Share Your World.

It’s been centuries since I last participated in

Share Your World

at Melanie’s. I guess the last time was around… Christmas? That’s what I can remember, which is a shame because I used to participate in SYW pretty regularly and it’s fun. The questions this week are really cool so here goes, and if you’d like to participate too head over to her blog. 🙂

 

  1. Was the last thing you read digital or print? – Digital, pretty much anything I read is digital, because I am blind, and Braille books are quite pricey, clunky, and limited in terms of availability of what you can choose from.
  2. Are you more an extrovert or introvert? – Introvert all the way! Introverts rule! Yay for introverts! 😊 But actually, I read some of the fellow participants’ posts already earlier this week and quite a couple people stated that they are more extroverted on the Internet, and so am I, though it also depends on the circumstances and where on the Internet, the Internet itself doesn’t make me extroverted haha.
  3. How is your life different from what you imagined as a younger person? – Hard to say, because as a child and teen I didn’t have a stable view of what I’d like to be or could be. As a very little child I wanted to be a singer, musician and dancer, and I didn’t want to have children “Because when women don’t want to have children they don’t have to have them, and when they want, they can” (that’s what I said in a film about my nursery where they asked me whom I’d like to be and my family laugh at it on every possible occasion). Indeed, I never really wanted to have children, and still don’t want, even if I wanted it seems pretty unlikely for multiple reasons. But as I grew older I never wanted to do anything with music professionally. I wanted to be a psychologist, writer, sound engineer, translator, quack (like my grandad sort of :D) and lots of other things. But when I was a very little girl, five-year-old or a little bit older, I once had a weird kind of dream…? I don’t know if it was a dream, an imagining, just a thought, or whatever, but I was lying in bed so I think it could be a dream, it was just one small scene but very clear to me. I saw myself in it as an adult, standing in the middle of a huge kitchen, as if I was about to prepare a meal or something, and there were kids all around me, a lot of children, mostly toddlers, all clinging to me. But what I remember the best from that little scene was some weird sense of despair, or helplessness that I felt. I felt lost and confused and like I don’t know what to do in this adult world. What am I supposed to do with these children? What am I expected to do? And it was so clear and powerful that since then, whenever I heard the word “adult”, I had that weird vision coming up, and in a way I still do. I don’t have a huge kitchen, or children, I don’t even make meals for myself, and my life right now feels pretty stable, yet sometimes I do feel like that adult me from my dream, which probably reveals my immaturity or something, but I don’t claim I am a mature person, I don’t claim that I’m immature either, I guess I just don’t know. 😀 Anyway, other than that weird dream thing, I don’t think my life resembles what I thought it could be like when I was a child.
  4. Do you think about dying?   Does death scare you?  Why or why not? – As a person with mental illness, I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts so yes, I do think about dying, sometimes more often, sometimes less. I’m happy to say that nowadays, I rarely have active suicidal thoughts and ideations, but I do have passive ones a lot of the time. Also I am a Christian, so when you’re a religious/spiritual person I believe you have to think about that sometimes. My own death doesn’t scare me, although I’m a little bit anxious of what it will be like afterwards, what world we’ll end up in, if any. I’m also not scared of death as a concept, like my sis Zofijka is for example. SHe’s scared of dead people, murders and such. Of course it’s difficult and can make anyone uneasy, but I normally don’t feel scared by that without any context. What I’m really really scared of about death is those whom I love dying. Particularly my Mum and Misha. Some say my attachment to Misha is unhealthy because of that, and because of how attached I am to him even though he is a pet, but I really don’t know how I could cope with Misha’s death. If I had to, I probably would, life is like that, but I’ve never been attached to anyone in such a way as I am to Misha.

Additional Gratitude Bonus Question:  Who has been the kindest to you in your life? – The kindest? Like throughout my whole life? My Mum I think. Dunno where I’d be without her, but I’ve written about that many times before.

What did I do for my Easter weekend?

