee Share!

We hadn’t have one in months, so I think it’s definitely time to do it!

Let’s have a cuppa and talk a bit about our week, and whatever else we might want to talk about. There is black coffee, as always, and lots of teas, my favourite raspberry tea with ginger, chamomile tea, and some others, and a couple green teas as well, so feel free to get whatever you prefer. Oh, and recently I even bought myself some ginger, I love my tea with ginger, especially at this time of year, though my Mum has been stealing a lot of it, so there’s not much left. My Mum has asthma episode again, she usually has them in late autumn/early winter, she has episodic asthma so it tends to like come once a year, be very annoying and then go away for the rest of the year, I have the same thing, but for me it’s milder and so does Olek, and smoking doesn’t help him, so we all need ginger, so I let my Mum get it when she wants hahaha. What has ginger to do with asthma? Well apparently ginger is one of those foods that reduce mucus in your body and help you get rid of it, and when you have asthma you have a tendency to produce too much mucus, or something like this. ๐Ÿ˜€ I think it makes a perfect sense though.

Besides, we had duck meat for lunch and there still is some, and I am happy to share my mint chocolates with you – that’s a funny story with them, my Dad thought it was my nameday on Friday, and it used to be before I legally changed my name a couple of years ago, now I have my nameday in June, anyway he forgot about it and I woke up to him wishing me all the best and giving me these chocolates and I didn’t know what’s up, is he joking or what? ๐Ÿ˜€ That was funny. Eventually I didn’t correct him, I felt like it would be a bit awkward or even jerky to just tell him it’s not my nameday today, after so much effort from him. ๐Ÿ˜€

Oh and Mum just came back with groceries and she has bought some biscuits,juices and other stuff like that.

OK, so I hope you all have something to munch and sip on, and let’s start our coffee share. ๐Ÿ™‚

If we were having coffee I’d ask all of you how you are doing and whether there was anything particular that was on your mind lately…?

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’ve had a pretty uneventful week overall this time, though a little hard particularly at the beginning.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I am a bit frustrated with myself this week. I tried to work on some Vreeswijk translations, as it was his death anniversary on Monday, and although I worked on two of his songs and one poem, I wasn’t able to finish any of them. I hate that I always get stuck somewhere and just can’t wriggle out of it, and have so many pieces of translated poems and songs by him that I started but can’t finish. The poem has only one verse to be translated so maybe I’ll be able to come up with something until Christmas, I’d love to. Also that day made me think a lot about my friend Jacek from Helsinki…

If we were having coffee,I’d also tell you the beginning of this week was rather rough for me, I was having a whole lot of very yucky anxiety, I think mainly as an aftermath of the damn sleep paralysis which always makes me feel as if I was haunted by a flock of zombies for a few days afterwards, and to make things even more interesting, I ran out of my anti-anxiety meds, the last one finished last week, and monday was a holiday, so I couldn’t get them right away, assuming I could get them right away in other circumstances. I still don’t have them, because Mum wasn’t able to pick the prescriptionn and get them for me, but it’s much better now anyway.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I had a pretty nasty migraine on Wednesday, I couldn’t get rid of it for the entire day. I am a bit fed up with headaches, as I had another, milder one, last sunday. It seems to be over for now though.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that today our cousin is with us, she’s here since Friday actually, and plays with Zofijka. There is always so much chaos when there are any kids coming to her but at the same time I am always happy when it happens because as I am sure you already know well, Zofijka is a very absorbing child and likes the world to turn around her, and I’m glad there is now someone who wants to play with her so the rest of us can have a break and not think about her all the time.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I didn’t have therapy for two weeks now, and I am quite anxious about going tomorrow. I really like my therapist as a person, and how very empathetic and outgoing she is, but since some time I am wondering a little whether indeed this time I found a good match for myself. ‘Cause although she’s so very empathetic and warm and all, I often have an impression as if she just doesn’t understand me on a deeper level. Maybe it is just my impression, maybe it’s my brain reacting to some healing process that is going on and that I can’t see yet, or maybe it’s anxiety, but it’s still niggling somewhere at the back of my mind. Again. ‘Cause, as you may remember, I’ve already switched therapists this year. I’ve been for years with my therapist Monika, in an a bit irregular contact, but in a very safe relationship, but she decided that she shouldn’t work with me any longer because of how much work she has and she felt she can’t be as dedicated as she should be to me, and because at that time I was diagnosed with AVPD and she felt like someone having more experience with personality disorders could help me better, so I met my next therapist, the one who had some experience with personality disorders, via her. But I didn’t feel like I am making any progress with that new therapist at all, she was a nice person but, that was pretty much all, I didn’t feel like we had anything in common and didn’t feel attached to her whatsoever. after a couple of months I thought maybe I should find a therapist working in a different way, so now I am working with a psychodynamic therapist since August. And while I like her way of looking atdifferent things, it seems to be pretty similar this time too.

