A quick update.

I didn’t write anything about my life for quite a while, recently I feel like I’m behind everything, so decided to do it quickly today as I have a bit of free time on my hands.

So I’m back in the routine since last week, my winter break has finished and all goes relatively well. Besides being busy with school, my languages, family life and other stuff, last week I also went to the OM doctor. I think I didn’t mention yet that I am working since about two years in my Dad’s company as an office worker. My Dad is a tank driver and delivers fuel. I don’t do much and it’s surely nothing like the job of my dreams, but I can earn some money which I can save for the future or spend for some things just for myself which I really appreciate and I think I’m lucky I’m in such situation. I suppose lots of disabled people would love to have such a start in life, no matter what they’d do next. So obviously I need to go to the OM doc every year, I had my bloods taken and other things like that and then I talked to him. At some point he wanted to measure my blood pressure, he took my arm and was very astonished why my skin is so dry. Actually, I was astonished too, because I never really thought it was dry. I do have hypothyroidism, but I always thought that, especially as for a person with hypothyroidism, my skin is definitely OK. So I told him I have thyroid issues and maybe it’s about that, but he said he doesn’t think so. My Mum, who was in there with me, was astonished too. He asked her if it feels like her skin is dry. She said that no, absolutely not. We both were actually convinced our skin is very smooth. But he asked her to show him her arm and he said that it is dry. So that amazed us even more, like I didn’t know whether to actually believe him. And he said he’s a dermatologist, besides being an OM doc and we could make an appt with him as a dermatologist if we wanted to. So then I told him that although I’ve never thought about myself as having any bigger skin issues, recently I have often pretty disturbed sleep because of being very itchy at night and Mum said the same is with her, which I already knew about. So he told us there is apparently a genetic condition and when you have it, your skin tends to be dry and the problem increases in winter when you have the heating on or if you stay in air conditioned rooms for long periods of time. I surely am not in air conditioned rooms often, but obviously we do have heating on now when it’s winter and that itchiness occured in me very recently. He also said you can have skin infections frequently, can feel more itchy while having shower or when you’re stressed and that’s exactly what me and Mum experience from some time. So we decided we’ll book an appointment with him. I’ll have it tomorrow. I’m interested what he’ll tell me and what’s this condition, I’ve never heard of it. Sometime ago I wrote about the infection I’m having on my leg and maybe that’s why it’s occurring. So I will show it to him and maybe he’ll have any idea what to do with it, as I definitely don’t want to have it again and want to heal it as quickly as possible, I want to be able to horse ride again, but it’s too painful right now so I wouldn’t have any pleasure of it. So that’s it about my appointment.

As for other things, I finally got accepted to write my final exams in the school for the blind and not the school I’m attending to. My school is a mainstream school and it would be hard for them to technically adapt the exams for me and I would feel challenged and both me and my Mum think like I’d have quite a lot of additional stress while I’ll be already stressed out just with exams, so I’m glad I don’t have to worry about technical stuff now.

The only thing I am worrying about in this case (besides passing the exams of course) is that there is a boarding school as well. While having exams, me and my Mum will most likely have to stay there. It’s not the boarding school I was in, it’s a completely different school and I will stay there with Mum and Zofijka, but I feel kind of stressed about that. I feel like it can be a bit triggering. And I feel weird admitting that actually. I know it’s another school, other circumstances, but seems like my brain doesn’t know that. And that makes me wonder whether if simply staying in the surroundings resembling my school, where I didn’t feel well emotionally, makes me so anxious, even if the circumstances will be completely different, whether it means I have some more trauma around that or what… It makes me feel really weird, it was a really hard time for me, being there, lots of hard stuff, but I wasn’t abused there, well there was a time when I experienced emotional abuse from the staff, but my Mum realised what’s going on and it stopped reoccuring. But other than that, nothing really dramatic happened, no one did any harm to me at least not consciously. So I would really like to know what it’s all about. And, actually, that isn’t the first time and situation in which I’m wondering about it. Am I more traumatised than I think, or just so horrribly emotionally weak? I don’t know if it makes sense for you, I’m not even sure if it makes sense for me so… well it’s just so strange. πŸ˜€ But there’s still some time until May, so hopefully I’ll be able to pick myself together a bit until then. I didn’t talk abaout it with my Mum, but I talked briefly with my Dad. Not about my emotions around that, but just asked him if he would be able and if he would like to go there with us. Because if he could, it would be easier to move around and I know that my Mum would prefer it too, then we could stay somewhere else outside the school. But his work hours are very unpredictable so he didn’t tell me anything in particular and I know he would be bored to death there even if he wouldn’t have to work, so my question was actually rather theoretic.

