If we were having coffee… wow! that’s such a cool prospect. I’d love to have a coffee with you, my lovely readers. So make yourself comfortable, grab a cuppa, or a mug, of coffee, or whatever you like to drink, and maybe even something to eat. I am having a glass of Jack Daniels with Pepsi and ice which I am sipping for about an hour now and chilli crisps. My family is out, so I thought I’d make use of it and invite you all, he he, they won’t be in until at least midnight…
If we were having coffee here in this timezone, I guess we would arrange it at a different time, I don’t think it’s popular anywhere to drink coffee at 09:08 PM. 😀 Although drinking coffee doesn’t affect me much in terms of energy, I know it does affect many people, so if you’d rather like some tea, or orange juice, or Pepsi, or whisky, or maybe even kefir, feel free and I’ll pour you. We also have a lot of yummy things to eat, my Mum was grocery shopping in the morning. She left me quite a lot of food, she’s always so worried about me when she goes anywhere for a longer time. She made me a lot of sandwiches, a salad, a mug of raspberry tea, and left me these crisps I mentioned as well as lemon ice tea and hazelnuts in chocolate and I guess she assumes I will eat it all. 😀 It’s rather impossible, so you have to help me.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m very anxious lately. I mean, I am living with anxiety on a daily basis, so it’s like not a big news for anyone who knows me well, but it’s going worse lately. Today is pretty good in comparison to, say recent three weeks, but overall it’s very crappy and it affects me in many ways. My final exams are coming very soon. The first one I’ll have on 4th May. And now I am going through term session, which isn’t as much stressful as the finals, but still. I’ll have Maths exam on Wednesday. I’ll be also passing maths on the finals, which scares the shit out of me the most, because that’s the thing I am completely clueless about, despite my tutor coming to me usually twice a week and draining my brain. Actually, I even wanted to get a certifficate that I am dyscalculic, but although the woman who evaluated me for it said I theoretically match some of the criteria, for some reason blind people can’t be diagnosed with dyscalculia. That’s so weird and I completely don’t understand why. Actually I think it should be otherwise, because I think many blind people may have much more complex issues with such subjects like math or physics, because lots of things are hard to get when you can’t see. I must admit I am trying to accept that it’s pretty likely that I won’t pass this exam. I just feel so clueless about it that I feel like I’d have to experience some massive enlightenment to pass it, and you need “just” 30% correct to pass it. I don’t know whether it is my anxiety and defensive pessimism talking or whether it’s my intuition, but I really feel that as much as I may succeed with other subjects, I will completely fail with this one. My tutor seems also a bit skeptical, well she’d never tell me this, but she seems like… a bit hopeless. 😀 It won’t be a big deal in the grand scheme of things if I won’t pass it though, apart from my pride being a bit smashed and probably the exam being hard to get through and extremely anxiety provoking. I am not a perfectionist about school and I know that even if I’d pass it with 90% I’d still be as clueless as for what to do with my life as I am now, so it won’t change much. I probably wouldn’t be studying further either way, unless online, as my anxiety and mobility/orientation won’t let me. On the other hand though, if I want to develop, I might do it as well without having these exams passed, I still can learn without graduating anything, I can still learn new languages, read books and maybe even go through some courses. I can still work with my languages. My Swedish teacher put it very well. I always thought that if I’d want to work with my languages, translate Vreeswijk’s (my crush and favourite Swedish artist) poems to Polish, I’d need to be a major in linguistics and Swedish and translation and who knows what else, maybe even in Polish, and if I’d like to work in whichever way with my languages, I’d need some certifficates and other crap. And he told me something I never thought about before. If I know a language, how can someone tell me that I don’t know it? How much more will a piece of paper say about my language abilities than I could say myself? And that’s so simple and so true. He was generally so simple and true while still being wise, well I suppose he still is, but he just doesn’t teach me anymore. He said he gives up after he saw my translations of Vreeswijk’s “Vaggvisa” (Lullaby). 😀 He claimed I’d better start to teach others than still learn myself and acted like I did something very unusual. 😀 But I wouldn’t like to be a teacher. Going back to the exams, since I just feel it deep down I won’t do it well, I even wanted to give up and not take them at all, but I thought tat if I went this far in this school I am now, I should do it because it would be pointless to stop it now. And I would maybe regret it later. ‘Cause who knows, maybe it will go well. But I decided that if it won’t, I won’t redo the Math exam, evenif my family would want it, or my tutor or the committee would persuade me.