And I wonder whether there’s something wrong with me or my perception of other people or whatever else, or maybe indeed I should try more and look for someone else, or just give us more time. Maybe I still compare her to my first therapist to whom I was very attached and really getting along. I just don’t think as if very much has changed since I last saw my first t. That’s rather frustrating and I wonder whether I should talk about it to her, I mean my current therapist. Maybe it’s not therapy that I should look for but rather focus on some other ways of recovering from/coping with my mental illnesses? My Mum suggested me that maybe I could call Monika, my first therapist, and tell her about it, and ask her if she could help in any way, but I am not sure whether it would be actually OK. Dunno really, just feel quite confused thinking about all that.

And, what actually annoys/frustrates me the most, is how often different professionals, be them doctors or therapists, assume that my main problem is my blindness. Sure, it does change the way I see some things greatly (obviously ๐Ÿ˜), it does impact my functioning together with other issues I have, and it has been having a great impact on how my life looks like and on my experiences, but it’s not such a big deal really. My therapist persistently denies that it has any significance for her and says it doesn’t matter for her at all, whenever I ask her about this, but still asks me questions like: “When did you accept that you’re blind?”, in such a sad, incredibly sympathetic and emotional tone as if she was sorry for me that I had to accept it. While there was nothing I had to accept, it was just always this way so why should I care about it? As if she asked me “When did you accept the fact that you have blue eyes?”. Well maybe there is something wrong with me or I don’t understand something but to me it looks really weird and is just annoying.

Or her opinion is that my feelings of inadequacy and being weird, different, quirky, bla bla bla you name it, stem mainly from my blindness… Hell NO! Honestly, what’s blindness gotta do with this? I mean yeah, it doesn’t make things easier, but… no, it’s not like that… Though maybe she knows it better and it’s something I’m unaware of?… God knows…

but where I’m going to is the situation that was what started to make me feel confused. It was about two months ago.

I had that very very awful anxiety like all the time, won’t go into details here but it was shit, I didn’t have therapy for two weeks, like now. I was really looking forward to my session finally and really wanted to tell her about the anxiety, work it through somehow. It is the kind of anxiety that is very hard for me, hard for me to even talk about in detail to anyone, I’ve never talked to anyone about it more than just very superficially, never even written much about it, because even just going through this scares loads of shit out of me for some reason and it’s also all very hard to describe so I am also afraid of invalidation I guess.

But the night before my therapy, when I was going crazy with that overwhelming anxiety and wasn’t able to do much about it, I finally decided that yes, this time I am going to try and open up to her, whatever it takes, I want to be finally free from it. It was a very hard decision for me and I was scared, but I prepared for it emotionally and was ready for the shit to come out and hoping I’ll be able to indeed trust her enough to tell it to her when I see her.

So yes, I saw her, and I told her I had so much anxiety and she asked me what it’s about, so I was telling her about it, and didn’t even actually reach any point in it, because she just interrupted me and said that yeah, she understands it, this anxiety surely represents the fact that I am blind and have to depend on other people..

I was like “emm, what’s the point?”. I know that different things we fear, or dream about, or such, represent different situations in our life, or our relationships, or something, in psychodynamic therapy, a bit like in psychoanalysis, but I dont’ know what could this kind of anxiety have to do with depending or not depending on other people. She kept explaining to me that it makes me feel unsafe, depending on other people, that is, and therefore I may have different kinds of anxiety.

It could be true in some part, but not in regard to this particular anxiety, I think.

I felt like, again, she’s putting my blindness in the central place while there are so many other things that are much more important, much more of a deal. But above all, I felt like my fear has just become true and no one can relate to this kind of anxiety I experience and that she has just invalidated me, not on purpose for sure, but still. She didn’t even listen to me, I only managed to tell her a little about how I suppose it began, and she already assumed she knows everything.