And the last thing I would like to mention about is that last week I got a wonderful gift from my Maths tutor. She is a typhlopedagogist and surdopedagogist and because I am learning on my own outside of school, just at home, but having trouble with Maths, I have lessons with her two days a week and she explains stuff for me. She is also helping Zofijka with her Maths, although Zofijka goes to school regularly and doesn’t have any special needs, but has issues with Maths and it’s just easier to pay for one tutor than for two. And Zofijka is absolutely fascinated by her. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you is, last week on Tuesday, when she came to us she had three large boxes of gem stones for me! I was so excited and I really appreciated the fact she remembered that I collect gem stones. After all she’s only my tutor, but she’s really involved and helpful. Some time ago we chatted after the lesson and she saw my huge collection and I told her a bit about it and showed her many of my stones and she mentioned her brother was collecting gem stones and other minerals when he was younger and now no one cares about them so she brought them to me. And there are a few pretty rare minerals, some which I looked for and couldn’t find anywhere, so, yeah, I was extatic. πŸ˜€

Today I’m having a really peaceful day finally which I really appreciate. I spent a lot of time with my Mum. Zofijka has sinus infection so she’s still at home and we played a lot. And although I had lots of weird and sometimes scary dreams recently, I feel really well today.

How is it going for you guys? πŸ™‚

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Question of the day.

What quote or saying do people spout but is complete BS?

In my opinion, such saying, or maybe proverb, or whatever it is, is that there are no irreplaceable people. I don’t actually know if there’s something like this or any equivalent of this in English, but we use it in Polish. And that’s simply not true, I think. Because in my opinion everyone is different, so everyone is irreplaceable. I can’t think of a person who would replace my Mum for me and for my whole family. Misha is not a human, but seems like pets are irreplaceable either, because I don’t think any cat could replace Misha for me. Sure, I could have another cat or whichever pet if I wanted after him, but it wouldn’t replace him. It wouldn’t be like him. I could accept that my Mum passed away or that Misha passed away, I could find other beings to love and care about and who will love and care about me, but I’d still feel lack of that one who passed away. What do you think? And what saying or quote would you choose? πŸ™‚

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What’s your favourite?

Thanks for hosting to Eve over at Revenge Of Eve

. This week she asks us about favourite fairytales.

It was a pretty hard choice because although I’m not a child anymore I read fairytales pretty often and I love them. I read fairytales from all around the world and I suppose I could pick my favourite fairytale from every or almost every culture. I think I have it after my Mum who also loves lots of fairytales and she read many of them to me.

As a little girl, I loved Little Red Riding Hood. I don’t really remember why I loved her so much. I just could listen to it over and over and over again. So now I am not as big fan of it as I was back then because it’s not so interesting for me now since I’ve listened to it so much in my early childhood. Which doesn’t mean I don’t like this fairytale at all.

So as my all time favourite I think I would pick a fairytale by Hans Christian Andersen, but since I always read it in Polish, I’m not sure its English title, its Danish title is “Ole LukΓΈje” and it was based on the myth about the Sandman, a creature who was believed to give dreams to children. I’ve loved this fairytale my whole life and was always kind of inspired by sandman in general.

Question of the day.

Today my question for you is:

What’s your biggest screw up in the kitchen?

My Answer:

I am not very experienced in cooking, in fact, I’ve never prepared any meals completely on my own. I had some cooking lessons at the boarding school or we were doing some food for ourselves with other students, sometimes I help my Mum with most basic things, but generally I was never good at cooking, maybe because my fine skills are a mess, and I often felt kinda discouraged because I never succeeded in it and felt like it’s something impossible for me to learn. But although sometime ago it was a bit frustrating for me, now I don’t care that much about it, I don’t need to cook for myself, I live with my family, and there still are caterings, restaurants etc, lots of able-bodied people can’t cook as well.