I’m a little late to the show, but I wanted to give you a bit of a life update on my Easter, as I haven’t posted any proper one in quite a while, and I saw this question on Carol Anne’s blog,

so I thought I’d answer the question and write the update in one go. 😀

So, my Easter? Nothing too unusual. We were invited for two dinners, on Sunday and Monday, to my Dad’s family. I was very nervous about that but some time before the holidays I decided that I’m not going to any of them and no one will make me go there, especially that Olek wasn’t going either. I’m so glad I didn’t go. Gatherings with my Dad’s family always feel even more boring than any others, with my Mum’s family I have at least a little bit of common ground and they are more communicative. Also, on Tuesday it was my grandad’s name day, my maternal grandad, I only have one grandad anyway, and if I had to choose I’d definitely prefer to go to him rather than to those yucky dinners, and I felt like that would be impossible for me to do to go for three days in a row socialising (especially that it turned out that there was fourth in stock for me too, but that’s another story). But other than my personal feelings, there is currently very bad atmosphere at my Dad’s family. The uncle who invited us on Sunday is freshly after divorce, and the uncle to whom we were invited on Monday has been drinking even since before Easter, he’s an alcoholic. And apparently both those dinners were quite unpleasant. Besides I’m feeling depressed lately and just not into that, even more than usual.

I don’t know if there is such a tradition in any other countries, but in Poland, on Easter Sunday, we have a resurrection mass very early in the morning. I’d never been to one prior to this year, we’d usually go for the Easter eve service at night or however it’s called, as it’s nowadays usually celebrated together with the Easter liturgy in the end. But my Mum really wanted to go, and I was curious too how it feels. Only that I got very little sleep that night. I usually get very little sleep at night or none at all if I know that I have to be somewhere early. This time, I fell asleep like a baby, quickly and early, but woke up at 1 AM and was wide awake since then. My sleep cycle is in a messed up phase since almost two weeks now though. We were meant to get up at about 4:30. So at least the only advantage to the situation was that I wasn’t groggy in the morning, while my whole family were all yawning and one brain hemisphere still far away in Dreamland, while the other having to face the brutal harshness of the real world, yes waking up at such early hours especially if you have to go out is a yucky state to be in. But it’s just a few minutes and then everything’s OK. So we went to the mass and it was really beautiful, I always like the late night services like the midnight mass on Christmas more, but in the early morning it’s also very atmospheric. We had a yum yum yummilicious Easter breakfast. I wanted to get Zofijka Flips for Easter (Flips, or Flipsy actually, are a kind of vintage, unflavoured Polish crisps that Zofijka likes, there are flavoured too, but for some reason our usually fussy Zofijka prefers unflavoured), but she expressed her wish very late and I didn’t manage to get hold of them before Easter. I also got perfumes for Mum but they haven’t arrived yet. I got some sweets from Mum and Zofijka.

A while after breakfast, Mum, me, Zofijka and Jocky went for a long walk which was very nice and helped to clear out my brain a bit and I felt a little better emotionally. The most of the rest of the day I spent just with Misha, and Olek in his room, and we all were just chilling out and stuffing ourselves with food and sweets.

Easter Monday is a weird day in Poland, because people pour water on each other. Or in practice, anything they can put their hands on. Just a tradition. So I was woken up by Mum, splashing the water from a bottle at me. At least Mum is more human-like, when Zofijka came in with her bottle, my whole duvet got soaked, not to mention myself. I’ll have to use Olek’s strategy next year. Before he went to sleep, he got himself a big bottle and placed it beside him. And whenever anyone even opened the door to his rom, he’d splash the water at them immediately. Dad and Zofijka tried to outsmart him, Zofijka opened the door quietly and Dad wanted to quickly pour him over, but Olek was quicker. And everyone was shrieking and screaming and the water was all over Olek’s walls, bed, TV, all over Zofijka and Dad. And believe me, at our house it’s really low key and decent, my Mum is actually afraid of going out on the streets on Easter Monday, because people don’t always seem to know where good-humoured fun ends, and stupidity begins, or my aunt likes to greet all her visitors on Easter Monday by soaking them from head to toes. 😀 We only have a bit of splashing around in the morning and then it’s over.

So the rest of the day was calm for me. After we came back from the church I was sitting on the terrace with Mum and we were chatting about lots of things. It was very sunny. They weren’t long at that other dinner, probably because of my uncle being, hm, poorly. I was feeling pretty blah emotionally most of the day but tried to distract myself by catching up on the correspondence with my penfriends.

So, nothing unusual, as you see. But overall, even with me feeling low, it wasn’t as bad as Easter last year was for me, with my very grumpy Daddy not being satisfied with anything. Most of all I’m glad I didn’t go to those flippin dinners.

How about your Easter? 🙂

Question of the day.

Do you ever get your nails done?