It wouldn’t be such a big deal to me because everyone gets more or less invalidated sometimes and it’s impossible for people to be always able to relate to you, you don’t only have to do with very supportive and understanding people. But it was such a huge issue to me to even just tell someone anything about it, some more details. I was preparing for it for the whole night before and was literally shaking and sweating and all, it was an incredibly hard thing for me to do, and hard decision to tell her about it and work through it. And after that I feel my fear of talking about it is even stronger, and that’s when my doubts started, regarding whether I should stay with this therapist, or actually have any therapy.

So yeah, I am afraid of tomorrow’s session, ’cause I know I’ll probably have to talk to her about it, how she sees it, and I’ll be very curious to learn what else is my blindness causing to go wrong in my life. ๐Ÿ˜€ I can’t not be cynnical here sorry.

And if we were having coffee, I’d tell you I didn’t have horse riding for two weeks either. Last week I was sick with some ovary infection or whatever it was and this week my instructor had a surgery, not a serious one apparently, but still a surgery, so she needs to recover. I hope though that next week I’ll be able to go, I really miss my horses lots and lots.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee? ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Music Monday Care & Love – Frida Sundemo – Gold.

After a week break I’m back to Music Monday Care & Love at Bee’s.

Actually, I participated last week too, but was too unsettled and chaotic to make a post and sum things up.

If you follow Bee’s blog, or have read my previous Music Monday Care & Love post, you know that right now Bee is using Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way” as a resource for self care exercises, and now we’re in week 2 of it.

There have been a lot of tasks to do in both chapters in the book that we’ve gone through so far, but I think I’ve acomplished most of them, those that I could do at the time and that seemed most relevant to me at the moment at least.

I’ve been doing most of these tasks in my journal, as I put a lot of things in there, much more than just how was my day and such, and I think it will be a great sort of documentation of my self care and artistic recovery.

Similarly to Bee, and a bit surprisingly to me, I found the whole process more personal than I thought it’d be, so I won’t share things very in depth.

Anyway, I’ve discovered some quite surprising things about myself, my way of thinking, being, my beliefs… That was quite hard, the more that I am having generally a bit of a hard time lately with all the memories that have come back rushing to me together with my friend emerging from the past, and other things, but I also found it interesting.

What particularly resonated with me were affirmations and negative beliefs, about which Bee wrote last week HERE.

That was all quite powerful and gave me a lot of stuff to think about.

I had some trouble listing my “hall of horrors”, so the three people who have said something negative about my art. I realised that in my case it is more circumstances and events than just particular people, but I did manage to write a horror story basing on those circumstances and events anyway. Listing my champions of creativity was much easier.

Writing a thank you letter to myself was another hard thing, I don’t think it’s particularly good, but I still did it.

I just loved the idea of imaginatively lives.

And I did go for a walk too, last week, with my Mum.

As for journaling, or as Julia Cameron refers to it “morning pages” I am usually pretty consistent with it, which helps me a lot. I may not write on all days, but I always catch up on everything and generally write quite a lot when I write. Last week I journalled 5 days out of 7.

I had my artist’s date last week – which as you may remember for me is horse riding – and enjoyed it thoroughly. This week, unfortunately, it wasn’t possible, as my instructor was too busy.

I still have the list of 20 things I enjoy doing to make, and I look forward to doing it as maybe then I’ll come up with some new ideas for artist’s dates for weeks like this when I don’t have my horse riding.

ONe of my imaginatively lives is to be a writer, and, indeed, I’ve been writing almost all the time this week – apart from journaling, blogging etc. I decided to write some more of one of my books, that I’d stopped working on for a while, I don’t have any particular ambitions with it but I feel that writing it has always helped me to distract and feel better. This book is called “Jack Hamilton” and it’s about… well it’s about Jack Hamilton, Jack Hamilton is my imaginary friend, and I write about his life successively since many years and just can’t quit. I leave Jack alone for months, but can never quit writing about him. So that made my week in a way.

Actually, as I think about it now, I could make it another idea for my artist’s date hahaha.

Another task in 2nd chapter of “The Artist’s Way” is to write a list of 10 small changes we would like to make in our lives and pick two to and do them. So, one of my changes is “I would like to be more consistent with my creative writing”. And what I decided to do with it is – I will try to write at least three pages of one of three books I started per week. This week, it was time for Jack Hamilton, next it might be my viking book, and then, I don’t know yet whether my potential harlequin, or whether I’d rather want to focus o translating Vreeswijk, I’m rather leaning towards the latter as that seems more interesting, but also way more hard. And then again, Jack Hamilton, vikings, Vreeswijk/harlequin, every three weeks. I have a week for writing just 3 pages, and a week is actually a lot of time, so I’ll probably end up writing more if I’m not in a crisis or something haha. I’ve written 5 pages of Jack this week. I’m not going to stress myself out with it, just to be a bit more consistent and organised and really notice any progress with my writing.