The following paragraph talks about stuff regarding religion, spirituality, Christianity, Catholicism, evil spirit and spiritual dangers from the Christian point of view. I suppose it may be triggering for some, hence I’m forewarning.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you my gramma travelled for a sort of pilgrimage to some Christian community and is praying for me today with these people. My gramma is a really religious person, but not in the way so many elderly ladies are – kind of devotee – she was always very soulful and devout and has even graduated in theology or something like this, it interests her deeply. I’ve been having sleep paralysis almost my entire life and recently it got worse, probably because of worsened anxiety and my sleep routine being rubbish, and I was talking to my Mum a lot about it. I wouldn’t think she’d be so much concerned about it, but she was very concerned and talked with gramma about it. I weren’t glad of it to be honest, I don’t like when my issues are discussed like this, but I know their intentions were and are good. And my gramma got concerned too. You know, it’s hard to describe for me what I experience during sleep paralysis, it’s just scary and that’s pretty much all I can say, but for people who have never experienced it must have think it’s even more scary, I guess, ’cause it sounds scary overall, so I guess that’s why they were so concerned. But my gramma thought it can be something more spiritual than physical. It’s because, before I really became Christian and stopped pretending I am atheist or agnostic or Wiccan or whatever else I was doing some things considered as spiritually dangerous, or immoral, , by Christian religion. I was a teenager then and wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing, I was just hurting and wanted some escape, was feeling very rebellious. I was at the boarding school lead by nuns and although my own family was very religious and practicing, all the things related to religion, I associated with the school, and in my school it all was pretty artificial. And I didn’t want to be like them. I desperately wanted to be different, even though I already was. I experienced LD (lucid dreams), OOBE (out of body experiences), used Doses (those sounds that interfer with our brain waves and work like drugs and are said to be non addictive, but mess up with our brain), I was listening to very overwhelming, kinda dark music, which made me even more depressed. I mean, I still often listen to some Gothic music if it isn’t against my views, but that was just so heavy and depressing, some of it even satanic, but I got to know about it later on and had no idea what it really is. And I had friends who did other, more serious things. It was a short period of time and then it luckily happened that some people and things helped me to find the Road I should follow again and I am so grateful for all that to happen. Then I got out of that school and was able to close that dark chapter in my life completely. I did all I could to not let that evil I once let in my life to come back again. Also, when I was like a baby, my Mum was very desperate and, like most parents of disabled children at the beginning, couldn’t accept the fact that I can’t see. And so she was looking for some hope everywhere. From doctors, to quakes, to alternative medicine specialists, to other healers like bioenergotherapists. Bioenergotherapy is something completely against Christian views and beliefs, but – as so many people – she wasn’t aware back then how much damage it could possibly make to me, her, and our family, in the spiritual sense. And my gramma, who then read some things about sleep paralysis – that you can have kind of dark and overwhelming dreams etc. etc. etc. she started to think they are consequences of all those things and are something of more spiritual nature. Although I was feeling the consequences of all these things I did as a teenager for some time afterwards, I really don’t think sleep paralysis could be one of them. I was working really hard to close all that shit and leave behind, my Mum also changed pretty much with time, we both decided to have general confession of our whole lives, seeked for help in this field, even decided to attend some exorcisms just in case, you know, no one conscious would like to carry this shit all the time if you can get rid of it. And since a few years, I must tell you I feel like I am spiritually healed and free. So, although I don’t want to exclude my Gramma’s theory completely, ’cause, you know, everything is possible in this world and she is surely wiser and more experienced than I am, I must say I highly doubt it to be true. But, anyway, I appreciate her being so caring and praying for me with all these people she’s with. If this is the reason of this crap haunting me as long as I can remember, I’ll be eternally grateful.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I had a History exam on Monday and passed it. It was one of my term exams. I didn’t have doubts as for whether I’ll pass it or not, our school exams are stressful, but ridiculously easy to pass. I am really more and more convinced that my History teacher is more sociophobic than I am. He actually annoys me so much. He acts like he’s deadly afraid of me. Like my optic nerve hypoplasia was contagious or something. It’s really annoying and making contact so much more difficult. When he talks to me, he seems so so frightened, like he’d expect me to do something horrible, like snap at him suddenly or something. Now I am learning at home and coming to school only for exams, but two years ago, as I started at this school, I made an attempt to go to school as normal people. I had a classmate who was very helpful for me and was kinda my assistant and guide and the only one person in my class who didn’t act like I’m not there. And he also noticed how freaked out this guy is interacting with me. And he (my classmate) had a lot of laugh about it and one day he proposed me to make use of it. As he said, not many students have this privilege that a teacher is so scared of them, it gave me a certain power over him in his opinion. And he told me I should do something unpredictable on his lesson. Like start to scream and laugh like crazy out of the blue for no reason. 😀 I was a bit hesitant, but decided to give it a go! Yeah. And my classmate was thrilled. He said he was sure the teacher won’t get over it and he wanted to bet that he’ll pee in front of the class or do anything else like that. That seemed a bit scary and unlikely for me, so OK, I agreed to make a bet. We decided the one who will win will get the other a pizza. So we picked a date and were thrilled and couldn’t wait, I was also a bit anxious because I’ve never did such dramas before, at least not in public. 😀 But as that day was approaching, I was more and more worried. What if he’d really pee in front of the class? That would be real scary, wouldn’t it? So finally I told my friend I won’t do it of ity for him, he’s scared enough without it and it would be soo bitchy of me to do it. He was quite disappointed. Lol people doing such things to their teacher at a school for adults. 😀 My classmate was about 40. 😀 But still I wonder sometimes, what if I’d do it. 😀 Maybe he’d stop treating me like the air. Not that I care about what he thinks about me, but it would really help with communication and my learning if he treated me like a human being and not like I’m completely invisible. So I came in for the exam and immediately felt less anxious, because I sensed how stressed and stiff he is. You know he asked me when WW II started? I was kinda confused, like, wow, I was learning so much and you are asking me such a foolish question. 😀 It wasn’t the only one and I had some harder ones too, but anyway, it surprised me, did he really think I could not know such more than basic stuff? 😀 I got 5 from this exam. I guess 5 is something between A and B for English-speaking countries. If A is a mark you get for some excellent achievements, then 5 is B, it is very good, but not more than you should know. SO glad that another exam is over.
What would you tell me if we were having coffee? 🙂
Hope you had some nice time here and you liked your coffee and that I didn’t bore you too much.