How is everyone doing? 🙂
As for me, it’s just OK, better or worse depending on an area. I told you before that my anxiety has lessened, that anxiety flare up I got after those scary dreams, and it’s true, it’s much better now, I felt like I’m going to get rid of it very soon, but it’ still is somewhere, kinda fluctuating and sometimes getting really nasty during night time. I mean it’s always somewhere in the background but doesn’t affect me that much usually on a daily basis as it does lately, and it doesn’t usually last so long with such intensity, after I got sleep paralysis and those nightmares previously I was usually able to recover pretty quickly. But at least, although slower than usual, it’s going better, so I really really hope I’m going to recover of it soon and function normally, because it is a bit concerning to me. And I still can remember the dreams I had that last time clearly, which doesn’t make it any better. Usually they’d fade away with time and I wouldn’t remember them in details, but now I do remember those I had last time. It scares the shit out of me if I’m honest. If it’s going to be this way next time I’m seriously gonna try some antidepressant, even if it doesn’t help everyone, but maybe will help me. If it’s going to be that intense in the future I’m not sure I can cope just on my own.
But other than the anxiety, I had a pretty good day today. Dad is at work (which I’m secretly very glad about, he has a very irregular work schedule and now he had a bit less than a week off work, and I think all of us, except for Zofijka, who was away on holidays, got tired of his constant nagging, complaining and arguing, and provoking others, he’s a good guy and I love him, but he can be really annoying), so Mum and Zofijka and me went to the beach today. We had fun. It’s roasting today so that’s I guess what most people here was doing today, there were quite a lot of people on the beach. We were playing in the water with Sofi, she was swimming – she is such an awesome swimmer! – we all laughed a lot. Only my Mum didn’t have as much fun as she could have because she’s still having that weird ear infection, now in both ears, which is very painful and not only her ears but also head and jaw are throbbing. So she was in pain and couldn’t go into the water, and had to be away from the wind, but at the same time not in the sun, because she’d be all roasted, which was hard to achieve, as it was rather windy by the sea today. But me and Sofi were almost constantly in the water, even though I can’t swim that well, and certainly not as well as she can, but that was still very cool. As we were going to head home, there came a family with four kids, three girls and a boy, the latter was particularly screamy and attention-seeking. He constantly shouted to his mum from the water, repeating one thing ALL the time, like every five seconds, so that it started to be annoying. Occasionally he screamed something to his sisters, so we quickly got to know that their names are pretty peculiar, or maybe not peculiar themselves, but as a sibset. Ela, Ola and Ula… Doesn’t sound cool? 😀 If Mum (or brother) is calling them from somewhere further, I’m sure they have to be confused which one they’re actually calling. Of course I found it very interesting and amusing. Then when we finally went home, they left too, and as there was a bit of a distance from the beach to the parking, we were going close enough to each other to hear what each other were saying. And this little boy was talking all the time, this time something else, while his poor mum was pretending to be deaf, in hopes he’ll feel bored soon. I started to wonder whether his name isn’t Oli, as it would match the girls perfectly, and whether too matchy names of siblings can have any influence on their behaviour. 😀 Then we finally headed to the parking and I went to my car seat. Unluckily, our cars, ours and that matchy family’s, were very close and I didn’t estimate the distance properly, and when I was opening the door, with a little bit too much dash, I accidentally hit them, I mean their car obviously. Not too much but still. I said to the mum that I’m very sorry, but I guess her nerves were way too tense already. “What do you think beep beep beep can’t you see?!!!”. “You guessed it I can’t”. “Uh… emmm… I’m sorry… I… didn’t know…” at the same time the boy ran away wanting to show something to Ula, so his poor mum could have an excuse to be occupied with something else. I don’t think she needed one, for me the topic was finished, but it was clear she was very embarrassed. So she shouted at him, and guess what… “Ooooooliiiiiiivieeeeer, come back! We’re going hoooome!”. Me and Zofijka, we were laughing like crazy. OMG he’s really an Oli! Lucky for him, it’s not his full name, as I was concerned it could be. Zofijka asked me how I guessed it… I wonder too… I certainly wouldn’t think it could be his name for sure, I was just joking! And as for the seeing or not seeing, it was embarrassing indeed, I mean the accident, until it started to be ridiculous for me, and then I actually realised it’s a compliment for me, that she asks whether I can see or not. My Mum says that when people see me, it’s clear to them that I can’t… So I was quite surprised.