My another change has to do with my thinking patterns, namely I’m trying to think less critically about myself, though, that seems to be much harder, and acually not such a small change as it may seem at first.

So that would be a little idea for you as for my self care and artistic recovery, now let’s get to the music.

As we’re going through “The Artist’s Way”, Bee suggests to make a playlist of songs that are encouraging for uus. I have two private playlists so far that are encouraging or helpful for me. One is entirely instrumental, with some relaxing music of different kinds, not always objectively relaxing like for meditation, but also folk or classical or electronic or chillout or soundtrack, it’s all just calm and instrumental. Another one is with all the music of my crushes. My all musical crushes are sort of antidotes for pain for me, and so is their music. It is actually quite amazing how it can lift me up at times or at least distract. I wouldn’t like to be boring and monothematic though, because I’ve shared two of my crushes’ music in last two Music MOnday posts.

But there’s also plenty of other kinds of music and songs that I find more or less encouraging. I decided that today’s song will be something that’s rather new to me. I like interesting new discoveries, the mere idea of interesting new music discoveries is always very encouraging and making such discoveries is a part of my weekly self care routine ๐Ÿ˜€ so I decided to go through my new discoveries of the last few months or even weeks and pick something.

And I found something that feels perfect in a way. It is “Gold” by a Swedish synth pop musician Frida Sundemo.

Just the sounds of this song are so light and delicate and a bit magical and make you feel relaxed and your mindset more cheerful. And I love the lyrics. They’re soothing, but encouraging. There is an ocean. Ocean can be gentle. Comforting. Beautiful. Ocean is smooth and its waves can rock you to sleep. You can swim peacefully in it. But ocean is also big, for me it feels like a challenge. So it’s not just soothing. It’s gently motivating too. And that’s what encouragement is all about in my opinion.

My ideal home.

What would my ideal home look like?

I really like our current house, and I think I’d like to have a lot of things the same way as here.

I’d like my ideal home to be in Wales – it could be in any of my favourite countries but I think as for living long term, I’d choose the UK, and most willingly Wales, particularly north Wales, especially if it could be somewhere in Gwynedd, perhaps in the countryside. I’d like it to be rather bigger than smaller, but not very huge, definitely not bigger than my current house, and this one is rather big. I’d like it to have the “feel”, you know, that you just want to be there, I’d like it to be atmospheric. My Mum is the best interior designer I know so I’d ask her to arrange it for me. It would be a vintage house, with a mix of old, kind of retro things, and new ones. I’d like it to feel cosy. I think I’d make my room in some calmer colours, it could be green as my current bedroom. I wouldn’t have ANYTHING red in my house, but kitchen and living room would be in more warm colours, just to make it more comfortable and homely. I would like my house to be as natural as possible – stone, brick and wood, no artificial stuff or as little as possible. And I think a more natural house would fit the place much better. I’d like it to have a big terrace on which I could go from my room, and from the terrace you could go into the garden, as we can here. Yes, I’d like to have a big garden. If my family would move with me, my Dad wouldn’t be able to exist without a garden, as gardening is his newly discovered passion. That’s all I can say at the moment, but I am sure that if I was building my ideal home, I’d have much more detailed picture of it.

 

Music Monday Care & Love – Enya – Paint The Sky With Stars.

Hi guys. ๐Ÿ™‚

So today again I’m participating in Bee’s Music Monday Care & Love.ย 

Since this week, Bee is following Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way” as a prompt for Music Monday Care & Love. In this book Julia Cameron writes about creativity, how many of us don’t use their creative potential and don’t have enough space for creativity in their lives, as there are so many important things we have to do in life and not everyone finds the time to be creative. It seems like her idea of creativity or being an artist is pretty similar to mine – I talked about it in the past in one of my question of the day posts where I asked you whether you consider yourselves artistic. I think that art is generally quite a narrow idea – the way that many people look at it – so that it only includes those generally accepted so to say creative arts, or even just visual arts. For me though, art is something aesthetic, beautiful. Creative or artistic people are those who are sensitive to beauty, and in general. They don’t have to do any of the common creative arts, they can do anything – but in their own way, with a lot of enthusiasm, and wholeheartedly, withh a lot of dedication. That’s an artist to me.