So that being said, I suppose almost every activity I would try to undertake in the kitchen without assistance, would likely end with a massive screw up. The one I can recall at the moment was when I wanted to help my Mum to cut the carrot for the salad and almost ended up cutting my finger out, luckily it didn’t happen, but I hurt it pretty bad and there was a whole lot of blood allover afterwards and my right hand was non functional for quite a while. πŸ˜€

How about your screw ups? πŸ™‚

Share your world, February 19, 2018.

How do you like your eggs?
I am not a massive eggs fan, but if I eat them, they are usually either soft-boiled or hard-boiled. I really don’t like fried or scrambled.

Have you ever met anyone famous?
I think it depends on what you mean by famous. Famous people may be famous in some environments, whereas not heard about at all in others, the same about different countries. I’ve met some people that apparently were famous, but I’ve had no idea about their existence before I met them. But putting it very generally I think I know a few famous people. The most important from these from me is a Polish writer MaΕ‚gorzata Musierowicz. She writes books for children and young people, but especially those addressed for youth, are willingly read by all the generations, especially by women, but also not only, and they are very much appreciated. She writes about a multi-generational family, their life, their friends… It may seem pretty prosaic, but these books are full of interesting thoughts, intelligent humour, warmth and yummy food they eat.

I was at the quite difficult time in my life, I left the boarding school for the blind where I didn’t feel good emotionally and went to the integration school for two years, but it didn’t seem to be good practically for me, so I had no choice but come back to the boarding school. And it was a very hard decision. My Mum knew about it so she said she will make my dream come true if I will do it. So I did. And my biggest dream at that time was to meet Musierowicz. So my Mum told one of the staff about our agreement, no one else knew about it, and they organised a contest for the whole school about Musierowicz’s books and their characters. As at that time I even knew some parts of her books by heart (:D so obsessed I was) I was one of the finalists and so we met her. I had a great time with her and I saw she’s really an amazing person. We even hugged each other and I could see her house and the garden and she read the book for us.

I also met the wife of one of the former presidents of Poland as she came to our school, I was very small back then though so I don’t remember that very well, but I sang for her. Our school was often visited by different apparently famous people so I saw lots of them, but didn’t realy care about it.

What was the first thing you bought with your own money?
My Russian blue cat, Misha, was bought partly for my money. I don’t want to talk on his behalf, but I personally have never regreted it even for a while.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.

Usual things like Misha and progress in all my languages. On Tuesday my Maths tutor, with whom each of us – me and Zofijka – has individual lessons twice a week, came to me and had a great gift for me. She saw my gem stones collection and told me her brother has collected a lot of minerals when he was younger and now he moved houses so no one cares about them. So she brought them to me. I was excited. There are three big boxes full of stones and actually I still haven’t seen all of them. Also on the same day I was very proud of myself for challenging myself and my social anxiety and talking to a guy I’ve just met, which turned out to be a very nice conversation. His name was Jacek. It was so just not like me to just chat with a guy I’ve never seen before. But I felt relatively comfortable around him. I have always a weird liking for names Jack and Jacek and almost always tend to like/get on with people with these names. Even if a villainin a book is called Jack, I’ll still be more understanding for him than for any other villain. Maybe because my Dad’s name is Jacek. I don’t know, some say I’m just a name and language fetishist. πŸ˜€ On Wednesday it was Valentine’s Day and although I am single so didn’t celebrate it much, especially that we are a Catholic family so it was Ash Wednesday for us, it was still a good day for me and I had a great time with my family. And it was Cat’s Day on Saturday. We didn’t have any presents for Misha, but we treated him like a king. I appreciated the fact that I slept relatively well all the nights last week. Wow, it seems quite long! πŸ˜€

Thanks so much for hosting to Cee over at Cee’s Photography. πŸ™‚

https://ceenphotography.com/2018/02/19/share-your-world-february-19-2018/

Question of the day.

OK so here is my question for you. I thought I will add my answers too, so even if you’re not answering a question, you can always read something more, plus I think I will enjoy it.

So my question for you guys is: What are your best and worst purchases?

As for mine, the best is surely Misha. I’ve never, just never regret I have him. Surely, there are moments when I’m just mad at him or he annoys me or vice versa, but we are happy together and I wish everyone had such a friendly and loving companion as Misha is for me.