My answer:

I like having my nails done. In contrast to most other beauty related procedures, I do like the feel of nail polishing, there is something nice about it. I like the darker and more muted colours on my nails (well as on almost everything actually, no difference here). But what is the sense of doing your nails if you’re a nail biter/picker?! Absolutely none! I might be good with it for one day, desperately trying not to bite or pick my nails, not knowing what to do with my hands and all the nervous energy, but trying desperately, but the next day I usually forget about it or can’t resist it when some bigger stressor occurs or when I’m bored or something and then my nails look even worse than they did before. I can be a real intense and erratic nail biter and nail and cuticle picker so my nails look better normal than with all the polish and stuff. Still, sometimes, once in a while, I do get my nails done. Just to have to clean out all the polish the next day because it looks ewwwww gross. 😀

You? 🙂 WHich colours do you like on your nails? 🙂

[tags question of the day,qotd,q&a,about me,get to know me,readers,women,beauty,nails,nail biting,anxiety,self harm,

Iselin – “Bathtub”.

I’ve shared with you all another song of this young, Norwegian singer last autumn, it was

“The Wizard Of Us”.

But today, I’d like to share with you something newer of hers. I actually really like this song, I think it’s one of my current favourites, if I’d have something like a list of my monthly favourites I’d put it on there. This is a song that Iselin wrote intending to promote self-care. I’m in my lower than usual, depressed and self-loathing phase right now so at such times self-care is always difficult. So I thought I’d share this song as a bit of a boost, both for myself and those of you who may also struggle with it currently. And somehow it even goes in hand with my current questions of the day topic in a way. Hope you enjoy it. 🙂

Question of the day (24th April).

What do you do with your hair? Do you ever style it? Do you get it cut at a salon? How often do you wash your hair, and what type of shampoo/conditioner do you use?

My answer:

What do I do with my hair? As little as possible. 😀 I liked it when I had long, very long hair but it’s awfully impractical and uncomfortable. Now I have a short, light hairstyle, a bit of a bob I’d say…? so I just brush it in the morning and all is cool. I have very thick hair though so I need to cut it regularly. I do it at a salon. I hate it, as it’s soooooo boring, and you have to smalltalk with people, and I hate people touching me, but oh well, not much can I do. Maybe at some point I’ll become a pro hermit and then I’ll be able to stop caring about that, but as long as I live with people I have to bear such inconveniences. I rarely style my hair, if I do, my Mum styles it for me for some family gathering. Grrrrrrrr I hate it, it’s… yes you guessed it it’s boring! 😀 I used to dye my hair and liked it, I don’t like my natural colour, it’s kind of mousey (is that how you call it?). One guy I liked once told me that I’d look terrific in black hair because apparently the combo of blue eyes and black hair is so rare and intriguing etc. and I bought this idea, and dyed my hair black for a good while. I did look well in this colour, everyone said so except for my grandma and I felt good in it, but the problem was that many black dyes actually have red in them apparently. While on some people that looks cool, my Mum says I am closest to a winter in that seasons classification or whatever it is so warm colours apparently don’t go too well with me or at least some of them don’t, for me that red glimpse would destroy the effect and I disliked it. And other than that I didn’t have the patience and discipline for that dying thing, my Mum didn’t either, and when I’d be at the boarding school I’d have to dye it ideally every week because of how quickly my hair was growing, but of course I couldn’t, so by the time I was back home I had a terrible regrowth. Then I tried with very dark browns but there was often a reddish glimpse too. And finally someone else, in a bit of a sarcastic way suggested to me, that if I’m so much into everything Celtic I should dye my hair red so I would look more Celtic. I decided that I’ll take it seriously and I did have fiery red hair for a while and Mum and some other people said I looked very cool albeit original. I who am apparently a winter and hate the colour red. But when it comes to the hair colour, red is definitely fine with me, unless it’s not some weird kind of reddish that doesn’t fit me at all. But that didn’t last long either. So now I’m back to my normal mousey hair, which, surprisingly, has sort of darkened apparently over the course of that time when I was experimenting with the colours.

My hair isn’t too oily, so typically I wash it twice a week. Right now I don’t use one shampoo continuously, we have one shampoo together with Zofijka at the moment and I don’t even remember what it exactly is right now. I’d used very different conditioners throughout my life, I used to have a bad tendency for dandruff as a kid because of hypothyroidism and then I used some other stuff as a teen just to keep it healthy, but as I can remember it wasn’t really working. Now the only conditioner I use from time to time is vinegar.

You? 🙂

Question of the day (23rd April).