And I also agree with what THE Bee said, that being creative, doing creative things, can be a way of self care, a very good and helpful one in my opinion.

Because it helps us to find some point in our life, because being creative we can do what we love, and because via our creative activities we can let out emotions, so it’s generally therapeutic. And it simply gives us something to do and focus on.

I like Julia Cameron’s ideas of “morning PAGES” and “artist’s date” – I send you to Bee’s blog if you’d like to read more about those things.

I always liked journaling and writing and it was always greatly helpful to me in understanding, figuring and letting out my emotions, which, particularly that last thing, can be often very tricky for me, therefore Julia cameron’s idea of writing 3 pages as first thing every morning and letting out spontaneously what’s on your mind without any editing kind of spoke to me. I can’t do it this way, because morning is usually part of the day when there’s the most hassle around and I have the most to do, and it was always hard for me to establish some consistent, more sophisticated morning routine, plus sometimes with my messed up sleep cycle it is hard to figure out when morning actually is, as I can wake up pracctically any time. ๐Ÿ˜€ And of course handwriting isn’t doable as I’m blind.

Still though, I do journal every day, or even if not, I always catch up on my journal if I miss a day or two, and my diary is incredibly important for me. And who knows, maybe if I counted it, many of my entries would turn out to be 3 pages long or even longer. ๐Ÿ˜€

And I love the conception of artist date, to do something you’ve never allowed yourself doing, but always wanted to, and that sounds fun. Something that will awake your creativity and allow your inner creative child to play.

At first, I had some difficulty though to choose something that I could do as an artist’s date. There are many things that are really fun and that I love and that I’ve always dreamed about doing, but they’re not always manageable to do just whenever you want.

And then I thought – but hey, there are so many creative and fun things you already do, about which you dreamed for so long and finally you can do them!

And that’s true. There are so many things. If you told me like four years ago, or earlier, that I’ll be doing them, I’d probably just laugh in your face and think you’re foolish and unhealthily optimistic or something. But now I do them.

I can learn my languages. I can horse ride. I can write how much I want and no one can tell me I can’t. Moreover, as for my languages, I’m learning those that I’d almost accepted that are out of my reach because of accessibility – or lack of it – like Welsh!

SO I decided I won’t be trying to come up with something new, at least not this week. I’ll rather try to appreciate those things thaT I can do, and that are creative, even more, and have fun doing them, so that they would be even more pleasurable and not just a part of my routine.

So both yesterday and today, I was doing my Welsh, and was having A LOT of fun with it – with learning new words, with all my small successes and all – and I hope I’m gonna do some of it every day.

And a special thing this week – which I’m gonna treat as my artist’s date – will be tomorrow, because tomorrow at 10 AM I’m going horse riding. I just hope I’m gonna feel good afterwards, and not as crappy as last week hahaha. Then all will be great!

So that’s my self care plan for this week.

The milkshake about which I was writing in last week MusIC Monday post, didn’t work out, but I still have tons of kefir in the house to comfort myself with. ๐Ÿ˜€ I think overall, on a daily basis, kefir is much better than milk shakes hahaha.

OK, so as for the music, Bee suggests us to choose some music from the year we were born.

I was born in 1997. Most of my music is either on my Spotify, or on my SD cards, and if I’m honest – apart from my music crushes – I’m not always oriented from which album which song comes and when it was released (as numbers have little to no value for me), so I wondered for quite a while as for what to choose. Enya has released a compillation in 1997, but it’s just a compillation, so… I wasn’t really sure. I filtered my whole Spotify library to find all the stuff in it that has been released in 1997, meanwhile making lots of interesting discoveries as I didn’t know that many songs that I listened to and loved and had in my Spotify library were released in the same year when I was born, but I still hesitated, and then I realised that this Enya’s compilation that I mentioned, it has two tracks that haven’t been released before. One is “Only If”, and another is just as the compillation’s title “Paint The Sky With Stars”.

I think many many people may know “Only If”, as this song has been quite popular, and if I’m honest, although Enya is my music crush and I like almost everything from her, in my opinion “Only If” isn’t as haunting and beautiful as most of her pieces, though it’s still beautiful and very positive overall.

So I thought “Paint The Sky With Stars” would be a perfect choice. This is such a beautiful song, isn’t it?And again, like last week, I’m sharing with you something from one of my music crushes. As some of you may remember, Enya is my very first one.