I had therapy yesterday and I talked to my therapist about the concerns I had regarding therapy about which I wrote in last coffee share post, that I am not making much progress since we started or actually maybe even before, back when I’ve had only phone checkins with my previous therapist, in some areas I actually feel like I regressed a bit if I’m honest, like with the severity of my anxiety for example, I feel like I’m back at the same point at where I started years ago. Sure there were many difficult situations for me this year, but still, I feel quite concerned with it. I also told her that I wonder whether now as I am in a more stable situation and can focus directly on some healing more, whether indeed CBT is something for me. Because I have an inkling I should do more with the past stuff, since it’s clearly where all or most of my brain shit comes from, directly or not. I told her that I am not sure about it but that if she shares my feelings I’d be willing to try something new, like psychodynamic maybe, or gestalt, as I feel the latter could help me with my insecurities and stuff. I asked her if she had the same feelings and she told me she doesn’t know where I was before, but as long as we are working together, which will be 3 months later in August, she can’t say I did any big progress. She told me that for her it seems that I have lots of emotional blockades, mostly unconscious, and maybe indeed psychodynamic therapy or something similar would be worth a try with this, though she admitted she never actually thought about it before, she only thought that I may benefit from some longer lasting therapy as there seems to be a lot to do. On the other hand, she said, that my own way of looking at my achievements and failures is often somewhat disordered because of my self-esteem and such, so I may not be objective here, and I agreed, I don’t think I can be objective either, even though despite having AVPD and all that I don’t feel like I’m a perfectionist and want to achieve too much. She told me that if I have such feelings, then I should listen to my gut, first and foremost, and if I’d later realise it’s not for me, like that it doesn’t make it any better that I know the root causes of some things, or if it would feel too overwhelming, I can come back to her and she’d be happy to work with me again, because she is sure that in the right conditions I am able to heal. Overall it was a good conversation. We will be staying in touch now and I’ll let her know when I’ll find someone possibly nearby who would be willing to work with me – I hope I’m not going to go through what it was with language teachers, who were running away screaming one after another scared of the fact that I’m blind before even meeting me. I’ve actually found a psychodynamic therapist who is pretty close to where I live, I emailed her today, and I hope she;ll get back to me. What may be an issue is that I probably won’t get funding for it, as I did for therapy with the therapist I’m working with now, but well if it’s going to help me then I think it’s worth it, even if I’m going to spare all my savings for the future –
which by the way I don’t think would provide me financial security for too long if I was to live on my own.
I also talked to my Mum, and that didn’t go so smoothly. We have significant issues with communication when it comes to talking about this kinda stuff, like my mental issues and all the related shit. I think in a way she doesn’t understand it, why I’ve been reacting to things the way I’ve been (which I don’t fully understand myself either), and partly she blames herself for some things that happened to me or some things she didn’t do for me or didn’t notice. Well I don’t see any blame on her side and never blamed her, even though was angry a lot at her, but I know it well myself it’s hard to just tell someone it’s not their fault, unfortunately it’s way more complicated than that usually, even if someone is as mentally healthy as my Mum, I guess. Then on the other hand I am frustrated that she doesn’t understand me, and I blame myself that I am so squeamish, and generally my communication with people is NUTS, and so it goes around, despite best intentions of us both. Sucks.
So I’ d rather spare you the details of our lovely conversation, no, it wasn’t furious or anything, just frustrating and quite icky. But overall she agreed that I need to do something with myself and be functional again (as if I ever was!!!) and if I feel like this therapy isn’t working that much, I should try something different.
Yeeah poor my Mum, I feel so sorry for her, although I probably should feel sorry for myself. 😀
I haven’t seen Misha AT ALL today. I mean, OK, I did see him, when he was eating, and then I saw him close to my room, as if he hesitated whether to come in, seems like he decided not to, but he always hesitates for ages before doing something. And that was all. I haven’t snugled him or talked to him or anything, and I quite miss him, but I looked for him around the house and couldn’t find him and no one knows where he is. I’m not worried, he surely sleeps somewhere possibly cool, but it’s a bit sad here without my little mishievous kid.
Oh, and particularly for those who haven’t checked my yesterday song of the day post and don’t know, yesterday I had a big holiday. It was my previous music crush’s Cornelis Vreeswijk’s 81st birthday, or it would be if he lived, anyway, when there are my crushes’ days, something relating to them particularly, I either get a major crush peak and am over the moon for quite a while, or if it’s one of the previous crushes then it is sorta more present in my life, like more activated for a while again. So yesterday I was translating Vreeswijk’s poems again, to celebrate the holiday somehow, completely absorbed by my vreeswijkosis and mumbling to myself in Swedish for an entire day. And yaaaaayyyyy!!! I managed, with a lot of hardship, but at least as much of enjoyment, to finish my translation of “Den Blåa Drömmen” (The Blue Dream). It helped me a lot with the anxiety to immerse in something so fully, which rarely happes to me, and yeah it felt so so brilliant. It looks so well. I am curious what my friend Jacek – the one who died because of osteosarcoma and who was writing the book about vikings – would say about that. He was always so agitated seeing my translations, he wanted to see even tiny little bits of them, even the worse ones, because he was always so curious. I am so proud of my translation, wonder how long it will last until I will start to see any errors in it haha. I mean, I started it years and years ago, but was stuck and not able to finish, and there were glaring errors, so glaring that if Cornelis knew Polish and was still alive, and read my scribbles, it’d surely kill him. Now I just polished it and after reading and rereading and rereading more the original version, thinking and thinking and making my brain boil, I finally came up with a decent, rhythmically compatible end for the verse I’ve started, and then wrote the last. I just thought I’d sit at it until I’ll come up with something, after all it’s not that difficult, it can’t be, it’s just a little folkloristic piece, almost a childish one, very sweet and almost naive and pretty short as well, certainly not one of the greatest by Vreeswijk, if I can’t manage with something like this, than how can I do anything more ambitious? Yes, with my languages, I am a perfectionist. And that is the only area. I showed it to my Mum and Zofijka came in as I read it and she was like: “Wow, did you write it?” haahahahahahahahahaha it was brilliant. 😀 Me, lol. Couldn’t stop laughing for quite a while.
OK, so I guess I’ll be finishing, as it’s definitely no longer little I guess, even as for my writing standards.
Sleep well, or have a great day, and I hope you’re OK. 🙂 Misha just came in so I’m also sending Mishpurrs and Mishcuddles.
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