Hi guys. 🙂

I have some girly questions now for all my female readers out there. 🙂

Do you wear makeup? If so, how often do you wear it, and what are your favourite brands? How old were you when you started wearing makeup, and who taught you?
My answer:
I don’t wear makeup. Like, almost never ever. First, although I consider myself a girly girl, I don’t have much of an interest at all in THIS particular kind of girly stuff, it’s boring for me and all sorts of even hairdressing and such is just an annoying necessity for me. Second, I can’t do it myself. Many blind women can and are great at it, but, well, I can’t even always draw a straight line, so, could be quite adventurous. Third, I don’t go out much anyway these days, and I don’t really see the point of all that hassle for staying at home. Fourth, I have a kinda problem with self care stuff, just as I do with self-esteem as it is obviously related, I’ve improved in recent years and months but, ugh, if I sometimes don’t even feel like feeding myself or keeping myself warm on worse days, I don’t even think about makeup then! 😀 Fifth, I have allergy for a lot of that makeup stuff so actually as an effect I look even worse than without it, or my skin gets irritated/itchy. And as you can probably already see, I’m not enough into that to hunt for hypoallergic stuff. Lastly, I don’t even have such a model in my family that makeup is something that a woman should necessarily do. My Mum used to wear it, she is a very image conscious person, but only when she had to, so for outings or such, she didn’t like it. My Mum has always preferred to be natural, and she says she feels like a wax doll with tons of makeup on her face. Now it has to be a real big occasion for her to wear a full makeup, as she’s such a lifestyle expert nowadays and OMG there’s so much chemicals in cosmetics and you never know what they put in there! 😀 While I always mock my Mum’s obsession with all that, I kinda share that approach, and I just don’t feel the need to do that. All the cosmetics I use, OK, the big majority, are just natural home-made things.
I did use to wear some more make-up in my late teens, when I was in a lot of ways identifying myself as a Goth, I still do feel a lot in common with Goths though I never was like a full Goth, at some point I just met some people online who were Goths and we seemed to get along very well, I always liked black and wearing black things, and I have naturally a very light skin and always liked it this way, I liked Gothic music and felt like I had a bit of a similar mentality to them in a lot of ways. I wasn’t going around looking like a Goth, but liked a bit of a Gothic looking makeup at times and would most willingly wear black clothes all the time. As I said I still somehow feel drawn to the Gothic subculture but am not as crazy about it and sort of outgrew it quite a few years ago. I guess the last time I wore a full makeup (a serious one, I mean for serious purposes) in a Gothic style was at my 18th birthday party. Now I only sometimes underline my eyebrows as they are very light, and that’s it. The actual last time I wore makeup was about a year, maybe longer, ago, when I was playing with Zofijka. We like pretending things or playing crazy roleplays or such and that time we were playing that we were two very stupid and brainless country girls going for a party to some sort of a club. we were able to only talk about guys, and our favourite music which was very trashy dance and everything that is cringy in the world, it was all very comical so when we weren’t playing, we were laughing our brains out at ourselves, but well you’d have to see it for it to be funny. We both had very overdone, heavy makeups, with crazy amounts of rouge, and I was wearing a ragingly red lipstick and we both had weird hairstyles and high-heel shoes (Zofijka was in her school traCKSUIT…) and were chewing gum very demonstratively for an even more cringy effect. We stuffed our clothes with things so we also looked very fat, and just… brainless overall, you get it. The problem appeared when Zofijka tried to get rid of all that makeup on my face and couldn’t get rid of all that rouge, it lasted for so long that I was afraid I will have to stay like this hahaha. So those are the only purposes for which I wear makeup nowadays, entertaining Zofijka hahaha. That’s more interesting though I guess.
OKso how about you? 🙂

Question of the day.

What kind of drunk are you?

My answer:

I thought this question was fun, but before I answer it, first of all, I have a bit of a trouble with the word drunk. I guess I don’t know what it exactly means for sure, like whether it is that you’re just under an influence of alcohol strong enough that it changes your behaviour somehow, or that you’ve drunk too much for your body’s criteria and it significantly impairs your cognitive functions and consciousness. I even looked it up in a dictionary but it looks like it could be both… So, well, if it’s the latter, I’ve never been drunk. I’m too much of a control freak, emetophobic, and I don’t know what else, to do that. If it’s more like the first, it depends really, how much, with whom, where etc. I really like the comfort of being in control of myself and whatever I’m doing, so even if I’m drinking I’m not letting it go too easily. Another thing is also that alcohol tends to make me anxious. It can help me relax for a while so I used to have a drink or two as an anti-anxiety remedy but after a while I’m often more anxious than I was before that. That doesn’t help in social situations. But if I’m not anxious, or not yet anxious, I tend to be more chatty and expressive than I normally am, especially if in a favourable environment. Sometimes I get a bit hyperactive both physically and mentally. My thinking gets completely messed up in terms of the language and gets completely multilingual like I have all my language thrown into one sentence and sometimes I don’t even realise that I think in all of them. Multilinguality of thoughts is not a novelty for me anymore, especially since I’ve been blogging in English etc. but when I’m tipsy there’s a real chaos and it had happened a few times that I talked like that too before I realised it. 😀 It also happens wen I’m very tired that I think in all languages at once and if I were thinking more coherently then, it would be real fun to observe it more closely, but I rarely think about it when it happens. I laugh very easily and at everything, however although I’m a depressive person overall I do tend to laugh a lot when I’m my normal sober self as well. At the beginning after I drink, I often feel like I’m actually more witty and very bright and perceptive, but that’s of course short-lasting. As many of you may know, I have balance and coordination problems and they get worse quickly after I drink even a bit of alcohol, so even when I’m doing fairly well cognitively I might be already barely able to stand/walk straight and am really clumsy and disoriented and dizzy and hating it and regretful that I was drinking at all. On a more negative note, besides the anxiety which can be real real yuck after I’ve drunk something with alcohol, I feel messed up emotionally overall, feeling a lot of stuff at once and like I’m close to one of those emotional overloads that I sometimes have, it can trigger it from what I’ve noticed and a couple times I ended up cutting myself after drinking, I also often feel very panicky, both straight after drinking and the next day as well. I normally don’t have a tendency to have full blown panic attacks even though I’m an anxious person with lots of kinds of anxiety, but after a drink I feel very close to it. I often feel some sensor oversensitivity and like everything is so intense – stimuli, feelings, people’s reactions – which if you’re in a social situation is incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve noticed that even my synaesthesia sometimes becomes more intense and my perception related to it kind of clearer, but not quite as much as when I was using Doses (sound drugs) as a teen, that was really intense, and this is actually a very cool thing as my synaesthesia is a cool thing. Sometimes I feel a bit foggy which I always hate. And OMG sleep! I always have some sort of a problem with sleep afterwards. I often feel very sleepy at some point and sometimes I get a couple hours of nice heavy sleep, but then I wake up and can’t fall asleep at all and am very anxious. Or I have sleep paralysis.

So, as you can see, a lot of quite bad stuff. And that’s why, although theoretically I do like a drink once in a while, a few months ago I decided that I’m not going to drink alcohol, even if it tastes good, like my favourite Jack Daniels, it’s not really enjoyable with all that mess. I suppose I might have some sort of alcohol hypersensitivity or something actually which my Mum also seems to have. We both tend to have very very bad hangover even after just a little of it, we both often feel nauseous after drinking and have sleep problems.

A bit off topic, but what’s worse in my opinion than the thing with alcohol, is that recently I also figured out a sad truth that my big life-saver – coffee – doesn’t seem to help my mental health either. I love the taste of coffee, but the thing is also that I have low blood pressure most of the time so often feel like without energy especially in mornings, so coffee helps at least a bit with that. I usually drink one cup of very strong black coffee in the morning, but recently I had a break from that for a couple of days and realised after some time that I’m actually much less anxious in the mornings than I usually am at this time of day, and my mind isn’t as racing and I’m less jittery. And when I started drinking coffee again, it all came back, but I didn’t make the connection until I saw a YouTube video of a Polish mental health and wellness vlogger where she was talking about how coffee impacts how she feels especially anxiety wise, it was then that something clicked in my mind and I had a break from coffee again, then came back to it and saw it clearly that I’m more anxious after coffee. Weird that I didn’t see it earlier, but maybe I just didn’t want to, that’s very possible, I really love my coffee and even now as I know that she doesn’t like me as much as I like her, I still drink coffee once in a while, but try to do it rarely. I must admit I’m a bit disappointed with that and haven’t yet found anything as effective as coffee to help boost my energy, even though coffee was just a half-measure too, but other things I’ve tried don’t work for me at all, while real strong Coffee with a capital C does something at least.

So, what kind of drunk are you? If you have mental health difficulties, does it interfere with them in any way? 🙂