The worst… hard to pick, I usually don’t think much about the worst things I buy, I just get rid of them and continue living, and it’s the more hard that it is not a long time since I can buy things for my own money. So yeah, I’ll pick a thing that actually my Mum bought for me and it is my Braille embosser. I really wanted to have it, thought it would help me in life, in having access to some rare books, or at least parts of them. But it turned out to be a complete failure, it took me ages to find someone who would be good at setting up Braille embossers and could do it for me, and then it turned out something is wrong with it and there was a lot of fuss about it, as far as I remember me and this person who helped me with it didn’t fully resolve the problem and it still wasn’t working exactly as it should. I couldn’t figure out many things in it. Then finally it was (somehow) set up, I was very happy, but we soon moved houses and I had to set it up again and… ugh, I just thought it’s too much effort compared to the advantages I had of it. Plus I’d have to pay that guy to help me once again, which also cost quite a bit. So although it still is in my house, it’s not usable and I don’t think I will use it anymore. It’s a pity though that such things cost so much money and then seem actually useless.

How about your purchases?

Present.

It’s often hard for me to live in the present

.I’ve always had a tendency to either worry to much about the future, or delve in the past, analysing all the awful stuff that happened to me or idealising my good memories, or when my future seemed absolutely hopeless to me, to escape into daydreams where everything looked colourful and I could entertain myself with millions of beautiful scenarios of my life and the reality around me.

I noticed it at some point a few years ago, while talking with my Mum about something good that happened to me in the past and I was all like “oh it was so good back then” and Mum finally told me something that really amazed me and gave me a lot to think about. She said she thinks I think about the past or the future so much that I don’t live the present and can’t appreciate it, and so my own life flies past beside me, without me taking actually part in it. And although it sounded harsh and brutal for me back then and I immediately said it’s not true, it stayed with me and I thought about it a lot.

Finally I realised it’s true. I realised that when those things I liked so much about the past, when all those nice moments were happening, I didn’t think much about them, didn’t think they are nice because my mind was focused on so many other things, negative and stressful things, so I didn’t really live that moment, only in my memories afterwards. I know now that there is even the word for it in the Welsh language, which can’t be translated directly to English, it is “hiraeth” and it means longing for things, or particularly places, that don’t really exist, because you idealised them in your mind. Like your motherland for example, when you’re an emigrant. Some time passed away, so it could change, and your mind deludes you that it was better than it ever was because, the grass is always greener… obviously. Hiraeth may also refer to the longing for something you don’t know, so you know you feel the longing or yearning and it’s very strong, but you don’t know what’s it all about so it’s a bit frustrating. Oh but I shouldn’t talk about the hiraeth now!

So I realised I was experiencing that what now I know as hiraeth and decided to change it. I thought it is a total and pointless waste of energy and of time to do what I did.

I started to try to see all the positive things around me and, pretty quickly actually, it wasn’t already so hard for me to notice different small things in life that could be enjoyable. I still am a pessimist, but not of that kind that don’t see any positives at all. My pessimism, as I wrote sometime before, is more of a defensive nature. And it doesn’t stop me from being positive and grateful for all the good things in life. I am very often depressed, but, unless it hits me really hard for some time, usually I’m not anhedonic, so, I still have my passions, things I like to do, and they usually help me. Also I cope better with not so distant future. Like, let’s say about three years ago, if I would have a nice weekend and could do lots of things I like, everything would be great, I wouldn’t focus on the weekend, but would likely freak out about all the stressful things that wait for me on Monday. Now I rarely experience it to an extent that really disturbs me a lot. If I have something stressing ahead, it’s still in the back of my mind, but if I’m doing something better right now, I surely won’t focus on that stressful thing. Why should I do it?

I think it is now easier to appreciate the life and all about it more, because the present is just easier for me than the past was. Just the fact that I wasn’t seriously suicidal in years now means I’m now in much better place than I was back then.

Unfortunately, I’m still worrying, sometimes almost obsessively, about the more distant future, it’s very hard to control it, especially in times like these, when I’m finishing one of the stages in my life and aren’t quite sure what to do next. I am still daydreaming, and, especially at night, different crappy memories like to remind me about their existence. I’m still trying to unlearn it. But at least I haven’t that feeling, that my life is going beside me, and I am stuck in the past or in the future and don’t take any advantage of it.

Do you also feel sometimes like you’re not living the present?